Have you (talking to my Autist Friends) ever get so focused on something your mask slips? It has happened several times for me, but I believe I just watched my youngest daughter go through it.

One of the things about masks is you spend a lot of time an energy trying to hide your sensitivities. If you are sensitive to sound, you spend a lot of time trying not to be. If you are touch sensitive, you try hard not to let the sensations bother you. And when you are young, you may not even know you are doing it.

My daughter has, in the past complained about different sensations. She will tell me or my wife, something is spicy, or something is scratchy, or something is too loud. Up until recently, my wife has responded with “No it’s not.” and that was the end of it. Sometimes it would end with my daughter in tears, sometimes she would just take that and leave. My response has always been one of empathy until the loud crying comes.

Once the crying comes I have to move her to her bedroom to cry it out. I can’t handle the noise like I used to. She walks with me. Then I will help her become more comfortable when she is coherent again. My wife has gotten much better at understanding these sensitivities, but she still has a way to go. and I recognize, that it is not easy for her either.

Anyways back to the story. My daughter and I where doing homework. She worked her way through the Math. Grade 1 Mental Math is more than she can usually get through on her own. She was getting a bit antsy. Then she started working on her Chinese Reading. She will be performing a story in a couple weeks, and needs to know her lines. So we asked her brother to help. My Mandarin is terrible.

She has been doing homework for about an hour now. So here she was focusing heavily on her reading with her brother, and she starts scratching. She looks a bit confused. “Daddy when I am reading Chinese My clothes feel scratchy.”

She was so drained, due to her homework she couldn’t keep her touch sensitivity in check. She finished the reading and then magically, her clothes stopped being itchy.

It was amusing to watch and know that feeling, but it’s not something she can understand yet.

This happens when an autist is tired, or worn out. We just can’t keep our mask up. This is why as we get older we “revert” back to more autistic traits being prominent. We just don’t have the energy anymore. Children get this way with homework, or other activities that drain energy.

In the case of my youngest, she does typically an easy homework when she gets home (Phonics in her case, and sometimes reading). Then after dinner the harder ones, like math and Chinese.

By The Way: I am not a big fan of multiple hour homework at Grade 1. I am not a fan (as a parent and a teacher) of ANY homework at Grade 1.

Self depreciation is part of the autistic package for many of us. Not all of us. From a young age we figure out that many of the problems we face are because of our communication difficulty. Sometimes it is our difference in thinking instead. But whatever difficulty we have, it’s our fault. Part of trying to fit into a neurotypical world.

As a teacher, I need to communicate well. However I cannot always do this. The paradox of my life. I need to calmly express ideas and methods to my students. My coworkers do this with ease. I watch them, and I feel I SHOULD be able to do these things. When a student has difficulty, I feel I SHOULD be able to identify the problem, and help them solve it. I hate that I cannot. I feel like the other teachers can quicker than I can.

I had a rough time today again. One of my students came up to me and showed me they had been paying attention. They asked me “How can I help?” They remembered the lesson we had about how sometimes people just cannot express what the problem is. They were a blessing.

In life, there are many things I should be able to do on my own. But I need help with. My wife is my rock. It is in my genetics to slip into depression when there are too many things I can’t do. Or if I cannot get them done fast enough. I easily slip into this anger that I need more time than others. It’s not fair, and it’s exhausting.

My good friend and principal reminded me that it’s ok during a talk today. To just take things as they come, and If I need to take a break, it’s ok. I have a support system with a select few teachers too. I am lucky that I have this support team.

Tonight during my men’s group meeting, mental health came up, and depression. I hope my experience with depression was able to help in the discussion. But I was reminded, that not everyone has the support that I get. The support I beat myself up for having, because in my mind I SHOULDN’T need. But I do, and I wish and pray that everyone out there has someone they can confide in. Someone they can ask for help from.

One thing I try my very best to do, is to be the person that others can come to if they need. Even my students. But I fear that I am not always successful in letting them know this.

I do check my comments here. So if anyone out there needs a friendly ear, or just help in general. I will do what I can to help. Nobody should need to fight depression alone.