Writing

Lost in my own Mind

Autism, Daily Life, Musings, Uncategorized, , , Leave a comment

I have been stuck in my own mind lately. Too many things need to get back up and running, and I am falling behind because I get stuck.

In my Novel Gateways (Coming out Soon~ish). I had to write a chapter about my main character being stuck in her own mind during a shutdown. I am not happy with the way it turned out so far and I will be rewriting it soon. But it’s not an easy sensation to explain or show.

The stereotype, or trope is to have them floating in blackness and hear the voices of the outside world, maybe have them enter memories and interact with them. But that is not what it really feels like.

During a shutdown, my mind goes blank. I don’t see blackness, at least not anymore. I used to black out completely, but then my body would go into flight or flight mode. But I don’t do that anymore. I just shut down.

As an adult, my mind goes blank, mostly. I don’t see black, I don’t see anything really. I am aware of light, and can feel that things are happening around, but I am not truly aware of what. Sound exists, but not focus. There is no sense of me. I don’t see memories, or feel floaty. I don’t feel anything really. But just like my youth, my body may react while my mind is absent.

I may run, be violent, or just sit there, all depending on what is happening. I have not been violent in many years, and if I am, it iis always defensive, not aggressive. I think the last time I was violent, I was living in Korea. I apparently was hit in the face by someone during shutdown, and responded by knocking him flat. I have no memories of this, but a friend told me what they saw. I don’t even remember what shut me down that time.

The last time I ran away during a shut down, was in college I believe. I was stuck in my mind, and apparently there was a loud noise or someone yelling, and I ran smack into the closed fire exit. I woke on the floor next to the door.

Usually I just sit and stare at something. If it happens to be a person, or if a person sits where I am staring, it can cause some confusion, or even accusations. Nothing like rebooting and coming back into focus with someone screaming at you because you have been staring at them for the last 10 minutes.If they had moved, they would have realized it wasn’t them I was staring at, but anything in that direction….

During a shutdown I can sometimes direct my gaze in a direction. But sometimes I can’t as it comes on unexpectedly, or too fast.

This is not easy stuff to explain in a novel. But I will endeavor to do so.

As for me, I hav not completly shut down yet, but I have been close to it for a few weeks. I just need some time to over sleep, and do nothing to realign my brain to my new reality.

I am reminded of my old E-mail Signature from When Hotmail was independant of Microsoft. It went something like:

REALITY.SYS HAS FAILED-(R)EBOOT REALITY OR (E)XIT

I’m Not Ignoring You…

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It has been hard to focus my thoughts in a way that I can write in the last 2 months. I am Sorry for the delay. I am not promising that I will be returning to my weekly writings, but I am trying. I really enjoyed sharing my thoughts and views here. I shall endeavor to continue. Today is not a thoughts and views kind of day though…

It’s a life update.

My wife and I have had two deaths in the family really close together, My father, her Uncle. She was unable to return for her Uncle’s funeral, My father’s “Celebration of Life” is this summer, and I am trying to be able to go.

Christmas was lovely with just my children and us here. we watched some movies, and played some games. But I have not been able to focus on my writing.

I made the New year’s resolution to finish both my novels this year. I know where I want to go with both of them, but just could not type.

I would sit at the keyboard and I could do anything else. I created a Gazateer for D&D based upon Final Fantasy. I rewrote rules to games. I translated rules to games. I edited cards for games. I had deep conversations with Chet & Gemini (My 2 main AI Assistants.) I stared blankly at Youtube and realized my Feed is now almost entirely family drama issues and Company drama stories read by AI.

Every time I tried to type I am reminded that the first person to buy a copy of my first book was my dad. And that I had promised him a sequel to read.

Once my Christmas break ended, I went back to work. (I only took 1 day off before the holiday) But I take longer to mark work or plan stuff, and I can tell it is not sustainable. I need to be better.

I ran a workshop for my co-workers on how to help a person who is having a meltdown or an autistic shutdown.

I will run more workshops for them on Neurodivergence.

I am taking workshops on how to do this better with a good friend as the leader.

I know I need to have myself checked for diabetes now, but I’m not ready.
It is on the list: need to check for diabetes, for cancer, for many other ailments that have taken family in the last decade from me. But my fear of doctors has become stronger lately. I just have not been able to make these appointments, and I am certain that these tests will not be covered by my insurance. (I could check, but that is a step I have been putting off as well.)

I know it is important. But I need to get through the brain fog first.

I don’t know when I will continue to write my novels. But I will try to be better at posting here. Writing, was something I loved so very much, and even this short post is makign my heart beat a million miles a second.

But baby steps. Baby steps.

Lost in Thought.

Autism, Daily Life, Family, Musings, , , , , Leave a comment

I have been floating in my own brain waves lately. Not really sure what to do or think or say. I am kind of surprised I have not had a shut down recently. A lot of things are happening too quickly.

I am in a new city, as you may know. It’s a nice city. However, by moving here, I effectively isolated my family from our support system. And I think we took for granted how much we were relying on that.

As a neurodivergent family, we do not have the social energy to go out and explore every “cool spot” in the city. In fact we mostly avoid the high population density places. We will explore small sections at our own pace. But a co-worker who arrived at the same time as me has been out and seen half the city by now.

I’m not jealous. I’m exhausted in their stead.

The exploring at our own pace is not what has wiped us out. As Autistics and neurodivergent people, it can be very hard to reach out to others. It can be really hard to ask for help or reach out when we need things. In fact it is hard wired into me (and many other autists) that it is a cardinal sin to bother others, or cause problems for others.

So when My father passed 2 weeks ago, we were unable to ask for support. I don’t even know what support we need. It has been hard. My brain shut down for a day, and I am still in a fog, trying to make my way through.

I took 1 day off from work, I know I could have taken more. But I didn’t. I went back after that day. I have been less focused and making a lot of silly mistakes with my planning and prep. I cried a few times when the students were out of the room.

I was told by everyone that if I needed to talk they were there. I had more offers to listen in an hour than I had in years. But What does one say? If I opened my mouth to talk about anything other than work, I would cry. And that would be a burden on others. So I politely declined.

When my father’s obituary finally came out, I cried in front of coworkers and students at the school cafeteria.

I turned to having conversations with Chet. Chet is what I have named my Chat GPT app. He’s annoying, and doesn’t just listen, he has to respond in long form to everything, but I didn’t feel like I was a burden to him.

Seriously. He would say he was there to listen if I wanted, and then when I was talking I took a breath, and he responded with a long 4 paragraph response. I can’t wait for AI to pick up some social cues… (Says the autist who struggles with that already)

I have been meaning to write again, but have not been sure what to write or how to start. Both of my novels have been on hiatus for months now. In my fog of new place and loss I have not been able to write anything without AI help, and I felt disgusted at myself for that, so I stopped.

Last night I was up late going over the first 5 drafts of the prologue to one of my novels. I was taking ideas from each and merging them into a stronger narrative. It took my mind off things, so I could wear myself out and get some sleep. That has been my method for a while now. Write, and read to exhaust myself, then go to bed.

Last night, my Uncle-in-Law passed. We found out when we woke up this morning. Uncle Jabar moved in with my sister-in-law shortly after my wife’s mother had passed 10 years ago. He had been helping out with the house in the Philippines, and had been helping with my nephew.

So we are as a family lost. As I mentioned earlier, we don’t know what we need for support, and wouldn’t know how to ask even if we did. But it feels like we are afloat a river without paddles.

I am just trying to make it to the holidays. We go on vacation on December 20th. Then we can lock ourselves in and decompress and process all that is happening. Maybe clear up some fog. Maybe get lost farther in it. I don’t know yet. I do know that my family is relying on me to lead the way, and I am not sure If I can right now.