Family

In 19 years, nobody said a word.

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19 years ago, I got married. At the time I was working in South Korea. When I got married, Korea told me that my marriage certificate would not be acceptable for 6 months. Basically I would have to leave my new wife in the Philippines for half a year. I was not ok with that. China, at that time said it was ok. We could come together and work here.

I must have told people that story 100 times over the last 19 years. We applied for our visas in the Chinese embassy in Manila, Philippines. We got the visas. and we came over. 19 years ago, The embassy gave me and my wife visiting visas. The company I was going to work at fixed our visas in country. I now had a work Visa. For 19 years, I thought My wife had a spousal visa. She did not. She had a “Personal Business Visa.”

19 years.

When we moved to Beijing, 18 years ago, nobody batted an eye. They transferred our visas to Beijing and said nothing. Nobody thought it strange that my wife didn’t have a spousal visa. We invited her family to visit using what we thought was her dependence visa as proof of relation. Nobody wanted to do the paperwork to fix that. and worst of all, nobody said anything. Her “Personal Business Visa,” somehow connected her to me closely enough that we could invite her family under my visa? Not once, but 3 or 4 times. No questions asked.

I moved through 3 companies in Beijing, nobody said anything. The HR departments all just looked at it and shrugged, then extended the visa. Why would they question it, if she had been using it for so long.

We moved to Shen Zhen recently. They cannot transfer my visa down like I did when I moved from Haerbin to Beijing 18 years ago. Maybe the policy changed, maybe one or more of my old companies bent the law. I don’t know. So my new company is filing for completely new visas. Work, and spousal.

Great.

But now we need paperwork from the Philippines that we didn’t before to prove our marriage certificate is real.

Ok.

Great.

But nobody seems to know what is needed. We were told to get it translated and notarized. We did that. We got it translated, and then took it to the notary. They re-translated it and stamped that the translation was accurate. Not a Notarization.

Then we were told to get it authenticated at the Philippine Embassy or Consulate. So we headed to GuangZhou, the capital city of this province. We walked into the Philippine Consulate. Nope. They don’t do that.

Now we are told that it has to be apostilled. Which can be done right next to the government building in Manila. Only there.

We have been running around for 2 weeks getting paperwork that didn’t work, wasting money. The Notary was the first person in 19 years to mention that my wife’s visa was not a spousal visa. Itw was not a dependent visa. This shocked me.

For the record, up until 2 years ago, the translation and notary was what was needed. But 2 years ago China joined the Hague Convention. An international agreement that says only apostilles are needed from governments and no longer translations, authentications and notarization.

Good to know for the future, but apparently most people here didn’t know that. Including the Philippine government website… Their Consulate knew it, but the Consular website did not.

What does this all mean. There is a very good chance, my wife will have to leave the country next week. Just before I start work. She will have to wait until my paperwork is processed on August 5th, then start her processing from the Philippines. Most likely, she will be able to return mid to late September, if she has to go. We are exploring all options right now.

I am not blaming. The last 3 schools probably just assumed I knew. But, damn it sucks. Nobody in 19 years happened to mention, “Hey your kids are dependents, but your wife isn’t.”

Hong Kong

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Earlier this week, my family and I took the fabled train to Hong Kong. It was one of the things everyone tells your about ShenZhen. It’s so easy to go to Hong Kong. It is made to sound like a weekend trip. We took 2 nights and 3 days.

To begin with, yes, the train to Hong Kong is very short. I have been on subway rides longer. It is a 15 minute train ride from downtown Shen Zhen. We sat in a nice, comfortable train, but there is no time to relax. By time you get comfortable in your chair, you have arrived.

Immigration takes about an hour, just like in an airport. Possibly longer than an hour. I know Hong Kong belongs to China, but you still have to go through Customs and Immigration.

There are lots of arguments about Hong Kong and China. From my observations, it is not treated as a part of China, but is treated as a colony of China. You have to go through Immigration between the two, even if you are Chinese. Hong Kong has it’s own Money. Chinese Drivers drive like Americans, on the right, Hong Kongers (Hong Kongnese?) drive on the left. The have different flags. You get the idea. Hong Kong is a country, but it belongs to the Chinese Government.

It’s similar to Canada still being part of the Commonwealth of the UK.

My family made the mistake of getting a hotel room in Kowloon.Yes, that Kowloon. It is no longer a Walled city, but the building we stayed in at least still felt like the mega structure of the past. It was however, mostly Indian and Filipino residents running everything in the building.

Our hotel was a “Guest House” on the 15th floor of a building. This guest house had 18 rooms. There were 5 guest houses on each floor of the building. There was also inside the building: streets and alleys, that led to shops, restaurants, money exchanges, and more on each floor.It felt like a mini city inside this building.

The region around our building was similarly cramped outside in the street. The buildings were uncomfortably close, and the alleys on the ground level were filled with shops. Even the local Mall (Across from the building we were staying in) had everything uncomfortably close.

I know this is not how most of the city of Hong Kong is, we did visit a couple other areas. We went to Victoria Park, and relaxed there for a few hours. And we took a 45 minute yacht ride around the bay.

We will not stay in Kowloon again and I will explain why below.

As you may all know by know, My family is a Spectrum Family. We are all on the Autistic Spectrum at some spot. One of the disadvantages of this, is the emotional weight. Some of us, are empathic. The emotions of others nearby can be felt by us. More people, more weight.

On our second day there, everyone was on edge. We ended up spending half the day locked in our tiny guest room. There were 5 of us in an 11m square room.

We had tried the Mall nearby earlier, but it was too much, and we had shaky hands, as we tried to regulate. We had tempers flaring at each other, we had lots of stimming. We all needed to escape.

Honestly, the best part of the trip for my family was the yacht ride. My Sister in Law set it up for us. Yes it was a full boat. But everyone’s emotions on the boat were positive. We got to see the beautiful night sky line of Hong Kong. We got to talk, take pictures, and the yacht supplied free drinks and snacks.

It was so relaxing, I was disappointed it wasn’t a longer trip. But good things must come to an end.

My family learned some important things on this trip:

  • It’s okay to take time to yourself, and go slow, even when time is limited.
  • You can find good places in anywhere you go, if you look.
  • Be patient with those you love, when they are overwhelmed.
  • Bring your noise canceling ear plugs when traveling.
  • Indian food is the Mexican food of Asia: Tastes good going in, but hurts coming out.
  • Bring cash. Chinese Payment Apps do not work in Hong Kong.

New Home, Happenings & Coping Mechanisms.

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Two weeks ago, my wife and I flew down to ShenZhen, a city on the southern coast of China. I will start working here in August. On that trip we were house hunting. We really only looked at 3 or 4 places. We should have looked at more, but we only had the contact information for 1 housing agent.

That said, I think we found a nice place. Then we returned to Beijing to prepare for the moving company.

The moving company we used is the type that packs your things for you. We did not realize this, and had packed almost everything ourselves. When they came, they wrapped some of our larger things in bubble wrap. Then put it all in the truck to move down south.

This past weekend we moved into the apartment, we have been here for 4 days now. We are still settling in. ShenZhen is a beautiful city, but it is hot. I mean Tropical Hot. It will take us some time to get used to that.

This is the first I have been able to post since we started the move. I returned my previous company’s work computer, so I am left with my old Acer, which runs Linux. It was in the boxes until last night, and we didn’t have internet yet. (It actually gets connected tomorrow). I am using my phone as a hot spot.

Some major changes that will take me a while to get used to:

Age & Time

My son is an adult. He turned 18 recently. We had to extend his visa once already. This weekend, we are taking him to Hong Kong (next city over) to fly out to the Philippines. His Aunt and her family is flying in to go with him. Hong Kong is visa free. So he will be moving out for a few months at least. This has been a point of stress.

I think it gets to him too. He has been overwhelmed a lot lately. He stims a lot more, and has a hard time hearing (like me when I am overwhelmed.) He has taken up holding my hand again as we go out to malls and things. In Western countries, this is a big taboo for two men to hold hands. However, it really helps stabilize yourself when there is a lot going on. I really hope the west gets over its homophobia on this.

His move has prompted us to make some changes. We decided to give the 3rd bedroom to our youngest daughter. She used to share with us. Which means for now, my son is living in the living room. I feel guilty about this. I don’t want him to feel like he has no place to live with us. I want him to always have a place with us. But I am reminded that to his Philippine family, this is perfectly normal.

New City

There is a lot to learn about living in ShenZhen. It is a new city, and the culture is a lot more relaxed than Beijing. Even though we lived the last 4 years in a less developed area that was more relaxed, it is different.

In Beijing at night the children are out until late running and playing. They do this because they typically have schooling and academies and homework that don’t end until the sun sets. So the only time they can play is then. Many parents let them run until they pass out effectively.

In ShenZhen When My wife and I went out at night, there was no children out. They had all been playing during the day in the sun, or shade of the trees. (Much like my childhood, but stuck in the apartment compound). Instead we saw a lot of adults out just for a walk. When we went to the mall, and came home late, there was a fair number of teens and fathers bicycling, but almost no young children.

We have also had to spend time figuring out where to get groceries, and necessities. There is a Costco here in town, but we have not visited it yet. It’s on the list of places to go, but it is on the other side of town. We have found a Walmart Super Center nearby. There are a lot of little shops near our home as well.

My youngest and I went downstairs to the building lobby to play badminton the other day. We got the idea from another father & daughter we saw doing this. We didn’t go out because I want to make sure we have sunblock for her first.

Home

Our new home is very white. The paint does not wash off the walls when you try to clean it. Each room has a desk for homework in it, and the beds are comfortable. We noticed a lack of electrical sockets in the living room. But the compound sent someone right away to install more for us when we asked. We had trouble finding out how to use the hot water, they walked us through it digitally. It’s nice to have the immediate response to problems.

We share an elevator with 1 other apartment on our floor. There is a lot of green space to relax in, if you don’t mind the heat outside.

On the down side, the rooms are smaller than our last place. We also do not have a storage closet like before, so we have boxes piled in each room for now.

I have recommended getting some bookshelves for the apartment so we can organize things. My wife is worried about buying furniture for an apartment. Especially if we choose to move out next year for a more convenient location.

With a few pictures on the walls and some book shelves, this place will feel welcoming. I think it will be an amazing place to live long term.

Coping Methods

I have my rocking chair, and I love using it. It is comfortable to read there. I have not sat to read for myself since I moved to my last school 4 years ago. I miss just reading for myself. I cannot use the TV yet, as we don’t have internet. I have been drinking my night time tea, and reading instead. I think it’s probably healthier to stay up reading then to stay up watching tv anyways.

My son has been playing games on his computer since we arrived. (Final Fantasy 9). Those games help him focus. He plays them over and over. It’s his hyper focus. I used to have notebooks galore on Power Ranger lore and Powers, He dies the same for final fantasy. He has notebooks with handwritten notes just on the monsters, and their data.

My wife cleans, re-organizes, and then cleans again. This is her way to deal with stress. We went for a walk around the block the other night, and I fell down the stairs (2 steps). It scared her, and she is nervous about going out for a walk at night again. I am trying to reassure her that I will be fine. I trip and fall like this nearly every other month. However, it has been years since I did it in front of her.

My Oldest daughter has focused on her Art. She has an Art Attack contest / event going on this month. She has been focusing on that a lot. She is amazing at her work.

My youngest has been having so much fun in her own room. She has her desk organized, her toys organized, and she has been dancing in there. Tonight she was trying to make a Youtube video (She can’t post it, but she wants to make them). I may look into how to post them safely later this month. I don’t want to do it unless I feel it is safe. Many factors are involved in that decision. I also don’t want her time on that to impact the rest of her life and school.