Family

New Home, Happenings & Coping Mechanisms.

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Two weeks ago, my wife and I flew down to ShenZhen, a city on the southern coast of China. I will start working here in August. On that trip we were house hunting. We really only looked at 3 or 4 places. We should have looked at more, but we only had the contact information for 1 housing agent.

That said, I think we found a nice place. Then we returned to Beijing to prepare for the moving company.

The moving company we used is the type that packs your things for you. We did not realize this, and had packed almost everything ourselves. When they came, they wrapped some of our larger things in bubble wrap. Then put it all in the truck to move down south.

This past weekend we moved into the apartment, we have been here for 4 days now. We are still settling in. ShenZhen is a beautiful city, but it is hot. I mean Tropical Hot. It will take us some time to get used to that.

This is the first I have been able to post since we started the move. I returned my previous company’s work computer, so I am left with my old Acer, which runs Linux. It was in the boxes until last night, and we didn’t have internet yet. (It actually gets connected tomorrow). I am using my phone as a hot spot.

Some major changes that will take me a while to get used to:

Age & Time

My son is an adult. He turned 18 recently. We had to extend his visa once already. This weekend, we are taking him to Hong Kong (next city over) to fly out to the Philippines. His Aunt and her family is flying in to go with him. Hong Kong is visa free. So he will be moving out for a few months at least. This has been a point of stress.

I think it gets to him too. He has been overwhelmed a lot lately. He stims a lot more, and has a hard time hearing (like me when I am overwhelmed.) He has taken up holding my hand again as we go out to malls and things. In Western countries, this is a big taboo for two men to hold hands. However, it really helps stabilize yourself when there is a lot going on. I really hope the west gets over its homophobia on this.

His move has prompted us to make some changes. We decided to give the 3rd bedroom to our youngest daughter. She used to share with us. Which means for now, my son is living in the living room. I feel guilty about this. I don’t want him to feel like he has no place to live with us. I want him to always have a place with us. But I am reminded that to his Philippine family, this is perfectly normal.

New City

There is a lot to learn about living in ShenZhen. It is a new city, and the culture is a lot more relaxed than Beijing. Even though we lived the last 4 years in a less developed area that was more relaxed, it is different.

In Beijing at night the children are out until late running and playing. They do this because they typically have schooling and academies and homework that don’t end until the sun sets. So the only time they can play is then. Many parents let them run until they pass out effectively.

In ShenZhen When My wife and I went out at night, there was no children out. They had all been playing during the day in the sun, or shade of the trees. (Much like my childhood, but stuck in the apartment compound). Instead we saw a lot of adults out just for a walk. When we went to the mall, and came home late, there was a fair number of teens and fathers bicycling, but almost no young children.

We have also had to spend time figuring out where to get groceries, and necessities. There is a Costco here in town, but we have not visited it yet. It’s on the list of places to go, but it is on the other side of town. We have found a Walmart Super Center nearby. There are a lot of little shops near our home as well.

My youngest and I went downstairs to the building lobby to play badminton the other day. We got the idea from another father & daughter we saw doing this. We didn’t go out because I want to make sure we have sunblock for her first.

Home

Our new home is very white. The paint does not wash off the walls when you try to clean it. Each room has a desk for homework in it, and the beds are comfortable. We noticed a lack of electrical sockets in the living room. But the compound sent someone right away to install more for us when we asked. We had trouble finding out how to use the hot water, they walked us through it digitally. It’s nice to have the immediate response to problems.

We share an elevator with 1 other apartment on our floor. There is a lot of green space to relax in, if you don’t mind the heat outside.

On the down side, the rooms are smaller than our last place. We also do not have a storage closet like before, so we have boxes piled in each room for now.

I have recommended getting some bookshelves for the apartment so we can organize things. My wife is worried about buying furniture for an apartment. Especially if we choose to move out next year for a more convenient location.

With a few pictures on the walls and some book shelves, this place will feel welcoming. I think it will be an amazing place to live long term.

Coping Methods

I have my rocking chair, and I love using it. It is comfortable to read there. I have not sat to read for myself since I moved to my last school 4 years ago. I miss just reading for myself. I cannot use the TV yet, as we don’t have internet. I have been drinking my night time tea, and reading instead. I think it’s probably healthier to stay up reading then to stay up watching tv anyways.

My son has been playing games on his computer since we arrived. (Final Fantasy 9). Those games help him focus. He plays them over and over. It’s his hyper focus. I used to have notebooks galore on Power Ranger lore and Powers, He dies the same for final fantasy. He has notebooks with handwritten notes just on the monsters, and their data.

My wife cleans, re-organizes, and then cleans again. This is her way to deal with stress. We went for a walk around the block the other night, and I fell down the stairs (2 steps). It scared her, and she is nervous about going out for a walk at night again. I am trying to reassure her that I will be fine. I trip and fall like this nearly every other month. However, it has been years since I did it in front of her.

My Oldest daughter has focused on her Art. She has an Art Attack contest / event going on this month. She has been focusing on that a lot. She is amazing at her work.

My youngest has been having so much fun in her own room. She has her desk organized, her toys organized, and she has been dancing in there. Tonight she was trying to make a Youtube video (She can’t post it, but she wants to make them). I may look into how to post them safely later this month. I don’t want to do it unless I feel it is safe. Many factors are involved in that decision. I also don’t want her time on that to impact the rest of her life and school.

Silent but Violent.

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I recently had a conversation about therapy with a good friend. They discussed some of their experiences with it, and I told them that I wished I had been able to have more when I was younger.

I opened up about my memories of childhood, and being told somethings later. Please remember that my memories might not be accurate.

I remember taking speech therapy when I was young. I also remember being told that I didn’t talk until late (like 5 years old late). I remember having a really bad stutter for years. I was told that my mind moved too fast for my mouth to keep up. I was told to try to calm myself before speaking, otherwise I would trip over my words. I remember learning to calm my mind at an early age.

I don’t remember any therapy since.

The thing is I really could have benefited from it. Not just for speech, but for many other things. I opened up to my friend about having violent black outs when I was a young child. I was told multiple times I had nearly strangled my little brother when we were both in diapers. I was told about hitting a child in the head with my metal lunch box. I was told about many other times that I would just change and start hurting people.

I don’t remember these events. But I grew up afraid of myself. I grew up thinking I had a monster inside of me, and that I always had to stay calm and happy. If I didn’t it would get out and hurt people. I spent almost my entire elementary years alone. Partly because I was afraid I would hurt people, partly because I just didn’t know how to make friends.

I spent a lot of time doing quiet things like reading. I used to come home from school and lock myself away with my books. I used to write a lot of fiction. I lost most of those stories, but the ones I have rediscovered I am reworking now. I made my own language including alphabet, vocabulary and rudimentary grammar system. I imagined it was the language of my real world, because I obviously wasn’t from Earth.

The thing is, when you are quiet enough, and watch others enough, you learn. You can learn how to copy them. You can learn their subtle emotional cues. I often feel like I do understand other people’s emotions, but often they are emotions that the other people do not want public. So when I ask them, or try to show care, it scares them.

As I grew up, I learned how to calm myself, mostly. I also learned how to avoid stress. Remember these are self-taught and may not be best practice:

  • Avoid people: The unpredictability of people causes stress.
  • Don’t offer advice or information unless directly asked. People will try to prove you wrong, or will mock your advice.
  • Don’t stand out: Do what your there for, and move on.
  • Find a Safe Space: a quiet place to cry, punch walls, or curl up that nobody will disturb you. You need one for every place you go to. Please remember my generation was not allowed to wear headphones anywhere growing up. We really had nothing we could do to block out sounds, jeers or other sensations at school or in public places.
  • Stuffed Toys are amazing. Soft things help hide fears, and emotions.
  • Count & Breathe: I still use this one. I sit, or lean against something. Close my eyes, and count from one to 10 focusing on the numbers, and my breathing. If I get to 10, I count back down to 1. If I have completed up and down, and am still standing, I sit, and just focus on controlled breathing. I sometimes have to cover my ears at this point to give me reprieve and focus on the breathing.

I think My violent outbursts when I was young may have been caused by over stimulation. Too many things happening, and no way to stop it. so I would black out. (And my body would try to get away from the disturbance). But I honestly don’t know.

In my older years now, I am more in control of things, and have some tools in place to help. So I no longer have blackouts. I do still have times I cannot speak. These come rarely. I try to use my own experiences to help the children around me, but I find it harder to explain to other adults why the children may be acting up. Many of them just think the children are over reacting to things. I don’t wish to yell at them, so I will often just say I will talk with the child.

Children don’t learn in a vacuum. And they don’t suddenly stop feeling their emotions because it inconveniences others. It can be a hard, long process for them. Unfortunately as an educator, all I can do sometimes is sit with them, and try to let them know they are in a safe space.

Playgrounds: Fun & Games or Danger?

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As a parent, living abroad, I have had a very hard time finding free places for my children to play. This has been an ongoing difficulty for the last 18 years. Parks and recreation areas exist, but are not geared for children.

In Beijing, there are a lot of green space parks. I see them all around the city. We walk through them and can relax easily. The one thing I have noticed about these parks, is that they are often equipped with outdoor exercise equipment. Equipment that is suited for the aging senior citizen population. There are no swings, or see saws, or climbing rigs. Instead there are walkers, and stair climbers, and rigs for rotating arms and wrists.

I asked someone about this once. I was told that children needed to use their energy to study and prepare for adulthood. After retirement, they could play.

Apartment compounds are similarly equipped for seniors. The one compound we lived in did have an aging wooden climbing rig with some metal rocking horses on springs. but they were falling apart and not cared for at all. It had no children playing at it.

The school I worked for years at fluctuated on this. When I joined 18 years ago, they had a jungle gym with a slide, climbing bars and stepping stones. Less than a year after I joined a little boy got hurt on the rig. The school removed it to avoid a lawsuit. For the next 2 years there was no playground, just a running track, and soccer field.

Three years later, they installed some new climbing bars. That same year, a girl fell off them and banged her head on the bars on the way down. They were dug up and removed.

5 years later they installed a swing set near the front gate. The security guards would keep an eye on it. I am not clear on the cause, but within a month, they removed the swing and left the frame.

Every few years the school would put something in, and within 2 or 3 months it would be gone.

For the entire primary school years of my two older children, we had to pay for them to enter private playgrounds. They would appear at supermarkets, or malls. However, as soon as there was enough Yearly passes sold, they would disappear. Few of them stayed open. and they were always packed.

I asked one of my son’s classmate’s parents once about how they arranged social time. I was told, that they arranged for their child to attend the same math classes and English classes after school as their friends. Then they could play in class. This seemed to be the general consensus. We did eventually get my son to be able to visit his friend’s house to play a few times. My daughter was not so lucky.

When we moved to my new school I thought things might be different. The school has a lovely playground, and it takes care of it. During the pandemic, my children had free reign over the playground with the other kids that lived on campus. It was great.

Kids at this school had to have insurance. It was a requirement to even register with the school. So if a child gets hurt, the parents wouldn’t sue the school. Theoretically.

Last summer they replaced the playground with a great big new playground. It has climbing poles, and nets, and slides, and in one area 3 roundabouts. 2 that you can sit on and 1 that you hang from.

Well a little girl was on the roundabout and flew off while it was spinning. So the school welded them all still. The kids, being kids, broke the weld by forcing the roundabouts around. and the school bolted them.

So now we have 3 brand new roundabouts that are useless, and are just seats, or hanging bars.

My point with all this is this. When did society decide that children cannot play? Or that they can only play where there is a profit to be made from them?

I remember being thrown off of a seesaw when I was a child. I lost a tooth, and bloodied my nose. It was terrifying, and I don’t recommend it. But from my experience, everyone nearby learned. The compound kept the seesaw. When the other kids played on it, they made sure that the weight was close to even.

I cannot imagine what would happen here and now if that happened.

Look I don’t want my children being mauled or disabled by playground equipment. but I do want them to be able to learn from making mistakes. They need to learn to identify problems or dangers. If we take all dangers away from them, they cannot learn this fundamental skill.

My children used to see more playgrounds in Peppa Pig and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse than they did in real life. So with the youngest I want to keep her out playing as long as the air is clean enough. If she gets hurt, we’ll hug her and she will learn from it. Worse case scenario, she needs a doctor for an injury. but still, she will get support from us, and will learn. She will also get time to play with other kids, and learn social skills that we had to fight hard to expose her older siblings to.

Does this make me a bad parent in the world’s eyes?