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Grey-haired man black shirt metal arm brace glowing

Arm Oddyssey

It is nice to be typing again, but I can’t do too much of it with both hands still. I may have to switch back to one armed typing halfway through this.

End of April, I of my own stupidity broke my elbow.

I was at the The ShenZhen Book Mall. There was a stage set up to promote the reading month and AI Reading research facility the city is setting up and my daughter was asked to be one of the foreign students to participate in Chinese poetry.

I went down to give her some water, but when I went back my adventure began.

You see in front of this spot was permanent Stairs / sitting area for people to relax and read books. the steps are twice the height of normal stairs, so that people can use them as seats. They stretch across a large area and are capped with escalators on each side.

I took the escalator up, but got off too early for my seat. so I walked across the bleachers closer to my wife, and then tried to scurry up the seat/stairs to her, I took my first step up, with a hop, and misjudged the height. I fell crashing down on the step, with my full body weight landing on my wrist and elbow.

I felt nauseous, which to be honest should have been my first clue that there was a problem. then I couldn’t move my arm, which should have been my second clue. But I was certain that I had just injured the muscles in my arm, and could recover. So I went and found an iced drink, and put the cup on my arm where it hurt the worst and sat down to support my daughter.

Her practice took longer than it should have, but it was worth it. On the way home, My wife went on her phone and ordered an arm sling to be delivered to our house, it was there when we arrived, and I put my arm in the sling for the night. it was a simple sling.

The next day I went to work with my arm in a sling, and joked about hurting my arm muscles. when I got home, my wife had an upgraded sling with metal braces on the side, because she noted that I couldn’t sleep the previous night.

So For about a week I went to work with this metal reinforced arm sling, and by the end of the week I still could not move my arm or hand, and my hand had begun to swell. I took my wedding ring off for the first time since we got married as I was worried about it cutting into my finger.

At the end of the 2nd week, we set up an appointment to see a doctor. I have never been comfortable with doctors in general. Hospitals and doctors give me anxiety. Not the individuals, the idea of them. So I really did not want to go, but nothing was getting better. We went to a clinic that everyone in the school uses. (So they have a good relationship with us, and deal with our insurance well)

The doctore looked over the arm, took X-Rays and CT-scans. Both of these were extremely painful because I had to position the arm in specific ways. (The CT I had to lay down with my arm over my head and go into that infernal machine. (My medical anxiety with my sound sensitivity made it hell on top of the pain)

When the pictures came out, the doctor winced. He recommended surgery, but the clinic could not do it, so they wanted me to find a hospital to do it.

I don’t know anything about English speakign hospitals let alone ones that work with our Insurance. I asked around, and decided on the Hong-Kong University Hospital of ShenZhen. But there website and Wechat didn’t sem to allow me to make an appointment.

After a week we went back to the clinic, to get the arm checked again. the doctor was shocked we hadn’t arranged surgery yet.

The front desk recommended we just call the Insurance company. (Yes, Call, no email, no messaging. I had to hold the phone to my ear and call them.) they helped set up the preliminary exam at the hospital for me.

But here was the kicker. They wanted me to be brought in immediately for the surgery (as it was now nearly 3 weeks since the accident), I would have to be in the hospital for a week, but I couldn’t do that yet. My Son’s visa was expiring and we would need to go to Hong Kong for the weekend to extend it. So we put it off until the following week, On Monday I arrived, and was admitted.

then I sat in the hospital from Monday to Thursday. They took 1 extra x-ray during that time. My surgery wasn’t until Thursday…

So I sat and read for a week. My family would come and visit. My wife and my son would take turns staying with me overnight, as the hospital didn’t supply food and I would need someone to go out to get food.

On Thursday I had the surgery. They inserted a metal plate into my arm along my forearm, and then screwed some fragments back into place on the inside of my elbow joint. They repaired a damaged tendon (One for my wrist), and some of the muscle in the arm. On Saturday I told the doctor I would need to leave to go back to work the following week. They originally wanted me to stay for another week, but consented as I would not need tests, just observation. So on Monday afternoon I went home, but had to return after work for a special brace they were 3D printing for me on Wednesday.

The brace is like a sling, but without the neck strap. I can control the amount of movement with some buttons on the side of my elbow. So I can get some movement and slowly stretch the arm’s muscles.

I have been back to my clinic a few times for bandage changing, but then they gave me a few and taught my wife how to do it.

I have to wear the brace for about 6 months. It is not recommended that I fly for a while. (I will set off metal detectors at the airport now anyways.)

I have been wearing the brace for about a week now when at work, and I take off all devices while at home, to try and stretch, and relax my muscles. I often just sit in my rocking chair with my arm on a velvety Christmas pillow.

I can type, but not at full speed, but cannot lift more than a cup of water in weight. I also cannot extend my arm fully yet, reaching about 100 degrees and 65 degrees when closing my arm. I cannot even scratch my nose with that arm yet.

But in my brace I can point, and do funny dances again in class. (Limited movement, but still movement)

I will keep you updated as we go!

Long Time…

It has been nearly 2 months since I was able to write anything. I have gone back and read my work, and edited it, don’t get me wrong about that. But I have not been able to focus well enough to create in a while. I miss it.

Part of my difficulty has been low level depression. When I am overwhelmed, and near shut down for long enough, depression kicks in. I have had to deal with this before. I am not alone in the autistic community facing it.

I get rest each day. That resets me to just above shut down. Then I work my way through the day. Sometimes when I get home, I cannot function. I need rest, but my over-whelming sense of responsibility keep me from doing so.

My family needs me to work for our survival. The kids I care for at work need me.

I need rest.

Today as I was walking with my family, my mind began wandering. I remembered a situation from about a decade ago. I had a co-worker who was a friend of my wife’s. Her child was in my class. In general he was a good kid.

My family had gone to a swimming pool and My wife’s friend and her son had been invited along. I think there were other friends invited too, I’m not sure.

A long time ago I mentioned my sensitivity with my face. But to reiterate: I cannot stand water splashing on my face or wind blowing on my face. Wind is not as bad as water, but both cause a panic attack on me. I can’t even face my shower. I have to wash my face with a wet cloth.

Anyways, while swimming, the boy began playfully splashing at me. I asked him to stop. That seemed to encourage him, and he splashed me more. I gave him a big splash and dove under the water to swim away. As soon as I came up, he splashed me in my face again. I asked him to stop again and tried to get away, when he splashed my face again, and I called out (unfortunately loud enough for the entire swimming pool to hear) “I SAID STOP!”

His mom came and took him, and the following year they moved him out of our school. I hope that this had nothing to do with me calling him out like that. But I was at my wits end. An 8 year old boy had nearly incited a meltdown from a 40 year old man.

I sometimes wonder why people do that. When asked to stop something, they push harder. I understand he was a child, but I find adults do similar things. Sometimes, it’s easier to avoid people. Trying to talk to them can be exhausting. Often times, I don’t even have the energy for the initial request to stop. It’s just easier to hide.

Years ago, the school I was at brought a psychiatrist to the school to talk about Mental health. I admitted publicly that I was tired. I was responsible for so many things. These included finances, the well-being of my wife and children, and caring for my in-laws at the time. I didn’t want to insinuate that I wanted help. I just wanted someone to know that it was exhausting. The psychiatrist took it to mean that I wished that the others would go out and earn a living. I did not want that. I knew the situations made it impossible. I understood why it had to be me at the time. So, I felt again misunderstood and looked over.

I have been feeling like in my exhaustion, I am making a lot of stupid mistakes lately. Like above, I am not able to communicate my concerns and feelings well and others are misunderstanding them. This makes me feel worse and deepens the depression.

Sorry. I am not making a clear focused article today. I just need to rest and clear my mind.

Hopefully I will be able to think straight again before another 2 months pass.

Lost in my own Mind

I have been stuck in my own mind lately. Too many things need to get back up and running, and I am falling behind because I get stuck.

In my Novel Gateways (Coming out Soon~ish). I had to write a chapter about my main character being stuck in her own mind during a shutdown. I am not happy with the way it turned out so far and I will be rewriting it soon. But it’s not an easy sensation to explain or show.

The stereotype, or trope is to have them floating in blackness and hear the voices of the outside world, maybe have them enter memories and interact with them. But that is not what it really feels like.

During a shutdown, my mind goes blank. I don’t see blackness, at least not anymore. I used to black out completely, but then my body would go into flight or flight mode. But I don’t do that anymore. I just shut down.

As an adult, my mind goes blank, mostly. I don’t see black, I don’t see anything really. I am aware of light, and can feel that things are happening around, but I am not truly aware of what. Sound exists, but not focus. There is no sense of me. I don’t see memories, or feel floaty. I don’t feel anything really. But just like my youth, my body may react while my mind is absent.

I may run, be violent, or just sit there, all depending on what is happening. I have not been violent in many years, and if I am, it iis always defensive, not aggressive. I think the last time I was violent, I was living in Korea. I apparently was hit in the face by someone during shutdown, and responded by knocking him flat. I have no memories of this, but a friend told me what they saw. I don’t even remember what shut me down that time.

The last time I ran away during a shut down, was in college I believe. I was stuck in my mind, and apparently there was a loud noise or someone yelling, and I ran smack into the closed fire exit. I woke on the floor next to the door.

Usually I just sit and stare at something. If it happens to be a person, or if a person sits where I am staring, it can cause some confusion, or even accusations. Nothing like rebooting and coming back into focus with someone screaming at you because you have been staring at them for the last 10 minutes.If they had moved, they would have realized it wasn’t them I was staring at, but anything in that direction….

During a shutdown I can sometimes direct my gaze in a direction. But sometimes I can’t as it comes on unexpectedly, or too fast.

This is not easy stuff to explain in a novel. But I will endeavor to do so.

As for me, I hav not completly shut down yet, but I have been close to it for a few weeks. I just need some time to over sleep, and do nothing to realign my brain to my new reality.

I am reminded of my old E-mail Signature from When Hotmail was independant of Microsoft. It went something like:

REALITY.SYS HAS FAILED-(R)EBOOT REALITY OR (E)XIT