mental health

Brain Fog

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On Monday I came home, curled up on my sofa in a blanket and turned a religious documentary on. Then I closed my eyes and just lay there. I use the show as a type of white noise to lull me to sleep. Regular white noise gives me headaches. However, if I can have a single human voice to listen to, I can begin to relax.

When I have Brain Fog, its like standing in an actual fog. I know the world is out there, but I cannot connect with it. I feel like my mind is pushing through taffy, and the more I push the more difficult it becomes. So I need to find ways to just shut down for a while. I can’t talk much, but I can listen. Its best if It is a single human voice to listen to. I often choose documentaries. Their voices are calm and soothing.

I have been asked by a couple of people about this lately, which sparked the topic. My daughter, who is very good about asking if I have the energy to play with her each day. If I need to say no, she plays in her bedroom. If I say yes, she brings her toys out to me and we play. She was asking about my blanket and my show on Monday.

I tried my best to explain. But I am sure I was not clear. I was groggy, and trying to make it simple for her to understand. I told her something about when I have had a lot of people needing me. They are either trying to get my attention or just being too overwhelming around me all day. I need the rest.

I have my rocking chair, But don’t get to use it much this semester. I have been finding myself trying to make time to sit in it. This has led to a lower productivity. I have more work right now, and less time. I have more classes. I have more events to get ready for. I also have more homework to check. There is more classroom designing to do. It seems there is more of everything.

I get so lost that I sometimes forget to turn on my music with my headphones. I will just sit there with the noise canceling headphones on, and stare at my workload for 5~20 minutes.

My other place I have discussed it is on Reddit. I joined the autistic community there. I have been giving advice to autists who are 1/2 my age or less. I also offer emotional support to this group. And one was asking everyone how they deal with brain fog. So I explained. I think it would be better with a weighted blanket, but I don’t have one right now.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been only slightly better than Monday.

Special

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Your not dumb, your just special.

Well aren’t you just special.

Your so special they have Olympics for people like you.

Special kids can’t play with us ordinary kids.

The word special was used to replace the word retarded. Case by case. when people call someone special, they don’t mean it in a good way. Special gets ingrained in our minds along with the many other words people use to describe us. lazy, dumb, slow, stupid, retarded, a monster. Autistic kids grow up hearing these things all the time. and we start to believe them.

Which is ironic, because when I was a young person I started off believing that Special was something you loved more. I had a special bear named Trevor. I had special games I loved to play. I had special books I kept in a special place.

But then you get the school. and for the next 12 years Special sucks.

I wish it ended there, but adult life can be just as hard.

I know I have a hard time communicating some things to people. Heck, certain topics that are normal for some people give me a panic attack to bring up.

How are you? Does this person want a real answer or just an acknowledgment of my existence?

What’s wrong? Where do I start? This could be a 40 minute info dump.

But other things like just talking with a person who is over you in an organization can be hard. I really like my principal, he’s a great guy, and has been on my side since I got here. But, I still have a panic attack if he initiates conversations or asks to talk.

Because it is now ingrained into my head that I screwed up somehow, and need to be better. But no matter how I try, I can’t. Why? Because I’m Special.

I have been trying to help my students do better with their relationships. Teach them how to help be more empathic and welcoming. some are getting it, but others I just can’t connect with, and I SHOULD be able to. Other teachers can.

One of my kids as internalized lazy because other teachers and his parents have been calling him that for years. But I see his struggles. He needs help being redirected, and needs a distraction free area. But the real world doesn’t offer that, and most classrooms don’t either. Not without the label of Special.

Sorry, no focus on today’s article, just needed to type to stop crying.

Thank you all for reading.

Crushing Emotions

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Several times in the last 2 weeks, I have had the opportunity to explain how feelings around me affect me. Each time I have tried, though not successfully, to explain that the emotional baggage around me feels physical. This is not an easy thing for most people to understand. It is also one of the reasons I prefer not to be in large crowds.

Today’s discussion was with my students. We were having a good, detailed discussion on feelings, and what hurts us. One of my students wrote on their paper that they don’t like angry people near them. so we discussed it as a class. He told us his feelings, which I will not place here. But then I explained how I felt. Half the class seemed to empathize.

When people are angry, or fighting nearby, I feel it. My brain gets heavy, my whole body feels like it is being squished down. It’s like an invisible pressure is squeezing me. Depending on the amount of emotion the people nearby are showing, the more pressure I feel. If it’s bad enough, I have to leave, or I collapse into a rocking ball.

You can maybe guess why I don’t teach high-school.

I did not tell me students about the extreme end there, just the physical pressure.

On the flip side of this, the opposite is true, but to a lesser extent. If I am near people who are having a good time, or are in a good mood, I feel lighter.

The difficulty for me in these situations, is perception. I don’t always read people well. There have been times I felt crushed down. Where I felt the negativity, but the person I thought was upset was not. It did not change my reaction to it, however.

It can be exhausting. Add this to the many other difficulties I have, and I practically fall asleep from exhaustion when I get home. Today I zonked out 4 times while trying to help my daughter with her homework.

I am curious if anyone else has this difficulty. If so please let me know that I am not alone in this by leaving a comment.