Month: January 2026

Lost in my own Mind

Autism, Daily Life, Musings, Uncategorized, , , Leave a comment

I have been stuck in my own mind lately. Too many things need to get back up and running, and I am falling behind because I get stuck.

In my Novel Gateways (Coming out Soon~ish). I had to write a chapter about my main character being stuck in her own mind during a shutdown. I am not happy with the way it turned out so far and I will be rewriting it soon. But it’s not an easy sensation to explain or show.

The stereotype, or trope is to have them floating in blackness and hear the voices of the outside world, maybe have them enter memories and interact with them. But that is not what it really feels like.

During a shutdown, my mind goes blank. I don’t see blackness, at least not anymore. I used to black out completely, but then my body would go into flight or flight mode. But I don’t do that anymore. I just shut down.

As an adult, my mind goes blank, mostly. I don’t see black, I don’t see anything really. I am aware of light, and can feel that things are happening around, but I am not truly aware of what. Sound exists, but not focus. There is no sense of me. I don’t see memories, or feel floaty. I don’t feel anything really. But just like my youth, my body may react while my mind is absent.

I may run, be violent, or just sit there, all depending on what is happening. I have not been violent in many years, and if I am, it iis always defensive, not aggressive. I think the last time I was violent, I was living in Korea. I apparently was hit in the face by someone during shutdown, and responded by knocking him flat. I have no memories of this, but a friend told me what they saw. I don’t even remember what shut me down that time.

The last time I ran away during a shut down, was in college I believe. I was stuck in my mind, and apparently there was a loud noise or someone yelling, and I ran smack into the closed fire exit. I woke on the floor next to the door.

Usually I just sit and stare at something. If it happens to be a person, or if a person sits where I am staring, it can cause some confusion, or even accusations. Nothing like rebooting and coming back into focus with someone screaming at you because you have been staring at them for the last 10 minutes.If they had moved, they would have realized it wasn’t them I was staring at, but anything in that direction….

During a shutdown I can sometimes direct my gaze in a direction. But sometimes I can’t as it comes on unexpectedly, or too fast.

This is not easy stuff to explain in a novel. But I will endeavor to do so.

As for me, I hav not completly shut down yet, but I have been close to it for a few weeks. I just need some time to over sleep, and do nothing to realign my brain to my new reality.

I am reminded of my old E-mail Signature from When Hotmail was independant of Microsoft. It went something like:

REALITY.SYS HAS FAILED-(R)EBOOT REALITY OR (E)XIT

I’m Not Ignoring You…

Daily Life, Family, , , Leave a comment

It has been hard to focus my thoughts in a way that I can write in the last 2 months. I am Sorry for the delay. I am not promising that I will be returning to my weekly writings, but I am trying. I really enjoyed sharing my thoughts and views here. I shall endeavor to continue. Today is not a thoughts and views kind of day though…

It’s a life update.

My wife and I have had two deaths in the family really close together, My father, her Uncle. She was unable to return for her Uncle’s funeral, My father’s “Celebration of Life” is this summer, and I am trying to be able to go.

Christmas was lovely with just my children and us here. we watched some movies, and played some games. But I have not been able to focus on my writing.

I made the New year’s resolution to finish both my novels this year. I know where I want to go with both of them, but just could not type.

I would sit at the keyboard and I could do anything else. I created a Gazateer for D&D based upon Final Fantasy. I rewrote rules to games. I translated rules to games. I edited cards for games. I had deep conversations with Chet & Gemini (My 2 main AI Assistants.) I stared blankly at Youtube and realized my Feed is now almost entirely family drama issues and Company drama stories read by AI.

Every time I tried to type I am reminded that the first person to buy a copy of my first book was my dad. And that I had promised him a sequel to read.

Once my Christmas break ended, I went back to work. (I only took 1 day off before the holiday) But I take longer to mark work or plan stuff, and I can tell it is not sustainable. I need to be better.

I ran a workshop for my co-workers on how to help a person who is having a meltdown or an autistic shutdown.

I will run more workshops for them on Neurodivergence.

I am taking workshops on how to do this better with a good friend as the leader.

I know I need to have myself checked for diabetes now, but I’m not ready.
It is on the list: need to check for diabetes, for cancer, for many other ailments that have taken family in the last decade from me. But my fear of doctors has become stronger lately. I just have not been able to make these appointments, and I am certain that these tests will not be covered by my insurance. (I could check, but that is a step I have been putting off as well.)

I know it is important. But I need to get through the brain fog first.

I don’t know when I will continue to write my novels. But I will try to be better at posting here. Writing, was something I loved so very much, and even this short post is makign my heart beat a million miles a second.

But baby steps. Baby steps.