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Understanding the Shopping Experience for Autism

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Shopping can be hard. It is hard when we break routine. Certain shopping centers terrify me, others are just uncomfortable enough that I avoid them. Below are things I like and dislike about shopping.

Crowds

Large groups of people in small spaces suffocate me. I become highly aware of how much space is between myself and everyone else. While my wife is able to walk freely between people to grab things, I end up navigating around busy aisles to that I have enough personal space. I end up getting cut off by people running in front of me, which gives me a min-panic attack, and I end up backing up away from people to make space.

There is a shopping center nearby that is 100% below ground, and has tiny aisles so that they can fit everything in. Just the thought of going there is exhausting.

Sound

Often due to the crowds, the noise in these places is pretty intense. I cannot discuss with my wife what we need, or where she is heading off to. I hear a wall of sound, and it is overwhelming. To combat this we use a shopping list app that I can focus on. I just do my best to follow my wife and look at the list.

Many shopping centers have music playing from different departments, the Electronics department will have shows playing, the food department has “Calming” music, the hawkers try to get your attention to buy things or introduce samples. The people talk very loud, the lights buzz, the shopping trolley wheels squeak. all of this gives me a massive headache, and makes it really hard to focus on things. What I need, do I need this extra thing not on my list? I don’t know because I cannot think.

Samples

I like my space. I like being left to do my shopping. So when a lady, or gentleman comes over to offer me samples, that I was moving away from, they invade my space I was trying to keep. Or when there is a sampling that involves cooking, there is invariably a line up for the samples, that block off entire sections of the store. I now have to move back, and reanalyze the lay out of the store to find a safe way to get to where I need to go.

On top of these, if I am shopping with my children, often a sample-provider will walk right up to the kids and give them a sample, no asking permission. I mean what if the child (Who doesn’t speak the language) was allergic to their food? they didn’t check, they just gave, and sometimes I have to bat the food away, or intercept it, and then I look like the bad guy…

I understand that providing samples is an essential part of the business, and I appreciate that. But really…

Re-Arranging or Products, or replacing products.

There are certain products that my wife and I have been buying for years, and when they disappear it is frustrating. Both of us are very particular about the brands and products we buy. Brand C is not a replacement for Brand A. I’m sorry, no. It looks different, it costs different, it tastes different. No.

Its bad enough when a product is moved for a special, and you now have to run around the whole store into aisles you never go into for various reasons, just to find it. But when a Brand or product stops being available all together, and often with no warning. We often go without our favorite dishes when this happens. It may take 2 or three months before we try again. There are dishes that we used to eat all the time, but we have not made in 5 years now because of this issue.

People

Not the same as crowds. If I have had a good experience with the people who work at a place I will shop there, if not I wont. I had an experience at a shop nearby that keeps me from buying food there ever again. One of the meat counter employees asked me for my personal contact information so that he could practice his English. This action caused him to get into a fist fight with another employee.

I have not returned to that meat department in 2 years.

My Favorite Places to Shop

There are two places I enjoy shopping. The reasons are simple, and maybe you can spot them.

Place one is a small shop. think local green grocer. They have a lot of produce and a limited supply of meat. The people are polite, the aisle are narrow, but are organized in a very logical way, so i can easily get to what I need. Products don’t move out of their area. If it is not there, they are out of stock, I can try next time. There is very soft music, but since there are not a lot of people inside at a time, due to it’s narrow aisles, it is quiet.

Place two is a large warehouse style store, but only for food. It has a lot of space in the aisles. There is a lot of variety. Rarely do things move. It is underground, but it doesn’t feel claustrophobic because the aisles are wide enough. The employees don’t approach you, you approach them for help, and they are very nice about this. It is very bright and clean looking, and the entire atmosphere is relaxing.

Around the corner from place two is one of my favorite coffee shops, which is connected to a book store, so it is a nice quiet place to relax.

But of course the best way to shop, for me is online delivery. I don’t need to leave my home, and 95% of the time I get exactly what I ask for.

All of these factors lead to an exhausting experience that unfortunately must be repeated if I wish to survive.

Distractions needed…

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I have been busy distracting myself. Today’s panic attack made me realize this.

This year of work, has been a hard year for the whole school. For months, it felt like a doom cloud was cast over everyone. Morale tanked, in the staff and many students, solutions that were implemented to mitigate this made things worse for a while, and it wasn’t until about a month ago that I, personally started to feel a bit of positivity.

I have been having a hard time focusing on what should be focused on lately. I have a few days left to get report cards finished, and I have not been able to focus on those. I find myself trying to steady my mind everyday and get work done, but some days I just stare at the computer screen with my headphones on for hours. I haven’t even been able to focus much on D&D, which is my usual distraction.

During class time I try to focus on helping the children and explaining things, but as soon as their individual work begins, every sound or action grabs my attention, and tears me away from what I need to be doing.

Last week I had my formal observations, which I felt was terrible. I was trying to help the kids, and focus on the students I was conferring with, but the rest of the class must have picked up on my lack of focus, because as soon as the principal was there, they couldn’t focus. I had students dancing, making airplanes, playing with the class calendar, every action except what they were supposed to be doing, working on their fairy tale story that they are authoring.

Today during lunch, I had a full on panic attack. I was watching the cafeteria, as was my duty, but suddenly my heart began racing a mile a minute, my legs grew weak, and I had to sit down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to close my eyes and focus on breathing for a good 5 minutes.

…and then an hour after lunch, I had my meeting with the principal about my observed class. He was reassuring that I was doing everything I was supposed to do, and to not let it bother me, but I still just felt terrible.

I need this upcoming holiday.

Overstimulated -not a good thing.

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When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.

Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.

Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.

Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?

I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.

Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.

I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.

This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.

I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.

I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….

Next unit will be better. Fairy Tales.