School

Coloring: The Great Soother.

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The act of coloring is one of my best tools. Each tool is used for different situations, and some can be hidden much easier than others. Tools can be used for focusing my attention, distracting me from over-stimulation, and calming my mind. Tools do not always work. There have been days that I used my tools, and were still overwhelmed.

Coloring is an amazing tool because I can do it under most circumstances. All I need is a piece of paper, and any writing implement. Ball point pens are the best.

Anyone who has seen my coloring, knows it is not for aesthetics. I draw a box or connect lines on a page of text, and then I divide that into triangles. Triangles are the best. Once I have a group of triangles on my page, even if it is just a small section, I start filling them in one by one. When I have run out of triangles, I add more.

One of my earliest memories is coloring. I was asked to draw something, I don’t know what, in kindergarten class. So I took the black crayon, and zoned out. My teacher cautiously shared my completely black piece of paper with my mother. I had wore that crayon completely out, and this apparently was not the right thing to do. Other children were mad at me for using it all. and the teacher just told them that maybe I just liked black.

I don’t. Black is ok, but my favorite colors are Navy Blue and Dark Forest Green.

Even now as an adult. There are meetings I get so lost in that I start filling my notepaper with black (or blue if that’s the pen I have) triangles. At the beginning of the year we had to present to the parents about our curriculum. I remember sitting down after I made my speech, and starting coloring. I filled that my speech paper, and just as I was finishing the last bits, my teammate passed me her paper to work on. She knew I needed it. She knew that if I didn’t, I would have to race out of that room. None of us wanted me to have a meltdown while parents where in the building.

I have mentioned I have some of the best teammates at work right now, haven’t I?

The thing is, Coloring ticks all the boxes. It moves my hand in just the right way that it registers as a type of stimming. But it is nearly invisible to those nearby. Coloring allows me to focus and create order out of what is around me. Triangles are the strongest of geometric shapes. These triangles allow me to focus on them, I can block out the other visual stimulus, and focus on the listening.

In many meetings, my only other option is to close my eyes to listen. Mostly frowned up, as the presenter thinks they put me to sleep. I know, and select few others do too, that If I try to follow what is being said, I will get lost because of lighting, or people nearby, or many other things. I just simply will not be able to follow what they are saying.

If the speaker has visuals, I can follow better, but still sometimes need my coloring.

This is an autistic solution to an AuDHD problem. You see, my lack of focus is mostly a problem due to ADHD, which many Autistics also have. Following conversations and fast speaking is very much an Autistic problem. This means that most meetings are extremely hard to follow for me. I have tried making notes to help, but the act of writing important things down, means I fall farther behind on understanding. I have tried recording meetings in the past, but this caused some at my old company to get very defensive and angry. So my best tool for the job is to color little triangles, and try to get what I can from the meeting, even if it is little to none.

My triangles help me beyond meetings though. Anytime I am feeling overwhelmed, and cannot get into a quiet place, or away from people I will sometimes revert to coloring my triangles.

Overstimulated -not a good thing.

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When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.

Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.

Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.

Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?

I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.

Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.

I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.

This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.

I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.

I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….

Next unit will be better. Fairy Tales.

Updates on Life, the Universe & Everything.

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Life keeps us busy, but some things I am unable to write about. It’s strange, how every couple of months, I sit to write about my life and realize that almost everything that is on my mind is things I cannot talk about publicly.

There are so many things I wish I could get off my chest here, but if I did, other people I care about would be hurt. I have turned into a kind of counsellor, it seems.

Rocking Chair

I love my school, It’s a great place. That said this school year has been off. Unfortunately at this point, I am unable to discuss the causes of stress for everyone, because it may negatively affect people I care about, or myself if published.

I have a rocking chair in my classroom. I have it in a secluded section of the room. It has “Huggables” or stuffed animals next to it. Books, some of my D&D Stuff, and my dice tower.

My classroom is a designated safe space and I try my best to keep it that way. When a child is feeling overwhelmed (Or a teacher), they are free to move to the back chair, and hug a Huggable. The only 2 rules are: 1) one person on the chair at a time (Because I have had 4 kids try to force themselves on it), and 2) if someone is on the chair, leave them alone until they feel better. (Don’t go report to anyone that they are there or try to talk to them). The 2nd rule is because some children need the chair during class periods, and they went there to be away from distractions.

I have my D&D stuff there for me, but I have some students in my class who have become interested in the game and they are free to look through it. The books are the same, some of them are teaching material, some are novels and relax books.

After school, and during breaks I often have teachers from my team come and use the chair as well. They often need to offload what is bothering them, or the difficulties they are running across. It seems daily that I have teachers come crash on the chair. Children daily use the chair. and sometimes they want to talk about their difficulties. I am open to hearing them, but some ask to talk with the school counsellors. (So glad we have them, but I feel we need more than we have)

Men’s Group

I attend a Christian Men’s group every week. It was sold to me as a Bible study thing, but it seems more like a support group for men in my area. We look over a verse or two of the bible, and discuss how it may relate to our life.

Then we read passages together and discuss. I find it helpful.

This week our starting questions were:

  • Name a friend that you can call a true companion.
  • Who do you talk to when you need to process things?
  • What is one hard time that you experienced? How did you get through it?

Everyone talked about their wives for the first one. (Which is great to see)

For the second one, I admitted that I often need to internalize things and process them alone. If I do talk to someone about it, it is my wife. She knows all my secrets.

For the last one I passed, because right now I didn’t think I could explain. Some of the men talked about their experiences in the military, or life and death situations, and times they were worried for their families after losing their job in a foreign country.

The bible passage of the week was from Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

If you would like to comment on the posted questions or just reach out, I would love to hear from you.