I have been witnessing somethings lately that make me reflect on some personal difficulties.

Time to think.

I have several students in my class that need time to think. If you ask them a direct question, they stop and they process before they can answer. If this was at my old school, I would attribute it to a language barrier. This may still be the case with these boys. However, knowing these students I don’t believe it is. Below are a couple examples, but there are several other examples I could use.

In one case, a girl was upset that the boy had fidgeted with something on her desk. She laid into him, first in English wanting to know why he had been touching her things. When he couldn’t answer, she switched languages to Chinese and demanded the same thing. The boy stayed quiet, but you could see the gears turning. I calmed the girl down, and let the boy have time to think. He was able to respond to her and apologize. He could even and explain. But he couldn’t do it when she was so upset. Her anger short circuited his speaking.

A teacher was upset about a different boy in another case. He did not wait for the instructions in a class. Instead, he ran off to play a game. Which made things harder for everyone else. The boy was trying to listen, but to do so, he was looking at the ground. He also wasn’t answering the questions. The teacher kept demanding that the boy look at him, so the boy would, but then he would look down. When the teacher finished talking it took the boy a good 30 seconds to a minute to respond. Which was too long for the teacher, who was expecting an answer right away. I stood nearby. To give the child a moment to think, I asked the teacher for information, as this was my student. When he was done, the boy had enough time to process and speak.

I am not stating that either of these boys are autistic. I am not capable of diagnosing them. I do have suspicions though due to many things I have seen. But I know that autistic people cannot listen well if we have to look someone in the eye. Looking into someone’s eyes is like staring into someone’s soul. And if that person is angry, its a scary place to look at. I also know that the emotions around an autistic person can overpower our ability to think well and respond. Despite people believing autistic people don’t feel emotions, we do. Some of us, feel them physically. This weight causes us to freeze up.

That’s called Selective Mutism.

The misconception with this term is the word Selective. This gives the impression that it is chosen by the autistic person. Often this is not a choice. The anxiety of a situation gets so bad that we can’t say much of anything at all. Some people with Selective Mutism, cannot talk when in unfamiliar places or near strangers. But at home with family they talk just fine.

I had a situation last week. There was a child I was worried about. On Friday, I had checked my schedule and asked the parent to come talk on the following Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday were going to be busy days. I had an observation scheduled for Monday. I would be emotionally ready and prepared by Wednesday. On Monday my administrator came in, there was a problem, but no specifics. Then my principal came in to see if I had time, again no specifics. Early afternoon, My Vice Principal asked someone to cover my recess duty work, so I would have time.

I went into the meeting. The father I had a scheduled meeting with for Wednesday had a complaint that needed immediate attention. My admin wanted to brief me on the situation. Immediately after that meeting, the same vice principal came in to do my class observation. I was not my best and felt I was all over the place.

After school, the parent arrives, and we have the meeting. He is very upset, about the situation. I had not yet had time to process, and all I could do was try to make notes. I could not respond well, if at all to the situation. Near the end of the meeting, I said something that should have been said at the beginning of the meeting.

The father left, happy that his situation was being dealt with. I left, still unsure of what was happening.

You see, even though I had been warned of the meeting 2 hours before. I had two classes. During that time, I was either being observed or handling large groups of children effectively. I had not had even 5 minutes to myself. I agreed to things, but still don’t know what they are.

If we had kept the Wednesday meeting I would have been more effective.

When someone tells you that they don’t even have time to think, it sounds like just an idiom. To autistic people it may be the literal truth. We need time to process. don’t expect an honest response if you don’t let us. And if we don’t respond right away, give us more time. We just want to give the best answer possible. And if emotions are involved, it takes double or triple time for us to respond.

My mind tries to process the emotions, and the words separate. Which is spoken because of the emotion? Which is perspective? Which is factual truth? Which is the question actually being asked? Is there a question being asked? Do they want me to answer? How can I answer in a way that will not cause more emotion? Can I answer honestly? Do they want an honest response? Will I keep my job by answering this question? Will I cause more problems by answering this question? How can I ? These questions and more need to be sorted out before I can begin to respond. And if I have not sorted out the purpose for the question or meeting, that takes priority.