Autism

Autism Month and Me

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I know I missed posting on Autism Day. I have been overwhelmed a lot lately. A lot is happening, and some of it is happening too fast. This causes problems with routines, and overthinking.

April is Autism Month. I am glad we have a whole month, and am hoping the world keeps it going for the future, but the world in 2025 is a scary place. I am desperately avoiding News, but that is not always possible.

April 2nd used to be called “Autism Awareness Day”, and then for a while it was called “Autism Acceptance Day.” Now is it just “Autism Day”.

“Why the changes?” you say. Years ago, an organization was founded and brought awareness of autism to the majority of the world. I will not name the organization for now, but if you look up the puzzle piece you will easily find it. There were no Autistic people involved in the organization, but they did what they could to try to understand autism, and bring awareness to people. They were directly involved in creating “Autism Awareness Day” and encouraged people to wear Blue shirts on that day.

The world has since changed. That organization is still around, but had been focusing on ways to “cure” autism. because they feel that it, and us in return, are a disease. as expected this has created a huge rift. Remember there were no actually autistic people on the board of the organization. But we don’t want to lose a day that the world recognizes us and tries to understand us. So many of us pushed for the new name of “Autism Acceptance Day.”

The world keeps changing, and we all are learning more about what it means to be autistic, and what autism entails. I myself was diagnosed as HSP (Hyper Sensitive Person) and autistic as a child. But nobody could tell me what that meant. The only child therapist in town told my mother that I would be smart, but slow. (Both stereotypes of the time).

I never knew why I had to see councilors in school on a regular basis. I was 30 years old when I finally started to piece things together. Because nobody in my life knew what it meant. And then It took me a decade to figure out how to work around the difficulties I was having. A process I am still figuring out, mostly on my own.

We are now at the spot where, Awareness is there. Everyone knows autism exists. But there is a huge amount of misinformation out there. Acceptance is slowly happening, but the world doesn’t like that word, “acceptance.” It is now viewed as “putting up with,” which is not the same.

So we don’t want the world to put up with us. We want the world to acknowledge that we exist, and, like other groups in the world, help us to be productive members of society. Stop gate-keeping things.

One of the problems with Autism though is that it is a spectrum. Every Autist (Autistic person) has special needs, and requires different help. Some of us need a lot of support, and some of us only need that support sometimes.

“But Chad,” you say again, “What support do you need? You are always so grounded.” Ok, you might not say this if you know me…. but I felt I should help you understand myself and some of the things I need support with.

Time to think. Every time someone comes to me out of the blue and asks “Do you need help?” I am thrown off guard. I cannot process this and whatever is happening around me so I will 99% of the time say “No.” its fast, it clears up my mind and I can continue to try and process what is happening around me. EVEN IF I NEED HELP I cannot name what I need without time to stop everything I am doing and think it out.

This also causes severe case of imposter syndrome, when my team is able to go much faster with their classes, and I am still planning out my classes and organizations.

Routines: I love the school I am at, but I hate the 6 days rotating cycle system. I cannot get into routines. I am never sure where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing, and how much time I have to do it in. I have monthly cycles, and weekly cycles I down pat, mostly. But planning around yet another cycle requires paperwork, and lots of it. But then I spend more time planning what I am supposed to be doing, and not having the time to actually do it.

When routines change last minute. (Oh we don’t have music class today, we have a last minute assembly) I get lost, confused and panicky. I need information about changes as early as possible.

Time: Being late makes me panic. I can mostly fix this with timed alarms on my phone. I always warn myself 5 minutes before something should start or end, otherwise I will be late, and then My brain goes into panic. My wife and I differ on this. She is eternally running late, and I am panicking because of this.

Organization: My wife is my life saver. I do not know where things are, in my home. I might use something 100 times a week, but ask me to find it in a supermarket and I am lost. All Ketchup bottles look the same to me, for example. If I go to the supply room for something, I will not find it unless I go around the room 5 times, even if I got it from there the day before. And the more on my mind, the worse this gets.

I often need help organizing my classroom and workspace. But I need to be involved so I can make notes of where things are moved to.

Style: People always compliment me on my shirts, and the colors of my clothes. 100% my wife. When I started out as a young adult, I wore silk screened Hawaiian shirts (Mostly with Superheroes on them) and Cargo shorts everywhere I went. I also wore a black fedora. I am not saying I would wear that specific style now, but I would literally grab the first thing from my closet and put it on. I do not understand fashion. Why people wear certain clothing together or which accessories with what completely eludes my mind.

Voices: I can handle 2 or 3 people talking at once, but no more. I have had days where I had to sit, and close my eyes for a moment, so I could focus on 1 person talking to me out of a room full of people. In a class I depend heavily on the children to help me by raising their hands. I cannot differentiate voices, so I don’t know who is talking to me unless there is a visual cue. Voice styles (Accents and things) I do recognize, but often there is not enough variance in a class of 20 children to use this to identify everyone.

Noise: Too much noise makes it impossible for me to think. If there is a class happening in my room, I cannot mark papers or do anything that requires thought. I need to put my headphones on, and block out sound. But When I put on my Headphones, everyone wants to talk to me!

Food: If I could get our cafeteria to always have penne bolognese and green salad, I would be forever grateful. But it doesn’t work. here is a list of things I cannot eat in public because of many different reasons.

  • noodles. (not Pasta, but long noodles)
  • wet meat with bones (ribs, or in soups and stews, fish)
  • foods with sauce I have to touch with my fingers.
  • mashed stuff
  • food that looks like body parts (I’m looking at you Eye-ball rambutans….)
  • Stinky food
  • Spicy food

I am considered a “Low support” autistic. Some of us suffer shut downs, melt downs and worse from the things I mentioned and more. But people, myself included, don’t always understand what is happening and treat it like a choice.

I think I may be off topic, let me realign.

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I believe I was trying to show how understanding that we need support, and just because you don’t notice it, does not mean that its not there. So this month, please just be kind to all, Autist or not. and if it looks like someone is struggling, jump in to help. If you ask, during chaos, be aware that we may need help and just cannot process what you are saying, let alone an answer. Give us a moment to answer, and please just care.

Happy Autism Month everyone.

Brain Fog

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On Monday I came home, curled up on my sofa in a blanket and turned a religious documentary on. Then I closed my eyes and just lay there. I use the show as a type of white noise to lull me to sleep. Regular white noise gives me headaches. However, if I can have a single human voice to listen to, I can begin to relax.

When I have Brain Fog, its like standing in an actual fog. I know the world is out there, but I cannot connect with it. I feel like my mind is pushing through taffy, and the more I push the more difficult it becomes. So I need to find ways to just shut down for a while. I can’t talk much, but I can listen. Its best if It is a single human voice to listen to. I often choose documentaries. Their voices are calm and soothing.

I have been asked by a couple of people about this lately, which sparked the topic. My daughter, who is very good about asking if I have the energy to play with her each day. If I need to say no, she plays in her bedroom. If I say yes, she brings her toys out to me and we play. She was asking about my blanket and my show on Monday.

I tried my best to explain. But I am sure I was not clear. I was groggy, and trying to make it simple for her to understand. I told her something about when I have had a lot of people needing me. They are either trying to get my attention or just being too overwhelming around me all day. I need the rest.

I have my rocking chair, But don’t get to use it much this semester. I have been finding myself trying to make time to sit in it. This has led to a lower productivity. I have more work right now, and less time. I have more classes. I have more events to get ready for. I also have more homework to check. There is more classroom designing to do. It seems there is more of everything.

I get so lost that I sometimes forget to turn on my music with my headphones. I will just sit there with the noise canceling headphones on, and stare at my workload for 5~20 minutes.

My other place I have discussed it is on Reddit. I joined the autistic community there. I have been giving advice to autists who are 1/2 my age or less. I also offer emotional support to this group. And one was asking everyone how they deal with brain fog. So I explained. I think it would be better with a weighted blanket, but I don’t have one right now.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been only slightly better than Monday.

Why is “Everyone’s a little Autistic” so painful?

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This is a phrase I heard about online, and I thought it was silly. I saw Autistic Influencers talking about this. (Yes I just took a 2 minute break to remember the term Influencer). Then earlier this year, while talking about my family and some of the struggles we have had, someone said it.

I was talking about my children, specifically my daughter. About how the struggles I see her going through reminded me of some of the things I went through. I was talking to them about some of the struggles, that they did not see, and then the aftermath when we got home. I talked about my daughter melting down after school, when she got home and felt safe. About how she’s starting to feel the itchiness of her clothing fabric, and her blankets. About her smell sensitivity.

Then the words came through, “I believe everyone is a bit autistic.” It felt like being hit with a brick. I was sure the person who said it was trying to be reassuring, but it did not feel like it. I just stopped talking and looked at them, confused and lost. “It’s a spectrum, right? so everyone is on that spectrum.”

My heart sank. I did not know how to explain this to them, and probably could not even now. Not face to face.

The Autistic spectrum, is not the same type of thing as the LGBTQ+ rainbow. The Sexual preference rainbow does include hetrosexuality (I believe, let me know if I am wrong). All types of love between consenting adults, or no physical love, fit on their rainbow. it is designed to include everyone in an all encompassing beautiful spectrum of color.

The Autistic spectrum is not referencing a rainbow in the same way. The Autistic Spectrum references the millions of light-waves that make it up. Some struggles are easy to see, like Red, Orange and Yellow. Some of our difficulties are not easy to see like Ultraviolet, and infrared. They are part of the light spectrum, but are not visible to the naked eye. Some of our struggles are so hidden, like x-rays, that you only know they are there by their effect on other parts of our life.

To say that everyone is a little autistic, is to tell an autistic person that their struggles are so minor, that everyone has them. Some of us cannot talk, or can only talk in very specific situations. But hey, that’s OK because cousin Bob can’t speak in Germany, he doesn’t speak German. Not the same.

Some of us cannot identify faces unless we are extremely familiar with them. I am like this. But that’s ok, Your sister Jane only remembers actors by their most famous character. It’s not the same.

Some of us cannot go outside because of light sensitivity or sound sensitivity, or smell sensitivity. My own mother passes out if she is near certain colognes or perfumes due to her sensitivity. I get massive headaches from flower scents, and perfumes. But it’s the same as your neighbor Jack who just doesn’t like modern music, right? No.

There is a lot of struggles we have that, believe it or not, we fight hard to keep to ourselves. Many of us older generation, have been taught from childhood, that inconveniencing others is the biggest sin. So we have it ingrained into our very psyche to keep these hidden. It is terrifying for many of us to let people see what we experience.

I am glad that I did not fly off the deep end, as my mother would say. The person who told me that they believed this then opened up about how their children, while not autistic, do have developmental difficulties. I guess, as parents, you always wish for your children to have as easy a life as you can. And if you are trying to normalize developmental difficulties to help your child not feel like an outsider, I applaud you. I, too, am trying to normalize this for the sake of my children.

While I want my children to understand that many people will not experience the things they do. We cannot judge their difficulties, or actions. While, yes, everyone has difficulties, they are different. Not all of them fall on the spectrum. Not all of them fall on the rainbow. And for some, these difficulties may seem insurmountable. The best we can do, is try. Be there for people, and let our close friends and family know what struggles we have.

I have spent many years hiding this aspect of myself. It has only been the last 2 years I have started to open up about Autism. I tried to talk to a very good friend about it 10 years ago, and was met with the comments about not appearing autistic, and how I must be “High functioning.” It did hurt to hear this, and it made it impossible to tell anyone again for years.

The next time I brought it up, was to correct misinformation in a topic we were teaching at that school. My coworker then used the information to convince my department head that I was unsuitable for being Head Teacher, and I was replaced. I had been doing the job well for years at that point, but it made no difference. That man then spent two years purposefully making life difficult for me. I had nightmares about him for 2 years after I left that school.

So when I say it is ingrained in us to hide, these are the reasons why. We are shown that it is a weakness, and that it will be either ignored, or used as a weapon against us. It is really hard to unlearn that. But If I want my children to live in a world that is better, I have to reveal. I have to reveal why things like “Everyone is autistic” hurts. Why our micro-stimming or odd ticks help us and should not be used against us. I have to lead by example.

And that is the most horrifying thing in the darkest areas of my brain. Letting it all out, for the world to see. I am not ready to share my nightmares, even if I must eventually.