anxiety

What can I do?

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I can’t think.

Sometimes things become bigger than they should. I get into a spot where I am trying to process what is happening. I am trying to make sure I am making the right decisions for everyone, but I can’t think fast enough. Thing move faster than I can process.

Often at the end of the day, I am exhausted. After I drop the children off at the gate, I need time to reflect, or process. I know I have to write a notice home to parents. sometimes it is for the whole group. Sometimes is is individual parents, to praise or inform of difficulties their child has had. If it has been a difficult day, I cannot do this immediately. I need time to process. What did I do right, or wrong? What can I do better next time? Could I have done better? How? What do I need to do to help these kids?

One of the things I have to unlearn is that it is not always my fault. Growing up, All miscommunications where blamed on me. I was not clear enough. I didn’t say things fast enough. I wasn’t assertive enough. I was too blunt. My tone of voice was wrong. My face was wrong when I was talking.

Often, I have moments in the middle of the day, where what I planned is not working. I have to switch gears and try plan B to explain things. Then Plan C. When Plan H has failed, I am left lost. Sometimes well meaning people come up and ask me what they can do to help.

I am left at a loss usually when this happens. I cannot begin to think about how they can help. I am at a loss. I am still processing what went wrong in the first place. My prepared response is always. “I don’t know right now. Can I get back to you?”

If I get 2 or 3 people asking me back to back, like today. I just… I don’t know. I can’t even think yet..

I know then mean well. At least one does. I may have misread the other’s face. To me their face was saying “Why can’t you do this on your own?” Again, I may be misreading.

I have now taken an hour. let me start again.

Too many things.

When communication isn’t clear, I don’t just feel confused—I start blaming myself. Doubting myself. Spinning. Many autistic people prefer written communication—and I can see why. Emails can be great, because people take time to think about what they are writing. They look back over an email and edit for clarity. Instant Messaging can be terrifying and I still dislike it.

People text brief messages that are often misunderstood, and there is no review before sending them. Last night after work, I got a string of messages from my administrators. No context. No details. Just enough to make me feel like I’d done something horribly wrong.

I spent the whole night replaying the day—trying to figure out where I’d overstepped. I knew what I’d done, but not why it might be a problem.

In the morning, more messages: “Let’s meet.” No explanation.

I asked for clarification. Nothing.

You know how deer freeze in the headlights of an oncoming car? They aren’t being reckless—they’re overwhelmed. Their brains stall, trying to process what’s coming at them. That’s how I felt. Stuck. Not knowing what to think, say, or do.

The meeting was more positive than I had anticipated. But up to that point I was terrified. The team asked how they could help—but the truth is, as I’m still processing, I have no idea what I need. That is something that needs to be planned. If you show up and ask me what I need help with in that moment, I’ll freeze up.

I have students who freeze up like I do, and I’m not always perfect at giving them the time they need. I also have students who try to take advantage of that lag, which helps no one. I want to give them the space I sometimes don’t know how to ask for myself. But like me, they don’t always know what they need in the moment. And like me, they’re still learning. We’re not being difficult—we’re just trying to keep up with a game that moves faster than we can think.

Silent but Violent.

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I recently had a conversation about therapy with a good friend. They discussed some of their experiences with it, and I told them that I wished I had been able to have more when I was younger.

I opened up about my memories of childhood, and being told somethings later. Please remember that my memories might not be accurate.

I remember taking speech therapy when I was young. I also remember being told that I didn’t talk until late (like 5 years old late). I remember having a really bad stutter for years. I was told that my mind moved too fast for my mouth to keep up. I was told to try to calm myself before speaking, otherwise I would trip over my words. I remember learning to calm my mind at an early age.

I don’t remember any therapy since.

The thing is I really could have benefited from it. Not just for speech, but for many other things. I opened up to my friend about having violent black outs when I was a young child. I was told multiple times I had nearly strangled my little brother when we were both in diapers. I was told about hitting a child in the head with my metal lunch box. I was told about many other times that I would just change and start hurting people.

I don’t remember these events. But I grew up afraid of myself. I grew up thinking I had a monster inside of me, and that I always had to stay calm and happy. If I didn’t it would get out and hurt people. I spent almost my entire elementary years alone. Partly because I was afraid I would hurt people, partly because I just didn’t know how to make friends.

I spent a lot of time doing quiet things like reading. I used to come home from school and lock myself away with my books. I used to write a lot of fiction. I lost most of those stories, but the ones I have rediscovered I am reworking now. I made my own language including alphabet, vocabulary and rudimentary grammar system. I imagined it was the language of my real world, because I obviously wasn’t from Earth.

The thing is, when you are quiet enough, and watch others enough, you learn. You can learn how to copy them. You can learn their subtle emotional cues. I often feel like I do understand other people’s emotions, but often they are emotions that the other people do not want public. So when I ask them, or try to show care, it scares them.

As I grew up, I learned how to calm myself, mostly. I also learned how to avoid stress. Remember these are self-taught and may not be best practice:

  • Avoid people: The unpredictability of people causes stress.
  • Don’t offer advice or information unless directly asked. People will try to prove you wrong, or will mock your advice.
  • Don’t stand out: Do what your there for, and move on.
  • Find a Safe Space: a quiet place to cry, punch walls, or curl up that nobody will disturb you. You need one for every place you go to. Please remember my generation was not allowed to wear headphones anywhere growing up. We really had nothing we could do to block out sounds, jeers or other sensations at school or in public places.
  • Stuffed Toys are amazing. Soft things help hide fears, and emotions.
  • Count & Breathe: I still use this one. I sit, or lean against something. Close my eyes, and count from one to 10 focusing on the numbers, and my breathing. If I get to 10, I count back down to 1. If I have completed up and down, and am still standing, I sit, and just focus on controlled breathing. I sometimes have to cover my ears at this point to give me reprieve and focus on the breathing.

I think My violent outbursts when I was young may have been caused by over stimulation. Too many things happening, and no way to stop it. so I would black out. (And my body would try to get away from the disturbance). But I honestly don’t know.

In my older years now, I am more in control of things, and have some tools in place to help. So I no longer have blackouts. I do still have times I cannot speak. These come rarely. I try to use my own experiences to help the children around me, but I find it harder to explain to other adults why the children may be acting up. Many of them just think the children are over reacting to things. I don’t wish to yell at them, so I will often just say I will talk with the child.

Children don’t learn in a vacuum. And they don’t suddenly stop feeling their emotions because it inconveniences others. It can be a hard, long process for them. Unfortunately as an educator, all I can do sometimes is sit with them, and try to let them know they are in a safe space.

No time to think.

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I have been witnessing somethings lately that make me reflect on some personal difficulties.

Time to think.

I have several students in my class that need time to think. If you ask them a direct question, they stop and they process before they can answer. If this was at my old school, I would attribute it to a language barrier. This may still be the case with these boys. However, knowing these students I don’t believe it is. Below are a couple examples, but there are several other examples I could use.

In one case, a girl was upset that the boy had fidgeted with something on her desk. She laid into him, first in English wanting to know why he had been touching her things. When he couldn’t answer, she switched languages to Chinese and demanded the same thing. The boy stayed quiet, but you could see the gears turning. I calmed the girl down, and let the boy have time to think. He was able to respond to her and apologize. He could even and explain. But he couldn’t do it when she was so upset. Her anger short circuited his speaking.

A teacher was upset about a different boy in another case. He did not wait for the instructions in a class. Instead, he ran off to play a game. Which made things harder for everyone else. The boy was trying to listen, but to do so, he was looking at the ground. He also wasn’t answering the questions. The teacher kept demanding that the boy look at him, so the boy would, but then he would look down. When the teacher finished talking it took the boy a good 30 seconds to a minute to respond. Which was too long for the teacher, who was expecting an answer right away. I stood nearby. To give the child a moment to think, I asked the teacher for information, as this was my student. When he was done, the boy had enough time to process and speak.

I am not stating that either of these boys are autistic. I am not capable of diagnosing them. I do have suspicions though due to many things I have seen. But I know that autistic people cannot listen well if we have to look someone in the eye. Looking into someone’s eyes is like staring into someone’s soul. And if that person is angry, its a scary place to look at. I also know that the emotions around an autistic person can overpower our ability to think well and respond. Despite people believing autistic people don’t feel emotions, we do. Some of us, feel them physically. This weight causes us to freeze up.

That’s called Selective Mutism.

The misconception with this term is the word Selective. This gives the impression that it is chosen by the autistic person. Often this is not a choice. The anxiety of a situation gets so bad that we can’t say much of anything at all. Some people with Selective Mutism, cannot talk when in unfamiliar places or near strangers. But at home with family they talk just fine.

I had a situation last week. There was a child I was worried about. On Friday, I had checked my schedule and asked the parent to come talk on the following Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday were going to be busy days. I had an observation scheduled for Monday. I would be emotionally ready and prepared by Wednesday. On Monday my administrator came in, there was a problem, but no specifics. Then my principal came in to see if I had time, again no specifics. Early afternoon, My Vice Principal asked someone to cover my recess duty work, so I would have time.

I went into the meeting. The father I had a scheduled meeting with for Wednesday had a complaint that needed immediate attention. My admin wanted to brief me on the situation. Immediately after that meeting, the same vice principal came in to do my class observation. I was not my best and felt I was all over the place.

After school, the parent arrives, and we have the meeting. He is very upset, about the situation. I had not yet had time to process, and all I could do was try to make notes. I could not respond well, if at all to the situation. Near the end of the meeting, I said something that should have been said at the beginning of the meeting.

The father left, happy that his situation was being dealt with. I left, still unsure of what was happening.

You see, even though I had been warned of the meeting 2 hours before. I had two classes. During that time, I was either being observed or handling large groups of children effectively. I had not had even 5 minutes to myself. I agreed to things, but still don’t know what they are.

If we had kept the Wednesday meeting I would have been more effective.

When someone tells you that they don’t even have time to think, it sounds like just an idiom. To autistic people it may be the literal truth. We need time to process. don’t expect an honest response if you don’t let us. And if we don’t respond right away, give us more time. We just want to give the best answer possible. And if emotions are involved, it takes double or triple time for us to respond.

My mind tries to process the emotions, and the words separate. Which is spoken because of the emotion? Which is perspective? Which is factual truth? Which is the question actually being asked? Is there a question being asked? Do they want me to answer? How can I answer in a way that will not cause more emotion? Can I answer honestly? Do they want an honest response? Will I keep my job by answering this question? Will I cause more problems by answering this question? How can I ? These questions and more need to be sorted out before I can begin to respond. And if I have not sorted out the purpose for the question or meeting, that takes priority.