The Mountain

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Yesterday during my men’s group we discussed dangerous and scary situations we had found ourselves in. A few of the men in my group began talking about situations on mountains. This brought back a memory I have of mountains that I shared. And it made me think about other situations in my life.

I don’t know how old I was, but I was not old. We used to drive around and through the mountains of B.C. when I was young. From home to town, home to school, home to anywhere, you needed to go through the mountains. They were beautiful. I still love the mountains, but do not enjoy climbing them.

One day, while we were driving, my brothers and my father discovered a cave up one of the mountain sides next to the road. I don’t remember whose Idea it was, but it was decided to stop and check it out. I’m sure it wasn’t far up, but to me it seemed very high. This mountain was covered with shale, and rubble, so it was not easy for me to climb. I complained that I was scared of what might be in the mountains, and was having a hard time climbing.

Dad guided me to a tree and told me to hold it. Then he left me there to take my brothers up to the cave. I had visions of bears, or monsters or many other things in the caves hurting my family. I honestly thought they were not coming back for me. I started to cry and scream. It felt like an eternity for me to be holding tight to a tree on the side of the mountain thinking that I had either been abandoned, or lost my family to Bigfoot or a bear in the cave.

They came back, and scolded me for screaming. Apparently they had wanted to explore the cave more, but heard me screaming, so turned around to get me instead.

It’s hard to recover from that. I thought I would be alone forever (A constant anxiety growing up), I thought I had lost my family. I thought I had ruined everyone’s time and was a burden to everyone.

I always worried about being alone, and being a burden. From then on I tried to be there with my family, even if it was terrifying. Because being alone was worse.

I remember coming home many times from school and crying as I got home. Telling mom I was scared of being alone forever.

My wife sometimes teases me for being so stubborn about caring for my family, and making sure we are together as much as we can. I get it, but I still feel lost on the mountain sometimes, alone. But at least I can make sure my children don’t feel that way.

Celebration, Overwhelm – and a smirk.

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Last week was a lot, and this week has continued. Like many Autistics with HSP, I put others first. I am terrible at knowing my limits, and holding my boundaries.

Awareness

2 weeks ago, a teacher at my school shared with me the research his gifted students had been doing. It was all on an online platform. They had been researching autism, and were preparing a presentation about it. so I went on this platform and I wrote down some notes for the students. Just some observations based upon their writing. Some suggestions for terminology. things like this.

Many of the students were in my class over the last few years. So I was sure they would know who I was making the notes.

Last Wednesday was the day for their presentations.

I love that they had done the research. I love that they had visited a school for stage 3 autists in Beijing. and that they had observed with their own eyes. None of them interacted with the students at that school, but it was a step.

Due to time constraints, they had all 4 presentations at the same time. they put up 4 tables, not far from each other in our Highschool Library. I wanted to support them so much. But I couldn’t hear well. four different speeches at the same time. with videos and observable media.

At one point, I sat next to one computer and closed my eyes, to hear the video over the talking. It was near impossible.

In the end, I was at one group while the others packed up. This group was explaining to me, and our head of school. When they finished, the head of school asked them about meeting autistic people. I am standing beside him, my lanyard strap covered with pins that all say “Autistic”, “I am Autistic”, “Neurodivergent” etc. The students pointed to me.

He looked at me and asked if I had connection to Autism. I have worked closely with this man for 4 years, and I had to tell him that I was autistic. I had come out in front of the entire school earlier this year, but he was absent. He had a lot of questions, and that attention made me feel awkward.

Celebration

The very next day was my son’s Graduation. I was excited, and anxious, and so many different things. I love my Son. I am proud of my son, and all he has accomplished.

I forget, that my school never does anything small. The kids deserve an amazing celebration. And I guess Allistic people like disco lights and loud music, and red carpets. I could watch center stage, or I could watch the live broadcast (While inside the celebration). But If I tried to look anywhere but the exact center stage, I was blinded by a disco-laser-spotlight thing.

My son and his band performed some songs, amazingly. I couldn’t watch it. They were on a side stage. I recorded it, but if i looked up, I would get a laser in my face.

I love that the children had a big red carpet like moment. Their Big day. But after the family lunch, I had to go home and get away. It was too much. I actually shivered while sitting on the couch by myself for 2 hours.

Family time.

I made the mistake of taking my family to the Mall over this past long weekend. My youngest loves the mall. But long weekends are too busy. My oldest children escaped after lunch. They took a car home. It was too loud and too many people for them. I stayed with my wife and youngest. She had a great time.

I love spending time with my family. I always feel terrible if I need time to regulate, or recover from over stimulation.

These are the times I struggle the most. I want to show my family I love them. I want to do amazing things with them. I want to get out and make memories. I just cannot do it with too much noise, lights, or people.

And it compounds.

If any one of these things had happened in a week, I would be fine. But all three of them within only a day or so apart, it makes things so much harder. I had to spend Monday curled on the sofa for the most part.

Smirk.

I have been trying to use as much time as I can during my break times to relax and regulate. It is End of Year, and there is a lot of paperwork that needs to be filled out, including self-reflections. I have been staying afloat, barely.

Today was a very difficult day, but it ended with something that made me smile.

My friend, who works with the gifted students, came up to me. One of the girls in his class was a student of mine. She published a tiny book about moving to a new place, and it convinced me to publish my own book. Well she came up to him and had questions about why I was giving so much feedback on her writing. And he let her know that I was autistic, and he told me he could see her coming to realization. He could see her piecing our year in grade 3 back together with this new information. He said she was surprised, but happy to know.

It made me smile.

And then I came home and passed out on the sofa for 2 hours.

What can I do?

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I can’t think.

Sometimes things become bigger than they should. I get into a spot where I am trying to process what is happening. I am trying to make sure I am making the right decisions for everyone, but I can’t think fast enough. Thing move faster than I can process.

Often at the end of the day, I am exhausted. After I drop the children off at the gate, I need time to reflect, or process. I know I have to write a notice home to parents. sometimes it is for the whole group. Sometimes is is individual parents, to praise or inform of difficulties their child has had. If it has been a difficult day, I cannot do this immediately. I need time to process. What did I do right, or wrong? What can I do better next time? Could I have done better? How? What do I need to do to help these kids?

One of the things I have to unlearn is that it is not always my fault. Growing up, All miscommunications where blamed on me. I was not clear enough. I didn’t say things fast enough. I wasn’t assertive enough. I was too blunt. My tone of voice was wrong. My face was wrong when I was talking.

Often, I have moments in the middle of the day, where what I planned is not working. I have to switch gears and try plan B to explain things. Then Plan C. When Plan H has failed, I am left lost. Sometimes well meaning people come up and ask me what they can do to help.

I am left at a loss usually when this happens. I cannot begin to think about how they can help. I am at a loss. I am still processing what went wrong in the first place. My prepared response is always. “I don’t know right now. Can I get back to you?”

If I get 2 or 3 people asking me back to back, like today. I just… I don’t know. I can’t even think yet..

I know then mean well. At least one does. I may have misread the other’s face. To me their face was saying “Why can’t you do this on your own?” Again, I may be misreading.

I have now taken an hour. let me start again.

Too many things.

When communication isn’t clear, I don’t just feel confused—I start blaming myself. Doubting myself. Spinning. Many autistic people prefer written communication—and I can see why. Emails can be great, because people take time to think about what they are writing. They look back over an email and edit for clarity. Instant Messaging can be terrifying and I still dislike it.

People text brief messages that are often misunderstood, and there is no review before sending them. Last night after work, I got a string of messages from my administrators. No context. No details. Just enough to make me feel like I’d done something horribly wrong.

I spent the whole night replaying the day—trying to figure out where I’d overstepped. I knew what I’d done, but not why it might be a problem.

In the morning, more messages: “Let’s meet.” No explanation.

I asked for clarification. Nothing.

You know how deer freeze in the headlights of an oncoming car? They aren’t being reckless—they’re overwhelmed. Their brains stall, trying to process what’s coming at them. That’s how I felt. Stuck. Not knowing what to think, say, or do.

The meeting was more positive than I had anticipated. But up to that point I was terrified. The team asked how they could help—but the truth is, as I’m still processing, I have no idea what I need. That is something that needs to be planned. If you show up and ask me what I need help with in that moment, I’ll freeze up.

I have students who freeze up like I do, and I’m not always perfect at giving them the time they need. I also have students who try to take advantage of that lag, which helps no one. I want to give them the space I sometimes don’t know how to ask for myself. But like me, they don’t always know what they need in the moment. And like me, they’re still learning. We’re not being difficult—we’re just trying to keep up with a game that moves faster than we can think.