mental health

Routines: falling into or making them?

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Routines are a very important part of life for me, and for all autistics. Th difference between routines and schedules is blurred for many people. For us, however, there is an obvious difference, and when routines and schedules clash, headaches occur.

So first let’s explain what I mean by both Routines and Schedules before we continue. A routine is an action repeated in a certain order on a regular basis. the actions do not have a set time to begin or end.

My daily drinks are a routine; Every morning, I have a coffee with or just after breakfast. I then bring a mug of hot chocolate with me to work. Hot drinks calm me down, and help me relax and think. On a tough day, my hot chocolate doesn’t last. I must then get a mocha from the cafe on campus. Then in the evening after dinner, when the children have gone to bed, I have a lemon tea.

A schedule dictates the times things begin and end. Period one begins at 8:20, and ends at 9:05. No exception.

I have a love-hate relationship with schedules. First: I have a hard time keeping track of time, and I know several autistics that do as well. To combat this, I have alarms on my phone and smart watch. They warn me when there is only 5 minutes left to a class period or a recess. I don’t like surprise schedule changes, or endings. My other problem is my brain is fixed that a schedule must be followed. I get anxious if it is not. Family running a little late for church? anxiety. Another teacher running into recess or break time with my students? anxiety. I finish my lesson early, and have empty space to fill? anxiety.

Many Autistics are able to easily merge their work schedule with their routines. I envy this. However, the school I work at does something that makes it really hard to keep track of for me. Our schedules do not follow the calendar week. The schedules follow “Letter Days”. Each week is different than the previous week. but there is still a repetition there. So now I have to keep track of 2 separate calendars in my head. Children have special events on Week Days (Little Johnny takes the bus home on Mondays), but classes follow “Letter days” (Grammar class happens on Days A & C)

Many days my head hurts from planning the week.

But this comes to the point of all this. You do these things, you eventually fall into routine with them. after 3 years, I am better at planning my week around the letter days. I also have a better control of my daily routine. You just fall into them whether you like it or not.

Arguably, falling into a routine because it is forced on you, is easier than creating your own routine.

Often we are told about how managing our routines can benefit us. As an Autistic, I have a limited amount of social energy. So I try to use it sparingly. the problem is, if I drain myself, it stops me from thinking. My brain shuts down.

I know I need to change my routine, and go to bed earlier, or to blog regularly. But the change of routine takes energy, and it feels unnatural for the first month or so. So if I am drained, like I often am lately. I don’t have the energy to fight the routine, or to change it. I just fall into it to save energy.

One example of this. Back in September my wife and I promised to walk with each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The plan was after dark, just around the block. But every day I have come home completely exhausted. I have just enough energy to (most days) help my daughter with her homework. And then I shut down. I stare at a screen or a wall, and cannot function for hours.

Another example is My weekly teacher D&D Game. Many people would think that this would cause me to get drained. But it was my routine. I would talk with friends, problem solve logically, or laugh. I would come home feeling a bit refreshed. When we had a month of cancellations, I was more exhausted just coming home. and I had to accept a change of routine, that I really did not want.

Of course some routine changes are easier than others. If I have someone there to help me with the routine, it becomes easier. My wife helping me get used to the weekly church is an example. Or the messages I get from members of my Men’s group reminding me of the Monday meeting. these were easy to get into. Other people are sharing the energy loss.

Alone, it is hard, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying. Not logically terrifying, but emotionally so. Knowing how hard it can be, I just don’t want to do it many times.

Who helps you with your routine changes? can you make these changes on your own? please let me know.

Dungeons & Dragons & Me.

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It feels strange to talk about this, so please be kind as you read.

When I was young, I had a very hard time making and keeping friends. In elementary school I was accepted by my younger brother’s friends, but did not completely fit in there. I was the big kid that asked the younger kids a lot of questions.

When I was in Junior High (What we called Middle School), I had a friend. We will call him Rick. I discovered much later that Rick was pretending. He was always doing and saying things to make me look bad so people would laugh at me. I didn’t notice, because Rick smiled when near me and asked me questions, and ate lunch with me. He laughed near me. I thought he was laughing with me, but discovered later that it was at me.

Around this time, my oldest brother was part of a group of High Schoolers who played Dungeons and Dragons. They often played at our house in the basement. I would sit and watch them, and they eventually invited me to play, much to my brother’s dismay.

These older guys made me feel welcome. At that time, D&D was not a popular game. It was the kind of thing people got bullied for playing. But these guys accepted me, truly.

After a few months, I went and bought the basic boxed set with my allowance. (The Red Box Set). The game was amazing because it opened up opportunities to try things without being ridiculed. As an autistic person, the fear of making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing can be paralyzing. We are always afraid that we will do the wrong thing. We fear being assaulted verbally or emotionally by others for mistakes.

No it is not an irrational fear. We get this fear because of experience. We have received criticism for everything, and nothing. Growing up, it felt that I could do no right. My family were always cautious abotu saying things near me, my school mates chastised me for playing wrong. My teachers, were nice, but were always correcting me for things I didn’t understand.

Anyways, Dungeons and Dragons allowed me to try things out in a game of imagination. If it was a mistake, the other players wouldn’t pick on me or tease me. I would find out the logical conclusion to my actions, and then we would move on. No problems.

I tried running games for Rick. He hated the game, and wanted nothing but to hurt people in the game. For those in the know, he would be called a MurderHobo. For those not, in the games of imagination, he would describe burning down orphanages, and stabbing people in the street. As an empathic person, this would horrify me. I would have actual nightmares after playing with him. So I stopped.

My younger brother and his friends were interested in playing, and that was great. I ran the games more than I played them. These guys wanted to help people in the game. They were people with a good moral compass. And so I played with them. Rick still hung out with me at school. He even convinced me to run a game for a few other people and him.

That was a mistake. We were making characters one time for the new game, and the three of them began discussing something. I did not understand what they were talking about, even though they did not hide it. Eventually, 10 minutes in, I realized they are talking about how to physically torture me. When I protested, they said it was a joke. I left. I never talked to them again.

So now I was just entering High School, and I had no friends of my own at school. My younger brother was in Junior High with his friends. I never felt so alone. I recognized a couple of people from my grade 1 year. I moved a lot when I was a kid, so was relieved to see them again. But when I tried to become friends with them, I was told by a teacher that I had scared them. I was to leave them alone.

So I had this game I could play after school, and that got me through Grade 10. No friends.

Grade 11 is when I met my first friends that I had not borrowed from my brothers. They invited me to watch Japanese cartoons at lunch, and I invited them to play Dungeons and Dragons. (Actually a version of the game I had made myself.) And most of these people I still consider friends, even though I don’t talk to them often. Some I only talk to every couple of years.

When I came across a Kickstarter 6 or 7 years ago called Critical Core, I had to invest. This was D&D written in a way to help Autistic kids learn to interact with others. I bought my set. Covid hit, and I honestly didn’t think I would every get it because of the issues caused by the pandemic. But they sent me a Digital copy, and then a physical copy.

Critical Core is what I needed when I was young. I urge you all to look it over. The people who designed this care. They get it. They understand how hard life can be for kids like me. And they want to make it better. No they did not sponsor this. I doubt they will ever find out I wrote this.

Now I am back, and as an adult at the job I have, D&D was my go to stress relief. Except this year, I have nobody to play with again. And so I write here. Schedules and life have fallen apart. Work feels more like work, and is a lot heavier. But no time to play.

It sucks.

No time to think.

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I have been witnessing somethings lately that make me reflect on some personal difficulties.

Time to think.

I have several students in my class that need time to think. If you ask them a direct question, they stop and they process before they can answer. If this was at my old school, I would attribute it to a language barrier. This may still be the case with these boys. However, knowing these students I don’t believe it is. Below are a couple examples, but there are several other examples I could use.

In one case, a girl was upset that the boy had fidgeted with something on her desk. She laid into him, first in English wanting to know why he had been touching her things. When he couldn’t answer, she switched languages to Chinese and demanded the same thing. The boy stayed quiet, but you could see the gears turning. I calmed the girl down, and let the boy have time to think. He was able to respond to her and apologize. He could even and explain. But he couldn’t do it when she was so upset. Her anger short circuited his speaking.

A teacher was upset about a different boy in another case. He did not wait for the instructions in a class. Instead, he ran off to play a game. Which made things harder for everyone else. The boy was trying to listen, but to do so, he was looking at the ground. He also wasn’t answering the questions. The teacher kept demanding that the boy look at him, so the boy would, but then he would look down. When the teacher finished talking it took the boy a good 30 seconds to a minute to respond. Which was too long for the teacher, who was expecting an answer right away. I stood nearby. To give the child a moment to think, I asked the teacher for information, as this was my student. When he was done, the boy had enough time to process and speak.

I am not stating that either of these boys are autistic. I am not capable of diagnosing them. I do have suspicions though due to many things I have seen. But I know that autistic people cannot listen well if we have to look someone in the eye. Looking into someone’s eyes is like staring into someone’s soul. And if that person is angry, its a scary place to look at. I also know that the emotions around an autistic person can overpower our ability to think well and respond. Despite people believing autistic people don’t feel emotions, we do. Some of us, feel them physically. This weight causes us to freeze up.

That’s called Selective Mutism.

The misconception with this term is the word Selective. This gives the impression that it is chosen by the autistic person. Often this is not a choice. The anxiety of a situation gets so bad that we can’t say much of anything at all. Some people with Selective Mutism, cannot talk when in unfamiliar places or near strangers. But at home with family they talk just fine.

I had a situation last week. There was a child I was worried about. On Friday, I had checked my schedule and asked the parent to come talk on the following Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday were going to be busy days. I had an observation scheduled for Monday. I would be emotionally ready and prepared by Wednesday. On Monday my administrator came in, there was a problem, but no specifics. Then my principal came in to see if I had time, again no specifics. Early afternoon, My Vice Principal asked someone to cover my recess duty work, so I would have time.

I went into the meeting. The father I had a scheduled meeting with for Wednesday had a complaint that needed immediate attention. My admin wanted to brief me on the situation. Immediately after that meeting, the same vice principal came in to do my class observation. I was not my best and felt I was all over the place.

After school, the parent arrives, and we have the meeting. He is very upset, about the situation. I had not yet had time to process, and all I could do was try to make notes. I could not respond well, if at all to the situation. Near the end of the meeting, I said something that should have been said at the beginning of the meeting.

The father left, happy that his situation was being dealt with. I left, still unsure of what was happening.

You see, even though I had been warned of the meeting 2 hours before. I had two classes. During that time, I was either being observed or handling large groups of children effectively. I had not had even 5 minutes to myself. I agreed to things, but still don’t know what they are.

If we had kept the Wednesday meeting I would have been more effective.

When someone tells you that they don’t even have time to think, it sounds like just an idiom. To autistic people it may be the literal truth. We need time to process. don’t expect an honest response if you don’t let us. And if we don’t respond right away, give us more time. We just want to give the best answer possible. And if emotions are involved, it takes double or triple time for us to respond.

My mind tries to process the emotions, and the words separate. Which is spoken because of the emotion? Which is perspective? Which is factual truth? Which is the question actually being asked? Is there a question being asked? Do they want me to answer? How can I answer in a way that will not cause more emotion? Can I answer honestly? Do they want an honest response? Will I keep my job by answering this question? Will I cause more problems by answering this question? How can I ? These questions and more need to be sorted out before I can begin to respond. And if I have not sorted out the purpose for the question or meeting, that takes priority.