Month: March 2025

Memoires – My First Time in Japan

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Every Monday I go to a Men’s group. This group meets for coffee, and we discuss life through the context of the Bible. I have shared a lot of stories about my life with these guys. One of them the other day recommended I start putting some of the stories of my life and adventures down.

Now, I have put several childhood experiences relating to Autism down here. I, however, realized I have not spent much time on my wanderings. So Here I go.

My first Trip to Japan.

I used to live in Korea. Several places in South Korea. In 2001, I was living in Pusan, the second biggest city. While there, I discovered there was a ferry from Pusan Harbor to Hakata, Japan. There were 2 options actually, the Hydrofoil took 3 hours, and the Cargo ship was an overnight experience. They were the same price. I decided I would go, by using the Hydrofoil.

I went on the internet and reserved a hotel. The Green Hotel, if I remember correctly. and I pulled money from the ATM near the harbor. I got on the hydrofoil just after lunch, and the speed of the boat was great. I have always loved the feel of the ocean. About an hour in, I realized I didn’t exchange any money from Won to Yen. I went to the store on the boat to ask if they did money exchanges.

The store told me no. They however did give me some advice. There is an ATM in the Harbor. And if that didn’t work, there was an international Hotel that did international exchanges. So I was happy, and went back to enjoy my trip and watch the ocean bounce by under us.

When we arrived at the Harbor I walked around. The thing I always enjoyed about going to new places is walking around. I put my headphones on and went looking for the ATM. Found it. “Great” I thought and put my card in, or tried to.

It was at this moment I made a discovery. The domestic Bank Cards from Korea had their embossed numbering offset from the rest of the world. The card would not physically go into the machine. I tried many different times. (This would come back to haunt me in later trips as well).

So I only have the money I pulled from my bank back in Pusan. I decide, ok, I need to find that international Hotel. I headed back to the harbor and grabbed one of the area street maps from the information desk. Then I started walking. The map was bilingual, so I could read it. But my direction sense is not great in new places.

I walked through some beautiful shopping plazas, and along a river, and I really enjoyed the walk. However, I got lost. Some older women saw me looking at the map and came up to help. They spoke no English. The map was bilingual, so I pointed where I wanted to go and they helped me get there.

I finally got to the international hotel, and walked in. I went straight to the information desk inside. They happily informed me that they did convert money from the major international currencies. The Euro and the US Dollar were used as examples. They did not accept Korean Won.

So I was in Japan for the first time, and I had no money. There was no hydrofoil leaving until the next day. However, my ticket was for Sunday, the day after. I couldn’t check into my hotel or even buy myself a snack. I instead decide to just walk around and sight see. So I put my headphones back on and did exactly that.

When it was near dusk, I found myself at Hakata Train station, and I sat down. An older gentleman came up to me and asked if I was ok in English. I told him what was happening and that I was just going to rest there on a bench for the night. He sat down. He was a retired English teacher who had come here to get something. He told me that someone had stolen his car (Turned out to be his bicycle). So he was stuck too. He was too far from home to walk, and wouldn’t be able to get a cab home at this hour. We sat and talked for a bit.

When the sun went down, we were joined by a young lady. She had to wait for the morning train home. She had just returned to Japan from abroad and didn’t have hotel money. So the three of us sat and talked for a bit.

I know so far 3 random people meeting that can speak together in Japan is odd, but it gets odder. About 30 minutes after sunset, a group of homeless men appeared. Or maybe they were just drunks. They came out from somewhere and approached us. My 2 new Japanese friends translated our situation. The men pooled their money together and went to a 7-Eleven nearby. When they returned they had Sake for all of us, and some finger foods. We sat up until close to Mid-night with these guys, drinking and eating and sharing stories. This was the first and last time I had sake. I am not a drinker. However, I felt it would be rude to turn it away. They were buying me food and drink to share with everyone. They were honestly just trying to be kind.

The girl and I fell asleep against a large rock. Nobody bothered us.

When I woke up, she headed into the station for her morning train home. The teacher and the drunk men were gone. So I got up and headed back to the Harbor. There, I asked the ticketing agent if I would be able to exchange my ticket for an earlier boat back to Korea. They happily exchanged it for me.

When I returned to Korea, I went to a Lotteria (Korean Burger Joint) right away and ate. After that, I went home to sleep the rest of the day away.

This first trip, despite not being what I had planned made me fall in love with Japan. Everyone I met there was so kind. (Yes, even the money exchange, who could not sell me Yen was polite.)

I was just looking through my old photo albums, and unfortunately the photos are all corrupted. I will check my back up drive later and see if there are any on there.

Anyways, I will periodically tell you all about some of my other adventures traveling around Asia. I hope you enjoyed going down Memory Lane with me.

Silent but Violent.

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I recently had a conversation about therapy with a good friend. They discussed some of their experiences with it, and I told them that I wished I had been able to have more when I was younger.

I opened up about my memories of childhood, and being told somethings later. Please remember that my memories might not be accurate.

I remember taking speech therapy when I was young. I also remember being told that I didn’t talk until late (like 5 years old late). I remember having a really bad stutter for years. I was told that my mind moved too fast for my mouth to keep up. I was told to try to calm myself before speaking, otherwise I would trip over my words. I remember learning to calm my mind at an early age.

I don’t remember any therapy since.

The thing is I really could have benefited from it. Not just for speech, but for many other things. I opened up to my friend about having violent black outs when I was a young child. I was told multiple times I had nearly strangled my little brother when we were both in diapers. I was told about hitting a child in the head with my metal lunch box. I was told about many other times that I would just change and start hurting people.

I don’t remember these events. But I grew up afraid of myself. I grew up thinking I had a monster inside of me, and that I always had to stay calm and happy. If I didn’t it would get out and hurt people. I spent almost my entire elementary years alone. Partly because I was afraid I would hurt people, partly because I just didn’t know how to make friends.

I spent a lot of time doing quiet things like reading. I used to come home from school and lock myself away with my books. I used to write a lot of fiction. I lost most of those stories, but the ones I have rediscovered I am reworking now. I made my own language including alphabet, vocabulary and rudimentary grammar system. I imagined it was the language of my real world, because I obviously wasn’t from Earth.

The thing is, when you are quiet enough, and watch others enough, you learn. You can learn how to copy them. You can learn their subtle emotional cues. I often feel like I do understand other people’s emotions, but often they are emotions that the other people do not want public. So when I ask them, or try to show care, it scares them.

As I grew up, I learned how to calm myself, mostly. I also learned how to avoid stress. Remember these are self-taught and may not be best practice:

  • Avoid people: The unpredictability of people causes stress.
  • Don’t offer advice or information unless directly asked. People will try to prove you wrong, or will mock your advice.
  • Don’t stand out: Do what your there for, and move on.
  • Find a Safe Space: a quiet place to cry, punch walls, or curl up that nobody will disturb you. You need one for every place you go to. Please remember my generation was not allowed to wear headphones anywhere growing up. We really had nothing we could do to block out sounds, jeers or other sensations at school or in public places.
  • Stuffed Toys are amazing. Soft things help hide fears, and emotions.
  • Count & Breathe: I still use this one. I sit, or lean against something. Close my eyes, and count from one to 10 focusing on the numbers, and my breathing. If I get to 10, I count back down to 1. If I have completed up and down, and am still standing, I sit, and just focus on controlled breathing. I sometimes have to cover my ears at this point to give me reprieve and focus on the breathing.

I think My violent outbursts when I was young may have been caused by over stimulation. Too many things happening, and no way to stop it. so I would black out. (And my body would try to get away from the disturbance). But I honestly don’t know.

In my older years now, I am more in control of things, and have some tools in place to help. So I no longer have blackouts. I do still have times I cannot speak. These come rarely. I try to use my own experiences to help the children around me, but I find it harder to explain to other adults why the children may be acting up. Many of them just think the children are over reacting to things. I don’t wish to yell at them, so I will often just say I will talk with the child.

Children don’t learn in a vacuum. And they don’t suddenly stop feeling their emotions because it inconveniences others. It can be a hard, long process for them. Unfortunately as an educator, all I can do sometimes is sit with them, and try to let them know they are in a safe space.

Brain Fog

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On Monday I came home, curled up on my sofa in a blanket and turned a religious documentary on. Then I closed my eyes and just lay there. I use the show as a type of white noise to lull me to sleep. Regular white noise gives me headaches. However, if I can have a single human voice to listen to, I can begin to relax.

When I have Brain Fog, its like standing in an actual fog. I know the world is out there, but I cannot connect with it. I feel like my mind is pushing through taffy, and the more I push the more difficult it becomes. So I need to find ways to just shut down for a while. I can’t talk much, but I can listen. Its best if It is a single human voice to listen to. I often choose documentaries. Their voices are calm and soothing.

I have been asked by a couple of people about this lately, which sparked the topic. My daughter, who is very good about asking if I have the energy to play with her each day. If I need to say no, she plays in her bedroom. If I say yes, she brings her toys out to me and we play. She was asking about my blanket and my show on Monday.

I tried my best to explain. But I am sure I was not clear. I was groggy, and trying to make it simple for her to understand. I told her something about when I have had a lot of people needing me. They are either trying to get my attention or just being too overwhelming around me all day. I need the rest.

I have my rocking chair, But don’t get to use it much this semester. I have been finding myself trying to make time to sit in it. This has led to a lower productivity. I have more work right now, and less time. I have more classes. I have more events to get ready for. I also have more homework to check. There is more classroom designing to do. It seems there is more of everything.

I get so lost that I sometimes forget to turn on my music with my headphones. I will just sit there with the noise canceling headphones on, and stare at my workload for 5~20 minutes.

My other place I have discussed it is on Reddit. I joined the autistic community there. I have been giving advice to autists who are 1/2 my age or less. I also offer emotional support to this group. And one was asking everyone how they deal with brain fog. So I explained. I think it would be better with a weighted blanket, but I don’t have one right now.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been only slightly better than Monday.