It has been nearly 2 months since I was able to write anything. I have gone back and read my work, and edited it, don’t get me wrong about that. But I have not been able to focus well enough to create in a while. I miss it.

Part of my difficulty has been low level depression. When I am overwhelmed, and near shut down for long enough, depression kicks in. I have had to deal with this before. I am not alone in the autistic community facing it.

I get rest each day. That resets me to just above shut down. Then I work my way through the day. Sometimes when I get home, I cannot function. I need rest, but my over-whelming sense of responsibility keep me from doing so.

My family needs me to work for our survival. The kids I care for at work need me.

I need rest.

Today as I was walking with my family, my mind began wandering. I remembered a situation from about a decade ago. I had a co-worker who was a friend of my wife’s. Her child was in my class. In general he was a good kid.

My family had gone to a swimming pool and My wife’s friend and her son had been invited along. I think there were other friends invited too, I’m not sure.

A long time ago I mentioned my sensitivity with my face. But to reiterate: I cannot stand water splashing on my face or wind blowing on my face. Wind is not as bad as water, but both cause a panic attack on me. I can’t even face my shower. I have to wash my face with a wet cloth.

Anyways, while swimming, the boy began playfully splashing at me. I asked him to stop. That seemed to encourage him, and he splashed me more. I gave him a big splash and dove under the water to swim away. As soon as I came up, he splashed me in my face again. I asked him to stop again and tried to get away, when he splashed my face again, and I called out (unfortunately loud enough for the entire swimming pool to hear) “I SAID STOP!”

His mom came and took him, and the following year they moved him out of our school. I hope that this had nothing to do with me calling him out like that. But I was at my wits end. An 8 year old boy had nearly incited a meltdown from a 40 year old man.

I sometimes wonder why people do that. When asked to stop something, they push harder. I understand he was a child, but I find adults do similar things. Sometimes, it’s easier to avoid people. Trying to talk to them can be exhausting. Often times, I don’t even have the energy for the initial request to stop. It’s just easier to hide.

Years ago, the school I was at brought a psychiatrist to the school to talk about Mental health. I admitted publicly that I was tired. I was responsible for so many things. These included finances, the well-being of my wife and children, and caring for my in-laws at the time. I didn’t want to insinuate that I wanted help. I just wanted someone to know that it was exhausting. The psychiatrist took it to mean that I wished that the others would go out and earn a living. I did not want that. I knew the situations made it impossible. I understood why it had to be me at the time. So, I felt again misunderstood and looked over.

I have been feeling like in my exhaustion, I am making a lot of stupid mistakes lately. Like above, I am not able to communicate my concerns and feelings well and others are misunderstanding them. This makes me feel worse and deepens the depression.

Sorry. I am not making a clear focused article today. I just need to rest and clear my mind.

Hopefully I will be able to think straight again before another 2 months pass.