Yesterday during my men’s group we discussed dangerous and scary situations we had found ourselves in. A few of the men in my group began talking about situations on mountains. This brought back a memory I have of mountains that I shared. And it made me think about other situations in my life.

I don’t know how old I was, but I was not old. We used to drive around and through the mountains of B.C. when I was young. From home to town, home to school, home to anywhere, you needed to go through the mountains. They were beautiful. I still love the mountains, but do not enjoy climbing them.

One day, while we were driving, my brothers and my father discovered a cave up one of the mountain sides next to the road. I don’t remember whose Idea it was, but it was decided to stop and check it out. I’m sure it wasn’t far up, but to me it seemed very high. This mountain was covered with shale, and rubble, so it was not easy for me to climb. I complained that I was scared of what might be in the mountains, and was having a hard time climbing.

Dad guided me to a tree and told me to hold it. Then he left me there to take my brothers up to the cave. I had visions of bears, or monsters or many other things in the caves hurting my family. I honestly thought they were not coming back for me. I started to cry and scream. It felt like an eternity for me to be holding tight to a tree on the side of the mountain thinking that I had either been abandoned, or lost my family to Bigfoot or a bear in the cave.

They came back, and scolded me for screaming. Apparently they had wanted to explore the cave more, but heard me screaming, so turned around to get me instead.

It’s hard to recover from that. I thought I would be alone forever (A constant anxiety growing up), I thought I had lost my family. I thought I had ruined everyone’s time and was a burden to everyone.

I always worried about being alone, and being a burden. From then on I tried to be there with my family, even if it was terrifying. Because being alone was worse.

I remember coming home many times from school and crying as I got home. Telling mom I was scared of being alone forever.

My wife sometimes teases me for being so stubborn about caring for my family, and making sure we are together as much as we can. I get it, but I still feel lost on the mountain sometimes, alone. But at least I can make sure my children don’t feel that way.