mental health

Reflections…

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I have been looking back through some files laterly. Going over old blog posts that never got posted, or lesson plans I did 10 years ago that might be usable again. Part of this is to clear up some clutter. Part of this is to reorganize.

I don’t know about others, but organizing things helps me disconnect and relax. It doesn’t seem to matter if it is digital reorganizing, or physical. I never seem to be happy with an organization structure. It is never good enough, but always end up good enough. Does that make sense?

Like I am not happy with the organization, but I don’t have the ability to do more with it, so I have to abandon it until later when I will start fresh. This goes for My classroom, my shelves, my computer.

When I am overwhelmed, I start. Especially if I can’t get into one of my other tactics.

I love my new school. It’s not perfect, but its human. Of course I don’t mean literally, but due to its size, it doesn’t feel like a corporation disguised as an educational facility. I have a history with schools like that.

A lot has been occupying my mind lately, and part of it can be summed up with waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am making rookie mistakes, and am not organized enough in my class. (Thus the obsession wit htrying to find ways to do better). I want to be the fun teacher, that has all these cool projects and fun activities. But I get overwhelmed and lost trying to prepare them in advance.

Today I get so stimulated that I let my sound sensitivity get to me. I am teaching grade 2 this year, they will get loud, and I just couldn’t handle it for a bit. It hurt, and I raised my voice. Then I had a quiet talk apologizing to everyone.

I do that a lot. I apologize.
Should I ? I don’t know. With my students, they need to know, that I am sensitive to certain things, and it is not their fault. Adults, too.

There is a lot of talk about autism lately, and a lot of misinformation. (I’m looking at you , vaccines and Tylenol). There are groups of people in the world that think we should just disappear. There are groups of people out there who think we should just fit in. And there are groups of people out there who think we should just be proud of who we are, and screw the rest of the world.

I was always taught to show respect, and that if we do something that bothers others, to apologize for it. But the key word here is do. Some people want us to apologize for being.

There are people, several people, in my life that believe they understand what the autistic people are going through, or what we should be doing. People are showing me tiktocs of Autistic kids or Mom’s who have autistic kids, and asking my feeling on these. I feel like the whole genre of family tiktok/ Youtube should cease to exist. Don’t film your family for other people’s entertainment.

I have people in my life who want to tell me about every other autistic person they have met, and their difficulties. Not how they tried to help, or explain things to, or assist the autist. Just tell me about the mistakes, or social faux pas they make.

I have people in my life now that treat autistic children like they are broken, and get angry at them when they are needing a brain break, or need to just move, or do anything different.

I have someone in my life now that has made comments about me taking things literal, or not understanding jokes. I think he means well, and is just trying to communicate his concerns about communicating with me.

I don’t want to be the bad guy who has to sit down with all of these people and explain why this is exhausting to me, or hurtful, or that their efforts to help a child, could be doing the opposite.

I don’t think I have the energy for that.

But here’s the thing. All of the people I am ranting about have the best intentions. They are all trying to understand more in their own way. And Misinformation is everywhere.

I ran across this half finished blog article I wrote back in 2017. i will post it below for you. Please enjoy, or not. You can see maybe what my journey has been like for the last few years.

ADHD & Autistic Kids in the APS

ADHD & Autistic Kids in the APSEvery now and then I feel like I have to step up and say something about what I see happening, especially in our program. Last time I wrote one of these, it was taken as an attack on some of my team and I do not want this to come off sounding that way.

It seems to me that the culture in our program is still very confrontational. Teacher’s vs Parents, Teachers vs. Students. We have a few students in our program that do not fit the regular mold. They never will able to be exactly like everyone else, and there is nothing we can do about this.

As a teaching community, it is our responsibility to try to understand these students and find ways to encourage them to be better. Encourage is the operative word here. What we do is not encourage. What we are doing right now is the opposite. We criticize, and yell, and push and scream and hope that these children will change.

They wont.

Not that way. All we are doing is making them feel bad for existing.

Recently we had a girl who was diagnosed with clinical depression in the Bilingual department. She was unable to handle the stress that was heaped on her and decided it was best to kill herself. By constantly telling these kids that they are not good enough and never will be 3 years down the road what’s to keep them from doing the same?

These kids need patience, understanding, and sometimes, they need time in a quiet place to focus.

Right now as I try to teach my class to be more respectful and helpful, and to have more kindness; I feel that the rest of my team is undoing all that by teaching the class to ostracize the odd student. To let them know it’s ok to call him names and treat him as an outsider. Then they reinforce this by waiting for him to make a mistake so they can yell at him and mistreat him.

Of course he lashes out, and acts bad, we have him convinced that he is bad, so he acts that way. Any child that is constantly told that they are bad, and different, will act bad.

We have these kids in all of the classes now, and almost every class has made the conscious decision to
tell everyone that the child is bad. We should be focusing on what they can do well, so the child will want to do well. If we compliment them for good behavior and make them feel good about the things they do well, those kids will start to act better. They will stop acting up.

This is not a short-term solution. And if we try it for 1 week and get no response, then we should not give up and say “Well I tried, let’s go back to yelling.” It takes time to rebuild the child’s self confidence, and the child’s sense of worth. Especially the kids who are already different from everyone else.

If we want our kids to be inclusive, patient, and to be positive, we need to model this at all times.

We have to adapt to help our kids prepare for the future, and we have to do it quick.

There is a book I would like to have everyone read over the holiday, and find… (I never finished this, and don’t remember what book I was going to recommend.)

I have been trying to find ways to reach the different students for years. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. Sometimes I run across a new obsticle, and need to learn more.

I try to take as many PDs as I can to help me along with this. I cannot afford to get the degree in special education that I want. I am a father of a single income family. I have a son entering college.

Not that I am picking on my wife, I love her and if she is happy being at home, i want that for her.

But I do want to help these kids, and sometimes I work myself into a situation trying. I need to do better.

That’s been my mantra for 45 years. I need to do better. and I try.

ShenZhen

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It has now been one month since we moved to ShenZhen from Beijing.

For me, it has been a relaxing month. Yes, we are still unpacking and organizing the house. I expect this will take a long time, as we never fully unpacked over the 4 years we were in ShunYi district of Beijing. Yes, our bedrooms are smaller. Our living room is bigger, and we have a beautiful view.

ShenZhen is what’s considered a New city. it started growing out of a village in the 80s. So in a way, I am older than this city. There is a ton of nature here. Lots of parks, lots of trees, and grass. Even the overpasses here have flower gardens built into them. the flowers and bushes hang down from the overpasses.

The city is smaller than Beijing, which is great, as we can get around better here. We have not explored much of the city yet. We have learned about the different regions by friends, adverts and videos in the display panels of the elevator in the building we live in. My wife and I have had to run around the city a bit. So we do have a bit of an idea. We look forward to exploring more, but in our own time.

One of the things I like about the city is, and this may just be me, but Life here doesn’t feel rushed. Yes it is a city, and is aiming to become a global city, but the general feel of life is much more relaxed. While there was some places in Beijing that you could relax at, the overall feeling of the city was claustrophobic to me. Most parts of the city were densely packed, and the looming buildings could be overwhelming. Most people were nice, but the sheer number of people pressing against you could be overwhelming. In the streets here, I have breathing space.

As an Autistic living here in ShenZhen, so far, my mind is at ease. My family and I can be quite particular with food, there are restaurants with cuisine from around the world, helping us with that. My Smell sensitivity used to force me to use only the “Premier” cars in the ride-hailing app (DiDi), here even regular Taxis are scent free, and easy to breathe in. The ocean is nearby, If I want to walk there and just listen to the waves. We have this beautiful view of the city framed by mountains from our house. I sometimes just go out to the balcony and stare. So far, I have not felt overwhelmed by the population density, or crowds. The malls we have gone to so far have not been too loud, or too scented.

Life is good in ShenZhen.

The Healing School.

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Today was a busy day for me.

One of the things that happened today was the student council lunch. I have done my best to support our student council for the past 4 years. Today was their end of year lunch. One of my students who is in the council invited me to join the lunch. I have never been to one of their lunches before, and so was very honored.

I got to eat and mingle with the student council members. I was joined by Ms Albor, our Council head teacher and head of our school spirit. Ms Jessie, our Assistant principal of student well-being, and Mr Brown, our Principal, also participated.

The table I was sitting with, noticed my lanyard, and one of the girls asked about my autism. I told her a bit about how masking works. It makes it hard for me to eat certain foods. One of the foods that was on today’s special menu was chicken legs. I love chicken. Fried. I explained that I can’t eat the chicken they provided. It had sauce all over it, and I would get sticky fingers. I explained that sticky fingers is a sensation that I cannot handle well.

When she complimented me by saying I don’t act like the autistic people she had to research. I bit my tongue first. She is a student who is honestly trying to learn more. I did not tell her that the expression of not looking or acting autistic is hurtful. Instead, I told her that I spend a lot of my mental energy masking all day. I do this so I appear like everyone else. This was not the answer she was expecting, but was polite about it.

Mr Brown made an amazing speech about leadership. I was so happy to hear it, but to also see the children listening to it. You see my special requirements precluded my ability to be part of Student Council or other similar clubs and activities as a child. That’s one reason I support them every time I can.

All in all, I think I handled this well, and helped someone understand a part of my experience.

Today was also, the day that my school said farewell to leaving teachers. My good friend James (Mr. K) made a speech for me. It was heartfelt. He told me later about his thoughts of “Roasting” me. Every other speech maker had done this to their chosen leaving teacher. However, he decided against it. I’m glad he did.

But after I was expected to say something, and up in front of everyone, my mind went blank. I at first could only say something along the lines of “I have nothing.” Then I realized that it would be considered rude. I didn’t want to be seen as rude, not as I am leaving the school. So My mind scrambled for something to say, but I couldn’t think.

Eventually it settled upon how the past four years have had ups and downs. There have been mostly positives. I would miss everyone.

Like many things in my life: Hours later, when I can think straight, I know what should have been said.

BIBA has been a place of healing. I came in immediately from a school I had been at for a very long time. Near the end of my time there, someone had used the knowledge of my autism as a political weapon. When I arrived here, I had nightmares for months about this happening again.

BIBA, and Dennis, our empathetic leader, has helped me recover from that. You all helped me, whether you knew it or not, deal with almost losing my mother twice. Once from a near fatal car accident, in 2021. Once from cancer. In 2023, My mother was given 3 months to live. She is still fighting the good fight. This school was there to help me figure out my head when I lost aunts and uncles. You where hereto help me deal with many other family catastrophes in just 4 years. My team, James and Kai both helped me when I had shut downs, and meltdowns. When I finally felt I had to reveal my autism here, I was welcomed with open arms.

The Student Support Team welcomed my ideas for Pink Shirt day, and consulted me on ideas for well-being month.

I created a support group for Dads at BIBA, and found an emotional support group in my Trauma Bonded friends.

I met wonderful friends here. My Dungeons & Dragons Team: Including Jeff & Pablo from KG. Friends who have left, or are leaving for other pasture: David Boddington, Richard, Frank, Dr Raven, Mark Nicholson, David Richards, Mark Markham, James Helbringer, Ed,

So many of you made working here special. Was it easy? No. It was exhausting. I would come home from work almost daily and pass out on the sofa. Waking later to play with my daughter or help her with homework.

But it also re-sparked my desire to write, and to help.

We are told everywhere, that if a company says that they are like a family, to run. run away as fast as you can. We are told this is a sign of overworking, and under paying for the illusion of family.

However, despite what we are always told, BIBA became like family to me, and my actual family.

I will miss you all. We will miss you all. Including your insane desire for loud music and seizure inducing light shows.

Pictures supplied by Dr. K.C. Pang. The heart and Soul of BIBA.