depression

Long Time…

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It has been nearly 2 months since I was able to write anything. I have gone back and read my work, and edited it, don’t get me wrong about that. But I have not been able to focus well enough to create in a while. I miss it.

Part of my difficulty has been low level depression. When I am overwhelmed, and near shut down for long enough, depression kicks in. I have had to deal with this before. I am not alone in the autistic community facing it.

I get rest each day. That resets me to just above shut down. Then I work my way through the day. Sometimes when I get home, I cannot function. I need rest, but my over-whelming sense of responsibility keep me from doing so.

My family needs me to work for our survival. The kids I care for at work need me.

I need rest.

Today as I was walking with my family, my mind began wandering. I remembered a situation from about a decade ago. I had a co-worker who was a friend of my wife’s. Her child was in my class. In general he was a good kid.

My family had gone to a swimming pool and My wife’s friend and her son had been invited along. I think there were other friends invited too, I’m not sure.

A long time ago I mentioned my sensitivity with my face. But to reiterate: I cannot stand water splashing on my face or wind blowing on my face. Wind is not as bad as water, but both cause a panic attack on me. I can’t even face my shower. I have to wash my face with a wet cloth.

Anyways, while swimming, the boy began playfully splashing at me. I asked him to stop. That seemed to encourage him, and he splashed me more. I gave him a big splash and dove under the water to swim away. As soon as I came up, he splashed me in my face again. I asked him to stop again and tried to get away, when he splashed my face again, and I called out (unfortunately loud enough for the entire swimming pool to hear) “I SAID STOP!”

His mom came and took him, and the following year they moved him out of our school. I hope that this had nothing to do with me calling him out like that. But I was at my wits end. An 8 year old boy had nearly incited a meltdown from a 40 year old man.

I sometimes wonder why people do that. When asked to stop something, they push harder. I understand he was a child, but I find adults do similar things. Sometimes, it’s easier to avoid people. Trying to talk to them can be exhausting. Often times, I don’t even have the energy for the initial request to stop. It’s just easier to hide.

Years ago, the school I was at brought a psychiatrist to the school to talk about Mental health. I admitted publicly that I was tired. I was responsible for so many things. These included finances, the well-being of my wife and children, and caring for my in-laws at the time. I didn’t want to insinuate that I wanted help. I just wanted someone to know that it was exhausting. The psychiatrist took it to mean that I wished that the others would go out and earn a living. I did not want that. I knew the situations made it impossible. I understood why it had to be me at the time. So, I felt again misunderstood and looked over.

I have been feeling like in my exhaustion, I am making a lot of stupid mistakes lately. Like above, I am not able to communicate my concerns and feelings well and others are misunderstanding them. This makes me feel worse and deepens the depression.

Sorry. I am not making a clear focused article today. I just need to rest and clear my mind.

Hopefully I will be able to think straight again before another 2 months pass.

Overstimulated -not a good thing.

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When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.

Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.

Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.

Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?

I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.

Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.

I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.

This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.

I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.

I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….

Next unit will be better. Fairy Tales.