Today was a hard day. It started before I even woke up.
My nightmare last night was sitting amongst a pile of things I was trying to organize and tidy up. But the more I organized, the bigger the mess got. And no matter what I tried, it kept getting bigger and more disorganized.
When I got to school this morning, things seemed much better. And then my student had a panic attack. I tried to help, but I reacted instead of thinking, and it made things worse.
Later, I took him to the nurse and went to eat. Normally, when I feel bad, I need comfort food. But today is the day they changed my pasta bolonaise to pasta cabonara.
Then I forgot I had taken my student to the nurse, and I thought I lost him a second time.
It was then it started. My heart began beating irregularly. My mind was everywhere, and I had to be on duty to watch the kids at recess.
I thought I could handle it. I put on my music I trimmed, I paced, but I couldn’t.
I collapsed into a crying twitching mess.
My good friends rescued me and let me go to my rocking chair.
I haven’t had an Autistic meltdown this bad in 10 years. But that is a story for another day..
I have been busy distracting myself. Today’s panic attack made me realize this.
This year of work, has been a hard year for the whole school. For months, it felt like a doom cloud was cast over everyone. Morale tanked, in the staff and many students, solutions that were implemented to mitigate this made things worse for a while, and it wasn’t until about a month ago that I, personally started to feel a bit of positivity.
I have been having a hard time focusing on what should be focused on lately. I have a few days left to get report cards finished, and I have not been able to focus on those. I find myself trying to steady my mind everyday and get work done, but some days I just stare at the computer screen with my headphones on for hours. I haven’t even been able to focus much on D&D, which is my usual distraction.
During class time I try to focus on helping the children and explaining things, but as soon as their individual work begins, every sound or action grabs my attention, and tears me away from what I need to be doing.
Last week I had my formal observations, which I felt was terrible. I was trying to help the kids, and focus on the students I was conferring with, but the rest of the class must have picked up on my lack of focus, because as soon as the principal was there, they couldn’t focus. I had students dancing, making airplanes, playing with the class calendar, every action except what they were supposed to be doing, working on their fairy tale story that they are authoring.
Today during lunch, I had a full on panic attack. I was watching the cafeteria, as was my duty, but suddenly my heart began racing a mile a minute, my legs grew weak, and I had to sit down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to close my eyes and focus on breathing for a good 5 minutes.
…and then an hour after lunch, I had my meeting with the principal about my observed class. He was reassuring that I was doing everything I was supposed to do, and to not let it bother me, but I still just felt terrible.
When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.
Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.
Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.
Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?
I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.
Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.
I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.
This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.
I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.
I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….
Baldwins Abroad 
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