Writing

Shopping – Redux

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About a year ago I wrote about my experiences in shopping. I still struggle with this, but I thought I would write again about this difficulty after this weekend’s attempts to shop.

Since we moved to ShenZhen we have been mostly getting our groceries at the local Walmart. I am glad that we have one here. Are there other options? Yes. Have we found or experienced many? Not yet.

During the summer, we were able to go shopping mostly during the week. If you are not aware, weekend shopping can be a bit of a nightmare.

Since work is starting up again, we have to get back into the routine of shopping on the weekend, and slow down on the food delivery. In order to limit difficulties, My wife and I put our youngest into a playground nearby, and had our older daughter watch her while she drew. This way we would only have 2 of us to try to push through the crowds.

Walmart was busy. Back to school sales drew in a lot of extra people, yes. But a lot of extra on top of the regular chaos that is the weekend shopping.

I am lucky that they do not test their air fresheners or other perfumes. The entire upper floor, filled with household goods, was mostly scent free. But once we moved down to the food floor, My brain went on high alert. Loud noise and crowds do not a friend make with the autistic brain.

My wife was able to slide through the crowds easily, and I would get cut off, or have people move way to close for comfort. Aisles were filled with people, and hard to navigate. Often times I would just stand in the main Aisle, while my wife grabbed things. Unfortunately that meant I moved slowly, to not run into people and to keep distance, and stopped a lot. This meant I was prime prey for the food samplers.

I know a lot of people love the food samples at supermarkets. And I do periodically, but not often. I have texture issues with food, smell issues with food, and tast issues with food. So it is rare that I find a sample I am willing to try. On top of that, in a crowded market, all my senses are in overdrive. So for an employee to tap me on the shoulder to offer food, or to push a random thing on a stick or a cup of odd liquid into my face as I am trying to maneuver away from people can be extremely frustrating.

We had an employee rush up to my cart, and put 2 packs of shrimp right in my cart so she could take a picture. No asking, just boom there she was with things pushed into my cart. She then removed them from the cart after the photo, but it was startling.

Clear Headed issues.

Luckily, my wife was happy to lead the way through sections and Checked that I was ok multiple times. She could see it on my face. But in crowds like that, another issue that happens, is I cannot think straight.

Normally If I am shopping, I can look at products, check the expiration date, or the price and spend a bit of time deciding which one I need. If I am overstimulated, I will often grab the first thing that matches my needs. We need bacon? Great, there it is, done, I can rush out of this section. Is it our brand? is it the right amount? is it a good price? I don’t know, but I escaped that crowd for now.

Cost of groceries can be as much as 50% higher than normal because of this.

Arm space.

One of the reason My wife and I enjoy Walmart and other wester style shops, is not just number of customers. I like to have space to move around. If the aisles are too narrow, I don’t feel comfortable going down them. Even if there is no other person in the aisle, I feel like a bull in a pottery shop. I know if I turn, or look around, I will knock something off the shelf. So I have to shuffle sideways into the aisle, or head directly through.

This is especially hard since I am usually carrying a backpack that has our shopping bags and other essentials in it. (Motion sickness things for my family, tissues, etc.)

Smells

I mentioned earlier that I am glad that Walmart doesn’t spray their perfumes and things into the air. There are, however many shops that burn incense, and spray perfumes or fresheners into the air. These smells often give me headaches, but the stronger ones will actually cause my eyes to burn. A few times I had to avoid people who were wearing a lot of scents while shopping. (And sometimes at work) because I just cannot breathe, or see, and need headache meds.

Solutions vs reality.

Some of my difficulties have possible solutions, but they are not always practical.

Headphones: For my sound sensitivity, I could wear my headphones. They block out a lot of the sound. If I was alone, I would do this. But I was raised with the following “etiquette” It is rude to wear headphones when out with people. If I am with my family, or friends, it is rude to wear headphones. They need to communicate with me too, and it is difficult to do that with headphones on.

Weekday Shopping: For my spacial awareness, i could shop with my wife after school. So there will be less people. There are days I may have the energy to do this. But typically after school I have been needed to help my daughter with her homework. I also need my down time to process the day or i will not be able to fall asleep at night.

Wife Shop during weekdays: Some people have suggested that My wife shop during weekdays on her own. I am not the only one in my family with developmental difficulties. My wife suffers from extreme anxiety when she has to go out or do things on her own. She needs a comfort person with her just to leave the house. She has not found someone outside the family yet that she is that comfortable with.

Shopping List: I have several apps on my phone that keep me organized. 1 is a shopping list app. I can and often do use it to keep trak of the things I have to buy. this can include product names, and values. Yes, I may have to stand in the crowd to ge the right stuff, but having it easily visible, helps remove some processing power from me, and I can focus on staying safe.

Health Apps: Another solution I have been known to use is my Health App’s Breathing excercise. I can stand away from people and focus on the breathing, either by closing my eyes, or by focusing on the expanding and contracting bubble in the app.

New Home, Happenings & Coping Mechanisms.

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Two weeks ago, my wife and I flew down to ShenZhen, a city on the southern coast of China. I will start working here in August. On that trip we were house hunting. We really only looked at 3 or 4 places. We should have looked at more, but we only had the contact information for 1 housing agent.

That said, I think we found a nice place. Then we returned to Beijing to prepare for the moving company.

The moving company we used is the type that packs your things for you. We did not realize this, and had packed almost everything ourselves. When they came, they wrapped some of our larger things in bubble wrap. Then put it all in the truck to move down south.

This past weekend we moved into the apartment, we have been here for 4 days now. We are still settling in. ShenZhen is a beautiful city, but it is hot. I mean Tropical Hot. It will take us some time to get used to that.

This is the first I have been able to post since we started the move. I returned my previous company’s work computer, so I am left with my old Acer, which runs Linux. It was in the boxes until last night, and we didn’t have internet yet. (It actually gets connected tomorrow). I am using my phone as a hot spot.

Some major changes that will take me a while to get used to:

Age & Time

My son is an adult. He turned 18 recently. We had to extend his visa once already. This weekend, we are taking him to Hong Kong (next city over) to fly out to the Philippines. His Aunt and her family is flying in to go with him. Hong Kong is visa free. So he will be moving out for a few months at least. This has been a point of stress.

I think it gets to him too. He has been overwhelmed a lot lately. He stims a lot more, and has a hard time hearing (like me when I am overwhelmed.) He has taken up holding my hand again as we go out to malls and things. In Western countries, this is a big taboo for two men to hold hands. However, it really helps stabilize yourself when there is a lot going on. I really hope the west gets over its homophobia on this.

His move has prompted us to make some changes. We decided to give the 3rd bedroom to our youngest daughter. She used to share with us. Which means for now, my son is living in the living room. I feel guilty about this. I don’t want him to feel like he has no place to live with us. I want him to always have a place with us. But I am reminded that to his Philippine family, this is perfectly normal.

New City

There is a lot to learn about living in ShenZhen. It is a new city, and the culture is a lot more relaxed than Beijing. Even though we lived the last 4 years in a less developed area that was more relaxed, it is different.

In Beijing at night the children are out until late running and playing. They do this because they typically have schooling and academies and homework that don’t end until the sun sets. So the only time they can play is then. Many parents let them run until they pass out effectively.

In ShenZhen When My wife and I went out at night, there was no children out. They had all been playing during the day in the sun, or shade of the trees. (Much like my childhood, but stuck in the apartment compound). Instead we saw a lot of adults out just for a walk. When we went to the mall, and came home late, there was a fair number of teens and fathers bicycling, but almost no young children.

We have also had to spend time figuring out where to get groceries, and necessities. There is a Costco here in town, but we have not visited it yet. It’s on the list of places to go, but it is on the other side of town. We have found a Walmart Super Center nearby. There are a lot of little shops near our home as well.

My youngest and I went downstairs to the building lobby to play badminton the other day. We got the idea from another father & daughter we saw doing this. We didn’t go out because I want to make sure we have sunblock for her first.

Home

Our new home is very white. The paint does not wash off the walls when you try to clean it. Each room has a desk for homework in it, and the beds are comfortable. We noticed a lack of electrical sockets in the living room. But the compound sent someone right away to install more for us when we asked. We had trouble finding out how to use the hot water, they walked us through it digitally. It’s nice to have the immediate response to problems.

We share an elevator with 1 other apartment on our floor. There is a lot of green space to relax in, if you don’t mind the heat outside.

On the down side, the rooms are smaller than our last place. We also do not have a storage closet like before, so we have boxes piled in each room for now.

I have recommended getting some bookshelves for the apartment so we can organize things. My wife is worried about buying furniture for an apartment. Especially if we choose to move out next year for a more convenient location.

With a few pictures on the walls and some book shelves, this place will feel welcoming. I think it will be an amazing place to live long term.

Coping Methods

I have my rocking chair, and I love using it. It is comfortable to read there. I have not sat to read for myself since I moved to my last school 4 years ago. I miss just reading for myself. I cannot use the TV yet, as we don’t have internet. I have been drinking my night time tea, and reading instead. I think it’s probably healthier to stay up reading then to stay up watching tv anyways.

My son has been playing games on his computer since we arrived. (Final Fantasy 9). Those games help him focus. He plays them over and over. It’s his hyper focus. I used to have notebooks galore on Power Ranger lore and Powers, He dies the same for final fantasy. He has notebooks with handwritten notes just on the monsters, and their data.

My wife cleans, re-organizes, and then cleans again. This is her way to deal with stress. We went for a walk around the block the other night, and I fell down the stairs (2 steps). It scared her, and she is nervous about going out for a walk at night again. I am trying to reassure her that I will be fine. I trip and fall like this nearly every other month. However, it has been years since I did it in front of her.

My Oldest daughter has focused on her Art. She has an Art Attack contest / event going on this month. She has been focusing on that a lot. She is amazing at her work.

My youngest has been having so much fun in her own room. She has her desk organized, her toys organized, and she has been dancing in there. Tonight she was trying to make a Youtube video (She can’t post it, but she wants to make them). I may look into how to post them safely later this month. I don’t want to do it unless I feel it is safe. Many factors are involved in that decision. I also don’t want her time on that to impact the rest of her life and school.

What can I do?

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I can’t think.

Sometimes things become bigger than they should. I get into a spot where I am trying to process what is happening. I am trying to make sure I am making the right decisions for everyone, but I can’t think fast enough. Thing move faster than I can process.

Often at the end of the day, I am exhausted. After I drop the children off at the gate, I need time to reflect, or process. I know I have to write a notice home to parents. sometimes it is for the whole group. Sometimes is is individual parents, to praise or inform of difficulties their child has had. If it has been a difficult day, I cannot do this immediately. I need time to process. What did I do right, or wrong? What can I do better next time? Could I have done better? How? What do I need to do to help these kids?

One of the things I have to unlearn is that it is not always my fault. Growing up, All miscommunications where blamed on me. I was not clear enough. I didn’t say things fast enough. I wasn’t assertive enough. I was too blunt. My tone of voice was wrong. My face was wrong when I was talking.

Often, I have moments in the middle of the day, where what I planned is not working. I have to switch gears and try plan B to explain things. Then Plan C. When Plan H has failed, I am left lost. Sometimes well meaning people come up and ask me what they can do to help.

I am left at a loss usually when this happens. I cannot begin to think about how they can help. I am at a loss. I am still processing what went wrong in the first place. My prepared response is always. “I don’t know right now. Can I get back to you?”

If I get 2 or 3 people asking me back to back, like today. I just… I don’t know. I can’t even think yet..

I know then mean well. At least one does. I may have misread the other’s face. To me their face was saying “Why can’t you do this on your own?” Again, I may be misreading.

I have now taken an hour. let me start again.

Too many things.

When communication isn’t clear, I don’t just feel confused—I start blaming myself. Doubting myself. Spinning. Many autistic people prefer written communication—and I can see why. Emails can be great, because people take time to think about what they are writing. They look back over an email and edit for clarity. Instant Messaging can be terrifying and I still dislike it.

People text brief messages that are often misunderstood, and there is no review before sending them. Last night after work, I got a string of messages from my administrators. No context. No details. Just enough to make me feel like I’d done something horribly wrong.

I spent the whole night replaying the day—trying to figure out where I’d overstepped. I knew what I’d done, but not why it might be a problem.

In the morning, more messages: “Let’s meet.” No explanation.

I asked for clarification. Nothing.

You know how deer freeze in the headlights of an oncoming car? They aren’t being reckless—they’re overwhelmed. Their brains stall, trying to process what’s coming at them. That’s how I felt. Stuck. Not knowing what to think, say, or do.

The meeting was more positive than I had anticipated. But up to that point I was terrified. The team asked how they could help—but the truth is, as I’m still processing, I have no idea what I need. That is something that needs to be planned. If you show up and ask me what I need help with in that moment, I’ll freeze up.

I have students who freeze up like I do, and I’m not always perfect at giving them the time they need. I also have students who try to take advantage of that lag, which helps no one. I want to give them the space I sometimes don’t know how to ask for myself. But like me, they don’t always know what they need in the moment. And like me, they’re still learning. We’re not being difficult—we’re just trying to keep up with a game that moves faster than we can think.