I have been stuck in my own mind lately. Too many things need to get back up and running, and I am falling behind because I get stuck.
In my Novel Gateways (Coming out Soon~ish). I had to write a chapter about my main character being stuck in her own mind during a shutdown. I am not happy with the way it turned out so far and I will be rewriting it soon. But it’s not an easy sensation to explain or show.
The stereotype, or trope is to have them floating in blackness and hear the voices of the outside world, maybe have them enter memories and interact with them. But that is not what it really feels like.
During a shutdown, my mind goes blank. I don’t see blackness, at least not anymore. I used to black out completely, but then my body would go into flight or flight mode. But I don’t do that anymore. I just shut down.
As an adult, my mind goes blank, mostly. I don’t see black, I don’t see anything really. I am aware of light, and can feel that things are happening around, but I am not truly aware of what. Sound exists, but not focus. There is no sense of me. I don’t see memories, or feel floaty. I don’t feel anything really. But just like my youth, my body may react while my mind is absent.
I may run, be violent, or just sit there, all depending on what is happening. I have not been violent in many years, and if I am, it iis always defensive, not aggressive. I think the last time I was violent, I was living in Korea. I apparently was hit in the face by someone during shutdown, and responded by knocking him flat. I have no memories of this, but a friend told me what they saw. I don’t even remember what shut me down that time.
The last time I ran away during a shut down, was in college I believe. I was stuck in my mind, and apparently there was a loud noise or someone yelling, and I ran smack into the closed fire exit. I woke on the floor next to the door.
Usually I just sit and stare at something. If it happens to be a person, or if a person sits where I am staring, it can cause some confusion, or even accusations. Nothing like rebooting and coming back into focus with someone screaming at you because you have been staring at them for the last 10 minutes.If they had moved, they would have realized it wasn’t them I was staring at, but anything in that direction….
During a shutdown I can sometimes direct my gaze in a direction. But sometimes I can’t as it comes on unexpectedly, or too fast.
This is not easy stuff to explain in a novel. But I will endeavor to do so.
As for me, I hav not completly shut down yet, but I have been close to it for a few weeks. I just need some time to over sleep, and do nothing to realign my brain to my new reality.
I am reminded of my old E-mail Signature from When Hotmail was independant of Microsoft. It went something like:
REALITY.SYS HAS FAILED-(R)EBOOT REALITY OR (E)XIT
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