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Brain Fog

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On Monday I came home, curled up on my sofa in a blanket and turned a religious documentary on. Then I closed my eyes and just lay there. I use the show as a type of white noise to lull me to sleep. Regular white noise gives me headaches. However, if I can have a single human voice to listen to, I can begin to relax.

When I have Brain Fog, its like standing in an actual fog. I know the world is out there, but I cannot connect with it. I feel like my mind is pushing through taffy, and the more I push the more difficult it becomes. So I need to find ways to just shut down for a while. I can’t talk much, but I can listen. Its best if It is a single human voice to listen to. I often choose documentaries. Their voices are calm and soothing.

I have been asked by a couple of people about this lately, which sparked the topic. My daughter, who is very good about asking if I have the energy to play with her each day. If I need to say no, she plays in her bedroom. If I say yes, she brings her toys out to me and we play. She was asking about my blanket and my show on Monday.

I tried my best to explain. But I am sure I was not clear. I was groggy, and trying to make it simple for her to understand. I told her something about when I have had a lot of people needing me. They are either trying to get my attention or just being too overwhelming around me all day. I need the rest.

I have my rocking chair, But don’t get to use it much this semester. I have been finding myself trying to make time to sit in it. This has led to a lower productivity. I have more work right now, and less time. I have more classes. I have more events to get ready for. I also have more homework to check. There is more classroom designing to do. It seems there is more of everything.

I get so lost that I sometimes forget to turn on my music with my headphones. I will just sit there with the noise canceling headphones on, and stare at my workload for 5~20 minutes.

My other place I have discussed it is on Reddit. I joined the autistic community there. I have been giving advice to autists who are 1/2 my age or less. I also offer emotional support to this group. And one was asking everyone how they deal with brain fog. So I explained. I think it would be better with a weighted blanket, but I don’t have one right now.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been only slightly better than Monday.

Touching Masks

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Have you (talking to my Autist Friends) ever get so focused on something your mask slips? It has happened several times for me, but I believe I just watched my youngest daughter go through it.

One of the things about masks is you spend a lot of time an energy trying to hide your sensitivities. If you are sensitive to sound, you spend a lot of time trying not to be. If you are touch sensitive, you try hard not to let the sensations bother you. And when you are young, you may not even know you are doing it.

My daughter has, in the past complained about different sensations. She will tell me or my wife, something is spicy, or something is scratchy, or something is too loud. Up until recently, my wife has responded with “No it’s not.” and that was the end of it. Sometimes it would end with my daughter in tears, sometimes she would just take that and leave. My response has always been one of empathy until the loud crying comes.

Once the crying comes I have to move her to her bedroom to cry it out. I can’t handle the noise like I used to. She walks with me. Then I will help her become more comfortable when she is coherent again. My wife has gotten much better at understanding these sensitivities, but she still has a way to go. and I recognize, that it is not easy for her either.

Anyways back to the story. My daughter and I where doing homework. She worked her way through the Math. Grade 1 Mental Math is more than she can usually get through on her own. She was getting a bit antsy. Then she started working on her Chinese Reading. She will be performing a story in a couple weeks, and needs to know her lines. So we asked her brother to help. My Mandarin is terrible.

She has been doing homework for about an hour now. So here she was focusing heavily on her reading with her brother, and she starts scratching. She looks a bit confused. “Daddy when I am reading Chinese My clothes feel scratchy.”

She was so drained, due to her homework she couldn’t keep her touch sensitivity in check. She finished the reading and then magically, her clothes stopped being itchy.

It was amusing to watch and know that feeling, but it’s not something she can understand yet.

This happens when an autist is tired, or worn out. We just can’t keep our mask up. This is why as we get older we “revert” back to more autistic traits being prominent. We just don’t have the energy anymore. Children get this way with homework, or other activities that drain energy.

In the case of my youngest, she does typically an easy homework when she gets home (Phonics in her case, and sometimes reading). Then after dinner the harder ones, like math and Chinese.

By The Way: I am not a big fan of multiple hour homework at Grade 1. I am not a fan (as a parent and a teacher) of ANY homework at Grade 1.

Special

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Your not dumb, your just special.

Well aren’t you just special.

Your so special they have Olympics for people like you.

Special kids can’t play with us ordinary kids.

The word special was used to replace the word retarded. Case by case. when people call someone special, they don’t mean it in a good way. Special gets ingrained in our minds along with the many other words people use to describe us. lazy, dumb, slow, stupid, retarded, a monster. Autistic kids grow up hearing these things all the time. and we start to believe them.

Which is ironic, because when I was a young person I started off believing that Special was something you loved more. I had a special bear named Trevor. I had special games I loved to play. I had special books I kept in a special place.

But then you get the school. and for the next 12 years Special sucks.

I wish it ended there, but adult life can be just as hard.

I know I have a hard time communicating some things to people. Heck, certain topics that are normal for some people give me a panic attack to bring up.

How are you? Does this person want a real answer or just an acknowledgment of my existence?

What’s wrong? Where do I start? This could be a 40 minute info dump.

But other things like just talking with a person who is over you in an organization can be hard. I really like my principal, he’s a great guy, and has been on my side since I got here. But, I still have a panic attack if he initiates conversations or asks to talk.

Because it is now ingrained into my head that I screwed up somehow, and need to be better. But no matter how I try, I can’t. Why? Because I’m Special.

I have been trying to help my students do better with their relationships. Teach them how to help be more empathic and welcoming. some are getting it, but others I just can’t connect with, and I SHOULD be able to. Other teachers can.

One of my kids as internalized lazy because other teachers and his parents have been calling him that for years. But I see his struggles. He needs help being redirected, and needs a distraction free area. But the real world doesn’t offer that, and most classrooms don’t either. Not without the label of Special.

Sorry, no focus on today’s article, just needed to type to stop crying.

Thank you all for reading.