The world does not make sense. This is not news. But I find that as I grow older, the world makes less sense. When we were young, we could be comfortable in the knowledge that the world would make more sense as we got older. As we grow older we realize this was a lie.

I am not going to lay down what parts of the world are difficult for me right now, because that is neither the focus of this post, nor the purpose of this blog. I know that each of us has things in their lives that make no sense, or are difficult to deal with. Sometimes it is memories of the past. Sometimes it is their current situation. Often times it is financial woes, and worries about the future.

Whatever the cause is, change happens, and change can be hard. Harder for some than others. Change can be panic-causing.

In my case, the realization that things were changing too quickly caused me to shut down when I was near certain people. People who my brain has now connected as unsafe. Oddly enough, these people are trying to be good people. They are trying hard to solve problems, but circumstances have led to my brain shutting down near them. It will take time to move past this, and reset it.

I went to a neurologist about this, and the fact that I have been feeling my brain throbb (not a headache) inside my skull near-constantly for 3 weeks. I don’t know if normal people can feel their brain or not, but I can. I can tell the difference between a headache, and a stress throbb. His solution: take ginko. (I have not yet as I am a broke father/ teacher/ writer) I will look into getting some this week if we can afford.

I have been writing a lot lately oddly enough not here. My fiction writing has been the focus, as sometimes it is easier to escape into fiction than deal with the world around you.

Its odd, when I am relaxed, I read more. When I am stressed I write more. Escapism is wonderful. It helps manage my brain. I can listen to music and write, the combined effect of the deep bass voices calm, and the writing provides an outlet. But as soon as I return to this world, life squishes my brain back into the box it wants to escape.

I need more time to read and write lately. There are, however, only so many hours in a day, and sleep and work are needed to survive. As I move towards some difficult changes that unfortunately must happen, the world keeps turning and life keeps changing. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t, but it does.