Recently I had to explain how autistic people need downtime. Unfortunately it was not a positive experience, and I have been sitting here in my rocking chair processing it for 4 days.

We need time alone.

A lot of people don’t understand this. When I get home from work. I greet my wife, and check up on her before checking out.

I am so glad I decided to keep my rocking chair from my old classroom.

The thing is, positive or negative, dealing with people is exhausting. I may have had a very good day at work, with a lot of fun things happening. When I get home I need 1 or 2 hours to sit in silence to process.

Sometimes I have had a very bad or difficult day, i will then need 2 or 3 hours to sit and process, and I may not even get through it all. But at least after the three hours I will be able to function again.

I will sit in my rocking chair, and I will pick up a Sudoku book, and stare aimlessly at it for a period of time. Sometimes I may even do a puzzle. But not always. I may just turn on Youtube and have some music or a show that requires no watching (Audio dramas are good). to just have background noise. I could use my headphones to listen to music, but I don’t often, unless it has been a severely bad day and I need to comepletely disconnect from the world.

I cannot put ideas forth when I am in this point.. I cannot hold a conversation, as I cannot focus on what the others are saying. They will have to repeat things two or three times, as I cannot focus. I cannot write, because that requires focus and the ability to string words together.

It requires communication. Which is not possible during these times.

Once I have had my time, rocking away, I can function better. But it can be difficult to transition from one activity to another. So if I have been staring at my sudoku for 2 hours, and my daughter wants to pay, I have to ask her to wait 5 minutes so I can right my brain, and get out of my chair.

I can then do things like marking, messaging parents, or interacting with my family.

The thing is, this down time allows me to reset my brain. Without this time, I will get frustrated easily. I will yell. I will get angry all with little to no reason.

This down time is so important to us autistic people. I don’t understand how this is hard to understand.

I have been introduced to this idea recently that if you do not give an autistic child any downtime, or only 5 minute intervals of downtime at a time, this will force their brain to “Right itself” into normalcy.

What’s so great about normalcy?

First this idea will be exhausting.

Second this will lead to the child being more prone to shutdowns and meltdowns publicly. The child may begin to hate themself. We are often diagnosed with depression, and many of us grow up hating ourselves. Forcing us to have these meltdowns will make us hate ourselves more.

The autistic suicide rate is approximately between 3 to 8 times higher than the neurotypical (normal brained people) because of this. Autistic girls and women are typically in the higher end of this.

Masking, or pretending to be normal, causes this. It directly causes this. Autistic children and adults who constantly feel that they are not enough for their friends or family because they think differently, or act differently are the most affected.

So, what goes through our head when we are shut down? Nothing. We just sit in silence and our brain is blank.

What goes through our brains during down time? Everything. We replay everything from the day, from the last week, and from the entirety of our lives, trying to make connections to understand what happened. Why people reacted the way they did to things. Sometimes I don’t figure this out until litteral years after the incident in question.

How did I screw up today? What are the upcoming consequences I will have to deal with to fix it?

I understand people see us, and they panic. They don’t know what to do or say, or “How to Help.” If your loved one is autistic, first make sure you let them know that you love them. Tell them. They will not know unless you do. We are terrible at reading between the lines.

Second, Make sure you let them know that There is nothing wrong with them. You want to help them manage themselves, and progress to have a positive life.

I am not saying a Normal Life. Never demand that.

That is like going to a person who is right handed and telling them that they will be normal if they only use their left hand. Or telling your little girl she needs to act more like a boy to get through life. The brain is wired the way it is for a reason, and learning to live with that is a Lifelong Disability.

Help your loved one to live the best life they can, but don’t compare them to “Normal” people. Watch them, and help them develop their interests. Give them space when they need.

Thank you.