Your not dumb, your just special.

Well aren’t you just special.

Your so special they have Olympics for people like you.

Special kids can’t play with us ordinary kids.

The word special was used to replace the word retarded. Case by case. when people call someone special, they don’t mean it in a good way. Special gets ingrained in our minds along with the many other words people use to describe us. lazy, dumb, slow, stupid, retarded, a monster. Autistic kids grow up hearing these things all the time. and we start to believe them.

Which is ironic, because when I was a young person I started off believing that Special was something you loved more. I had a special bear named Trevor. I had special games I loved to play. I had special books I kept in a special place.

But then you get the school. and for the next 12 years Special sucks.

I wish it ended there, but adult life can be just as hard.

I know I have a hard time communicating some things to people. Heck, certain topics that are normal for some people give me a panic attack to bring up.

How are you? Does this person want a real answer or just an acknowledgment of my existence?

What’s wrong? Where do I start? This could be a 40 minute info dump.

But other things like just talking with a person who is over you in an organization can be hard. I really like my principal, he’s a great guy, and has been on my side since I got here. But, I still have a panic attack if he initiates conversations or asks to talk.

Because it is now ingrained into my head that I screwed up somehow, and need to be better. But no matter how I try, I can’t. Why? Because I’m Special.

I have been trying to help my students do better with their relationships. Teach them how to help be more empathic and welcoming. some are getting it, but others I just can’t connect with, and I SHOULD be able to. Other teachers can.

One of my kids as internalized lazy because other teachers and his parents have been calling him that for years. But I see his struggles. He needs help being redirected, and needs a distraction free area. But the real world doesn’t offer that, and most classrooms don’t either. Not without the label of Special.

Sorry, no focus on today’s article, just needed to type to stop crying.

Thank you all for reading.