This is a phrase I heard about online, and I thought it was silly. I saw Autistic Influencers talking about this. (Yes I just took a 2 minute break to remember the term Influencer). Then earlier this year, while talking about my family and some of the struggles we have had, someone said it.

I was talking about my children, specifically my daughter. About how the struggles I see her going through reminded me of some of the things I went through. I was talking to them about some of the struggles, that they did not see, and then the aftermath when we got home. I talked about my daughter melting down after school, when she got home and felt safe. About how she’s starting to feel the itchiness of her clothing fabric, and her blankets. About her smell sensitivity.

Then the words came through, “I believe everyone is a bit autistic.” It felt like being hit with a brick. I was sure the person who said it was trying to be reassuring, but it did not feel like it. I just stopped talking and looked at them, confused and lost. “It’s a spectrum, right? so everyone is on that spectrum.”

My heart sank. I did not know how to explain this to them, and probably could not even now. Not face to face.

The Autistic spectrum, is not the same type of thing as the LGBTQ+ rainbow. The Sexual preference rainbow does include hetrosexuality (I believe, let me know if I am wrong). All types of love between consenting adults, or no physical love, fit on their rainbow. it is designed to include everyone in an all encompassing beautiful spectrum of color.

The Autistic spectrum is not referencing a rainbow in the same way. The Autistic Spectrum references the millions of light-waves that make it up. Some struggles are easy to see, like Red, Orange and Yellow. Some of our difficulties are not easy to see like Ultraviolet, and infrared. They are part of the light spectrum, but are not visible to the naked eye. Some of our struggles are so hidden, like x-rays, that you only know they are there by their effect on other parts of our life.

To say that everyone is a little autistic, is to tell an autistic person that their struggles are so minor, that everyone has them. Some of us cannot talk, or can only talk in very specific situations. But hey, that’s OK because cousin Bob can’t speak in Germany, he doesn’t speak German. Not the same.

Some of us cannot identify faces unless we are extremely familiar with them. I am like this. But that’s ok, Your sister Jane only remembers actors by their most famous character. It’s not the same.

Some of us cannot go outside because of light sensitivity or sound sensitivity, or smell sensitivity. My own mother passes out if she is near certain colognes or perfumes due to her sensitivity. I get massive headaches from flower scents, and perfumes. But it’s the same as your neighbor Jack who just doesn’t like modern music, right? No.

There is a lot of struggles we have that, believe it or not, we fight hard to keep to ourselves. Many of us older generation, have been taught from childhood, that inconveniencing others is the biggest sin. So we have it ingrained into our very psyche to keep these hidden. It is terrifying for many of us to let people see what we experience.

I am glad that I did not fly off the deep end, as my mother would say. The person who told me that they believed this then opened up about how their children, while not autistic, do have developmental difficulties. I guess, as parents, you always wish for your children to have as easy a life as you can. And if you are trying to normalize developmental difficulties to help your child not feel like an outsider, I applaud you. I, too, am trying to normalize this for the sake of my children.

While I want my children to understand that many people will not experience the things they do. We cannot judge their difficulties, or actions. While, yes, everyone has difficulties, they are different. Not all of them fall on the spectrum. Not all of them fall on the rainbow. And for some, these difficulties may seem insurmountable. The best we can do, is try. Be there for people, and let our close friends and family know what struggles we have.

I have spent many years hiding this aspect of myself. It has only been the last 2 years I have started to open up about Autism. I tried to talk to a very good friend about it 10 years ago, and was met with the comments about not appearing autistic, and how I must be “High functioning.” It did hurt to hear this, and it made it impossible to tell anyone again for years.

The next time I brought it up, was to correct misinformation in a topic we were teaching at that school. My coworker then used the information to convince my department head that I was unsuitable for being Head Teacher, and I was replaced. I had been doing the job well for years at that point, but it made no difference. That man then spent two years purposefully making life difficult for me. I had nightmares about him for 2 years after I left that school.

So when I say it is ingrained in us to hide, these are the reasons why. We are shown that it is a weakness, and that it will be either ignored, or used as a weapon against us. It is really hard to unlearn that. But If I want my children to live in a world that is better, I have to reveal. I have to reveal why things like “Everyone is autistic” hurts. Why our micro-stimming or odd ticks help us and should not be used against us. I have to lead by example.

And that is the most horrifying thing in the darkest areas of my brain. Letting it all out, for the world to see. I am not ready to share my nightmares, even if I must eventually.