mental health

Special

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Your not dumb, your just special.

Well aren’t you just special.

Your so special they have Olympics for people like you.

Special kids can’t play with us ordinary kids.

The word special was used to replace the word retarded. Case by case. when people call someone special, they don’t mean it in a good way. Special gets ingrained in our minds along with the many other words people use to describe us. lazy, dumb, slow, stupid, retarded, a monster. Autistic kids grow up hearing these things all the time. and we start to believe them.

Which is ironic, because when I was a young person I started off believing that Special was something you loved more. I had a special bear named Trevor. I had special games I loved to play. I had special books I kept in a special place.

But then you get the school. and for the next 12 years Special sucks.

I wish it ended there, but adult life can be just as hard.

I know I have a hard time communicating some things to people. Heck, certain topics that are normal for some people give me a panic attack to bring up.

How are you? Does this person want a real answer or just an acknowledgment of my existence?

What’s wrong? Where do I start? This could be a 40 minute info dump.

But other things like just talking with a person who is over you in an organization can be hard. I really like my principal, he’s a great guy, and has been on my side since I got here. But, I still have a panic attack if he initiates conversations or asks to talk.

Because it is now ingrained into my head that I screwed up somehow, and need to be better. But no matter how I try, I can’t. Why? Because I’m Special.

I have been trying to help my students do better with their relationships. Teach them how to help be more empathic and welcoming. some are getting it, but others I just can’t connect with, and I SHOULD be able to. Other teachers can.

One of my kids as internalized lazy because other teachers and his parents have been calling him that for years. But I see his struggles. He needs help being redirected, and needs a distraction free area. But the real world doesn’t offer that, and most classrooms don’t either. Not without the label of Special.

Sorry, no focus on today’s article, just needed to type to stop crying.

Thank you all for reading.

Crushing Emotions

Autism, Daily Life, Musings, Uncategorized, , , , One comment

Several times in the last 2 weeks, I have had the opportunity to explain how feelings around me affect me. Each time I have tried, though not successfully, to explain that the emotional baggage around me feels physical. This is not an easy thing for most people to understand. It is also one of the reasons I prefer not to be in large crowds.

Today’s discussion was with my students. We were having a good, detailed discussion on feelings, and what hurts us. One of my students wrote on their paper that they don’t like angry people near them. so we discussed it as a class. He told us his feelings, which I will not place here. But then I explained how I felt. Half the class seemed to empathize.

When people are angry, or fighting nearby, I feel it. My brain gets heavy, my whole body feels like it is being squished down. It’s like an invisible pressure is squeezing me. Depending on the amount of emotion the people nearby are showing, the more pressure I feel. If it’s bad enough, I have to leave, or I collapse into a rocking ball.

You can maybe guess why I don’t teach high-school.

I did not tell me students about the extreme end there, just the physical pressure.

On the flip side of this, the opposite is true, but to a lesser extent. If I am near people who are having a good time, or are in a good mood, I feel lighter.

The difficulty for me in these situations, is perception. I don’t always read people well. There have been times I felt crushed down. Where I felt the negativity, but the person I thought was upset was not. It did not change my reaction to it, however.

It can be exhausting. Add this to the many other difficulties I have, and I practically fall asleep from exhaustion when I get home. Today I zonked out 4 times while trying to help my daughter with her homework.

I am curious if anyone else has this difficulty. If so please let me know that I am not alone in this by leaving a comment.

Coloring: The Great Soother.

Autism, Daily Life, School, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , One comment

The act of coloring is one of my best tools. Each tool is used for different situations, and some can be hidden much easier than others. Tools can be used for focusing my attention, distracting me from over-stimulation, and calming my mind. Tools do not always work. There have been days that I used my tools, and were still overwhelmed.

Coloring is an amazing tool because I can do it under most circumstances. All I need is a piece of paper, and any writing implement. Ball point pens are the best.

Anyone who has seen my coloring, knows it is not for aesthetics. I draw a box or connect lines on a page of text, and then I divide that into triangles. Triangles are the best. Once I have a group of triangles on my page, even if it is just a small section, I start filling them in one by one. When I have run out of triangles, I add more.

One of my earliest memories is coloring. I was asked to draw something, I don’t know what, in kindergarten class. So I took the black crayon, and zoned out. My teacher cautiously shared my completely black piece of paper with my mother. I had wore that crayon completely out, and this apparently was not the right thing to do. Other children were mad at me for using it all. and the teacher just told them that maybe I just liked black.

I don’t. Black is ok, but my favorite colors are Navy Blue and Dark Forest Green.

Even now as an adult. There are meetings I get so lost in that I start filling my notepaper with black (or blue if that’s the pen I have) triangles. At the beginning of the year we had to present to the parents about our curriculum. I remember sitting down after I made my speech, and starting coloring. I filled that my speech paper, and just as I was finishing the last bits, my teammate passed me her paper to work on. She knew I needed it. She knew that if I didn’t, I would have to race out of that room. None of us wanted me to have a meltdown while parents where in the building.

I have mentioned I have some of the best teammates at work right now, haven’t I?

The thing is, Coloring ticks all the boxes. It moves my hand in just the right way that it registers as a type of stimming. But it is nearly invisible to those nearby. Coloring allows me to focus and create order out of what is around me. Triangles are the strongest of geometric shapes. These triangles allow me to focus on them, I can block out the other visual stimulus, and focus on the listening.

In many meetings, my only other option is to close my eyes to listen. Mostly frowned up, as the presenter thinks they put me to sleep. I know, and select few others do too, that If I try to follow what is being said, I will get lost because of lighting, or people nearby, or many other things. I just simply will not be able to follow what they are saying.

If the speaker has visuals, I can follow better, but still sometimes need my coloring.

This is an autistic solution to an AuDHD problem. You see, my lack of focus is mostly a problem due to ADHD, which many Autistics also have. Following conversations and fast speaking is very much an Autistic problem. This means that most meetings are extremely hard to follow for me. I have tried making notes to help, but the act of writing important things down, means I fall farther behind on understanding. I have tried recording meetings in the past, but this caused some at my old company to get very defensive and angry. So my best tool for the job is to color little triangles, and try to get what I can from the meeting, even if it is little to none.

My triangles help me beyond meetings though. Anytime I am feeling overwhelmed, and cannot get into a quiet place, or away from people I will sometimes revert to coloring my triangles.