Self depreciation is part of the autistic package for many of us. Not all of us. From a young age we figure out that many of the problems we face are because of our communication difficulty. Sometimes it is our difference in thinking instead. But whatever difficulty we have, it’s our fault. Part of trying to fit into a neurotypical world.

As a teacher, I need to communicate well. However I cannot always do this. The paradox of my life. I need to calmly express ideas and methods to my students. My coworkers do this with ease. I watch them, and I feel I SHOULD be able to do these things. When a student has difficulty, I feel I SHOULD be able to identify the problem, and help them solve it. I hate that I cannot. I feel like the other teachers can quicker than I can.

I had a rough time today again. One of my students came up to me and showed me they had been paying attention. They asked me “How can I help?” They remembered the lesson we had about how sometimes people just cannot express what the problem is. They were a blessing.

In life, there are many things I should be able to do on my own. But I need help with. My wife is my rock. It is in my genetics to slip into depression when there are too many things I can’t do. Or if I cannot get them done fast enough. I easily slip into this anger that I need more time than others. It’s not fair, and it’s exhausting.

My good friend and principal reminded me that it’s ok during a talk today. To just take things as they come, and If I need to take a break, it’s ok. I have a support system with a select few teachers too. I am lucky that I have this support team.

Tonight during my men’s group meeting, mental health came up, and depression. I hope my experience with depression was able to help in the discussion. But I was reminded, that not everyone has the support that I get. The support I beat myself up for having, because in my mind I SHOULDN’T need. But I do, and I wish and pray that everyone out there has someone they can confide in. Someone they can ask for help from.

One thing I try my very best to do, is to be the person that others can come to if they need. Even my students. But I fear that I am not always successful in letting them know this.

I do check my comments here. So if anyone out there needs a friendly ear, or just help in general. I will do what I can to help. Nobody should need to fight depression alone.

I had a really rough afternoon today.
I am told constantly that when these things happen, I need to document it. Write down all of the details. Then I can analyze it for a pattern, and help the children involved better.

I understand their logic. If it was that simple I would have a lot more paperwork done. When events like today happen, It completely drains me. I have zero emotional energy. I go through depression, and questioning everything I did. But going back through it to analyze it, and write it down hurts. It hurts my brain and me. Putting myself back in the memory of it looking at the details makes me want to curl into a ball and cry, which I almost did today.

So, in order to help me, I began working on a novel I started in High-school again.

Yes that means I am working on 2 different novels at the same time. 1 is the sequel to “The Sisak Tower” the other is Moongate.

Moongate I started off as a fanfiction, and when I started to rewrite it, I began to completely change it. I am trying to put more of my experience as an autist into the main character.

I cannot explain much more.

but for you guys I am including (for a short-time only), the prologue below.