Growing up I always felt I had this monster inside me. I didn’t know what it was, or why it was there, but I knew it was there. This monster would show up and hurt people if I wasn’t very careful. I would never remember doing the things I was accused of doing, but I knew deep down I was responsible even if I didn’t know what I was responsible for.

My mother never let me forget on incident that happened as a very young child. That’s a funny way to state it because I don’t remember it, but I was told by my family enough times that I know it must have happened. Anyways, I was about 3 or 4 years old, and apparently I was playing with my younger brother, and I exploded at him and tried to strangle him.

I was three and this was the first time the monster appeared. He popped up a few times in elementary school as well, where I would black out, often during times of extreme stress or discomfort. This was usually prompted by someone bullying me, or me being overloaded, and then 1 last thing snapped.

I was called into the office of my elementary school for hitting someone with my lunch box, for throwing a rock onto the roof of the school, and pushing myself through a crowd of kids teasing me. Each time I either hurt someone, or nearly hurt someone.

In high school, I head-butted a larger kid who refused to let me out of the class. I don’t think I broke his nose, but I gave him a bloody nose. For each of these things I was hauled to the school office. I would break down crying (even in high school) and be unconsolable for about 20 minutes, sometimes longer.

The last time it reared its head I was in college. I was the International Student Events coordinator. I had arranged for the new arrivals to go to the local bar with some of the local college kids. I was dancing with this girl from Hong Kong, when another patron came up and hit me because he wanted to dance with her (I guess). Anyways I blacked out, and when I recoved, he was on the floor and I was being escorted out of the bar by the bouncers.

Nobody explained to me what was going on, or why I was having these blackouts. So, as one does, I had my own solution. I had a monster, like a demon, or the hulk inside of me, and I needed to keep it in check. I wasn’t always successful. I often refused to be part of groups or playtime at schools. My recesses were used to walk quickly around the perimeter of the school. Sometimes the school fence, sometimes the building. But I felt if I walk around it, I could be far enough from others that I would not hurt them.

You see, I was diagnosed young, but my father’s insurance didn’t cover mental health. I don’t think any work insurance did in the early 80s. So I didn’t get any counselling, or help as a child. I had to keep everyone safe from me, that was my primary job , and it occupied my mind almost every day. I was always trying to find ways to keep others safe, and as you can imagine, it made me very popular. (In reality, the opposite happened.)

Even as an adult, I have been self teaching, after rediscovering my diagnosis. I still worry about the monster inside me. I do not have blackouts anymore. But I still worry that I may lose my temper, and hurt someone constantly. I still need down time to make sure the monster doesn’t rear his ugly head. I still focus a lot of energy to stay calm, and it still doesn’t always work.

I worry about overload and over stimulation, and just having too much on my plate. I know now what was happening, but have gotten so used to “dealing with it” on my own, that asking for help seems more terrifying than it should.

I worry about this not just for myself, but because I see myself in some of the students I have been working with recently. I have not seen the blind rage but I have seen some very difficult situations. Luckily they have someone helping them learn coping strategies. Strategies that would have helped me when I was younger.