As an autistic, I deeply want to be honest and factual about everything. I want to tell my students that their volume hurts my ears. I want to tell them that I have mini-panic attacks when things fall apart on me, or I cannot find things I just put down. I want to tell them that I need to fidget to think, and that I empathize with the children who need fidget devices, or need to self isolate. I want them to know I need these things, and more. But I can’t.

Every time I think about talking about this, I hear a good friend’s voice in my head reminding me, that the parents of my students are not going to be as open minded as their kids are. If the parents find out that I am neurodivergent, that could spell the end of me at this school, or in this country. And so I mask.

For those who don’t know, masking is where you try your best to act more “normal.” You do this by observing everyone around you, analyzing what they are doing, and possible reasons or motivations as to why, and you copy that behavior if you feel it would help hold up the disguise. If not, you spend time and energy trying to copy behavior you have seen or memorized that would be appropriate.

This can be exhausting as you can imagine, but despite this, it can also hinder sleep. Before I can lay down to sleep, I often run through my day, looking at what I did, and questioning if it was the right thing to do, or not. I need to think about what I should do better next time this comes up. I know I should, but I am also aware that if I ever come across these situations again, i will need to analyze it afterwards again anyways.

Today my principal came to see me, and he asked how I am doing. I thought about telling him about my aunt passing away last week, but I didn’t. I just told him some minor difficulty I am having with my class. I didn’t tell him because, last year I broke down and told him about my mom’s car crash, and subsequent cancer diagnosis. I don’t remember if I told him about my Uncle’s passing, or my other Aunt’s passing last year either. In the last few years I have lost several Aunts. I did talk to him about my brother’s mental health, my worries about my son, and several other things. I feel like If I told him about my aunt, passing or how my mom’s best friend is now terminally ill, it would just be another “bad thing happening to Chad”, and he might start to disbelieve me when I talk about how these things weigh on my mind.

He might think I am making this stuff up to get sympathy, or use it as an excuse for not working as well as I could be, SHOULD be. And if my principal thinks I shouldn’t be letting these things bother me, then I have to analyze why do I? I know I wouldn’t be able to stop them from bothering me, but then I know I would have to add THAT to my mask. I would have to find ways to make it look like they don’t bother me, just so the people around don’t notice me crumbling.

I mask around my principal, as I do with my coworkers. I do it with my students. and I really shouldn’t. If I could open up and let them see the craziness that is me, it could be a positive influence on everyone, especially on a couple of students in my class, who I see struggling with these same things. But I can’t.

I know I should, but I can’t. That fear is always there. That fear of being different, of being rejected, of being ostracized. Or worse the fear of the disbelievers. The “You don’t look/ act autistic.” or the “you can’t be autistic,” or the “You must be the high functioning type / You hide it well.” Do I? I can’t be hiding it well if people tell me that. and what does it mean to hide who you are? is that a positive? No.

After each class I teach, I sit in silence. I don’t even rock in the rocking chair anymore. It’s not private enough anymore. Last year I could get some quiet time in the chair, but this year it is not possible. So, I just hide behind my wall of homework, that never seems to get smaller. I stare into space, and I think to myself about mistakes I made. How I should have don’t things different. How I reacted instead of thinking things through. How I should have handled things differently. I try to hide it by turning on my headphones, then I have an excuse to be zoned out when people invariably come to ask something of me.

after each 45 minute lesson, I need about 20~30 minutes of absolute me time. If I get it I am able to function again, if not I am not at full capacity.

Days like today I don’t get the shut-down time. On days like today a couple of things could happen, and usually do:

• I lose control of the class, because I have a panic attack about something minor and react instead of think it through.
• I become short tempered, and get upset very easily. This causes me to lose control of my class.
• I force myself to become passive, which takes twice as long to accomplish things, but I have the focus of half the class.
• I have to close my eyes and focus on my breathing every 15 minutes of class time. If I can’t, you guessed it, I can’t think straight and I love control of the class.
• I get a splitting headache. It’s bad, like itchy brain, or brain on fire, bad. this makes my already slow brain move slower, and it makes me feel sluggish and exhausted.

The worst part about this, is that when I get home, I still need shut down time. In severe cases I have to go to bed, and take a nap for 2~3 hours. In less severe cases I need to do something that requires no effort. Watching Youtube for 2 hours, usually covers this, but if I get interrupted, I need to change the show. Somedays I don’t get this either.

I told myself I would not be responding to parental messages after 5:00. but then I have days like today where something happened at school and parents demand answers, and they need them yesterday. Then I am trying to appease, mask through my messages, and get the incident closed so I can shut-down for a while.

If I am watching a show on YouTube and need to pause it to help my daughter with something, or to answer a question. I lose focus in that show, and need another show or to start over. It can get frustrating. I find subtitles help me focus when there is a lot happening around me. as you may be aware, I have a hard time filtering sound. the TV is the same volume as my wife talking to the kids, as the washing machine. and it makes it impossible to watch, or focus on 1 thing. If I am alone, I can focus on one of my special interests to help relax, but that doesn’t ever happen until after 10:00 in my house.

So that leads me back to where I am now; I have a headache, I was not able to watch today, and needed to mend fences and fix things with parents and children. spending time just reviewing the day in my head before I head to bed.

exhausted.