Month: October 2024

No time to think.

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I have been witnessing somethings lately that make me reflect on some personal difficulties.

Time to think.

I have several students in my class that need time to think. If you ask them a direct question, they stop and they process before they can answer. If this was at my old school, I would attribute it to a language barrier. This may still be the case with these boys. However, knowing these students I don’t believe it is. Below are a couple examples, but there are several other examples I could use.

In one case, a girl was upset that the boy had fidgeted with something on her desk. She laid into him, first in English wanting to know why he had been touching her things. When he couldn’t answer, she switched languages to Chinese and demanded the same thing. The boy stayed quiet, but you could see the gears turning. I calmed the girl down, and let the boy have time to think. He was able to respond to her and apologize. He could even and explain. But he couldn’t do it when she was so upset. Her anger short circuited his speaking.

A teacher was upset about a different boy in another case. He did not wait for the instructions in a class. Instead, he ran off to play a game. Which made things harder for everyone else. The boy was trying to listen, but to do so, he was looking at the ground. He also wasn’t answering the questions. The teacher kept demanding that the boy look at him, so the boy would, but then he would look down. When the teacher finished talking it took the boy a good 30 seconds to a minute to respond. Which was too long for the teacher, who was expecting an answer right away. I stood nearby. To give the child a moment to think, I asked the teacher for information, as this was my student. When he was done, the boy had enough time to process and speak.

I am not stating that either of these boys are autistic. I am not capable of diagnosing them. I do have suspicions though due to many things I have seen. But I know that autistic people cannot listen well if we have to look someone in the eye. Looking into someone’s eyes is like staring into someone’s soul. And if that person is angry, its a scary place to look at. I also know that the emotions around an autistic person can overpower our ability to think well and respond. Despite people believing autistic people don’t feel emotions, we do. Some of us, feel them physically. This weight causes us to freeze up.

That’s called Selective Mutism.

The misconception with this term is the word Selective. This gives the impression that it is chosen by the autistic person. Often this is not a choice. The anxiety of a situation gets so bad that we can’t say much of anything at all. Some people with Selective Mutism, cannot talk when in unfamiliar places or near strangers. But at home with family they talk just fine.

I had a situation last week. There was a child I was worried about. On Friday, I had checked my schedule and asked the parent to come talk on the following Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday were going to be busy days. I had an observation scheduled for Monday. I would be emotionally ready and prepared by Wednesday. On Monday my administrator came in, there was a problem, but no specifics. Then my principal came in to see if I had time, again no specifics. Early afternoon, My Vice Principal asked someone to cover my recess duty work, so I would have time.

I went into the meeting. The father I had a scheduled meeting with for Wednesday had a complaint that needed immediate attention. My admin wanted to brief me on the situation. Immediately after that meeting, the same vice principal came in to do my class observation. I was not my best and felt I was all over the place.

After school, the parent arrives, and we have the meeting. He is very upset, about the situation. I had not yet had time to process, and all I could do was try to make notes. I could not respond well, if at all to the situation. Near the end of the meeting, I said something that should have been said at the beginning of the meeting.

The father left, happy that his situation was being dealt with. I left, still unsure of what was happening.

You see, even though I had been warned of the meeting 2 hours before. I had two classes. During that time, I was either being observed or handling large groups of children effectively. I had not had even 5 minutes to myself. I agreed to things, but still don’t know what they are.

If we had kept the Wednesday meeting I would have been more effective.

When someone tells you that they don’t even have time to think, it sounds like just an idiom. To autistic people it may be the literal truth. We need time to process. don’t expect an honest response if you don’t let us. And if we don’t respond right away, give us more time. We just want to give the best answer possible. And if emotions are involved, it takes double or triple time for us to respond.

My mind tries to process the emotions, and the words separate. Which is spoken because of the emotion? Which is perspective? Which is factual truth? Which is the question actually being asked? Is there a question being asked? Do they want me to answer? How can I answer in a way that will not cause more emotion? Can I answer honestly? Do they want an honest response? Will I keep my job by answering this question? Will I cause more problems by answering this question? How can I ? These questions and more need to be sorted out before I can begin to respond. And if I have not sorted out the purpose for the question or meeting, that takes priority.

Shrimp: My Best Frenemy.

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As an Autistic, food can be a difficult topic. A lot of people don’t understand how we can be so “picky”. I wish it were as simple as that. Let me start with my difficulties, and how I either get around them, or not.

Texture is important.

For many people the most important thing is that food tastes, smells, or looks good. These three senses dominate the decision of whether they will eat something or not. For me, one of the things that is foremost is texture.

Mashed food feels like mud. Thick, slimy, fresh from the sewage, mud. it is disgusting. That feeling overpowers any taste that is available. There are so many foods I just can’t force myself to eat: mashed potatoes, pumpkin, guacamole, red-bean paste, etc.

Some of these foods, I just can’t force myself to eat, like pumpkin. Others, I can if they are diluted, or mixed with something. Mashed potatoes with gravy is edible, but if I can avoid it I will.

Sweet Vegetables are an oxymoron.

Every time someone has convinced me to try a sweet vegetable, it wasn’t. Sweet potatoes, nope. and those are often cooked in a way that feels like mush. (See above). red-bean, ick; sweet-peas, yuck; sweet corn, tastes rotten. The thing is, sweet fruit tastes amazing. Every single sweet vegetable has come across as rotten in my mouth.

Mushy sweet vegetables are a no-go. No sweet potato, no red-beans, no sweet pea soup (shudder). but I can gag down sweet corn if I need to. Unless it is in that horrendous white milky sauce they always can it with…

The Eyes have it.

Anything that can look at me while I eat it, makes me shudder. My first memory of this phenomenon occurred in Korea. A friend invited me to join his family for dinner. They had fish soup. It smelled delicious, and I was looking forward to trying it. But as soon as that fish head bobbed up to the top of the pot, nope. I had nightmares of that thing for days. I believe I had everything but the soup that day, which was awkward.

Rambutans and peeled grapes look like eyeballs. Rambutans even have the eye lashes. so you can imagine these things being eaten my a monster, as they slurp down intestines and other body parts. At my old school they had rambutans for lunches sometimes. My coworkers tried to get me to eat some. I almost puked.

Bloody Bones, are for wraiths.

I love me a good fried chicken, or fried ribs. but if I ever have bones in a stew or a soup, I can’t eat it. The moisture dripping off the bones feels like I am eating a newly dead body. I cringe at the thought.

The other thing with food like this is the icky fingers. Every time I pick up wet, slimy, or sauce-covered food with my fingers, I quickly clean my hands afterward. Having sticky or wet fingers is disgusting. I dislike playing with my children’s slime in much the same way.

Ribs, or meats in sauces, I can eat if I have a lot of tissue nearby. If you put the bones in my soup, you will first see me pulling it out with my utensils. For these foods, the taste is not overpowered by the concept of death. The slimy feeling on my fingers is manageable with tissue. Alternatively, I can use one of those lime-water bowls to dip my fingers in, which removes the grease and slime.

Shrimp.

As you can imagine, shelling shrimp is horrifying for me. My hands get wet and slimy. I have to look at the eyes of the critter. Then I must behead it and rip its tiny legs off. I almost hear it squeal.

But shrimp is one of my favorite foods.

First it was fried shrimp, because I had no problems with heads, shells, or juice. Then shrimp rings with cocktail sauce, and finally boiled or souped shrimp.

Two techniques I have used to eat wet shrimp. I can either shell the guy and use a lot of tissue paper. Or just don’t shell it and eat the whole thing.

I have been known to use a whole pack of tissue during a meal with shrimp involved. I had to clean my hands every 20 seconds of shelling. This used to drive a couple of my old coworkers nuts. I’m sure it looks horrid too.

When I eat the shrimp un-shelled, I first eat the head. This way, it is not watching me. Shrimp heads hurt. They stab the inside of your mouth. Sometimes, I am lucky. I can remove the head with a spoon without making a mess on my hands or clothes. However, it is not always possible. This has gotten me weird looks at places. I mean at a restaurant, you can’t use a whole pack of tissue. My only other choice is this. When people you’re with watch you crunch down on the shell, they give you weird looks.

Routines.

My wife and I have very different thoughts on this. There are times I would love to have the same food over and over again for months straight. I have no problem with the dishes in my home that we eat. My wife, gets bored of the same old things.

Since we changed catering companies at the school I work at, I have been delighted. Everyday I can have Salad and Pasta. They offer these meals every day. When I have had a tough morning, I can sit and eat my usual food. It’s amazing. I pick up little side dishes from the daily side dish section. These add a bit of pizzazz to my meal. I still love the repetitiveness.

On the day I had my Meltdown, I know I would have stayed calmer if they had more salad. They should not have changed my pasta from the standard with bolognese sauce. Instead, they offered green noodles with bits of leaf. Food is just one of many factors that I navigate on a regular basis. When I am in completely new or overwhelming situations, certain foods (and time to enjoy properly) can help me reset.

Masking, and the after effects.

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As an autistic, I deeply want to be honest and factual about everything. I want to tell my students that their volume hurts my ears. I want to tell them that I have mini-panic attacks when things fall apart on me, or I cannot find things I just put down. I want to tell them that I need to fidget to think, and that I empathize with the children who need fidget devices, or need to self isolate. I want them to know I need these things, and more. But I can’t.

Every time I think about talking about this, I hear a good friend’s voice in my head reminding me, that the parents of my students are not going to be as open minded as their kids are. If the parents find out that I am neurodivergent, that could spell the end of me at this school, or in this country. And so I mask.

For those who don’t know, masking is where you try your best to act more “normal.” You do this by observing everyone around you, analyzing what they are doing, and possible reasons or motivations as to why, and you copy that behavior if you feel it would help hold up the disguise. If not, you spend time and energy trying to copy behavior you have seen or memorized that would be appropriate.

This can be exhausting as you can imagine, but despite this, it can also hinder sleep. Before I can lay down to sleep, I often run through my day, looking at what I did, and questioning if it was the right thing to do, or not. I need to think about what I should do better next time this comes up. I know I should, but I am also aware that if I ever come across these situations again, i will need to analyze it afterwards again anyways.

Today my principal came to see me, and he asked how I am doing. I thought about telling him about my aunt passing away last week, but I didn’t. I just told him some minor difficulty I am having with my class. I didn’t tell him because, last year I broke down and told him about my mom’s car crash, and subsequent cancer diagnosis. I don’t remember if I told him about my Uncle’s passing, or my other Aunt’s passing last year either. In the last few years I have lost several Aunts. I did talk to him about my brother’s mental health, my worries about my son, and several other things. I feel like If I told him about my aunt, passing or how my mom’s best friend is now terminally ill, it would just be another “bad thing happening to Chad”, and he might start to disbelieve me when I talk about how these things weigh on my mind.

He might think I am making this stuff up to get sympathy, or use it as an excuse for not working as well as I could be, SHOULD be. And if my principal thinks I shouldn’t be letting these things bother me, then I have to analyze why do I? I know I wouldn’t be able to stop them from bothering me, but then I know I would have to add THAT to my mask. I would have to find ways to make it look like they don’t bother me, just so the people around don’t notice me crumbling.

I mask around my principal, as I do with my coworkers. I do it with my students. and I really shouldn’t. If I could open up and let them see the craziness that is me, it could be a positive influence on everyone, especially on a couple of students in my class, who I see struggling with these same things. But I can’t.

I know I should, but I can’t. That fear is always there. That fear of being different, of being rejected, of being ostracized. Or worse the fear of the disbelievers. The “You don’t look/ act autistic.” or the “you can’t be autistic,” or the “You must be the high functioning type / You hide it well.” Do I? I can’t be hiding it well if people tell me that. and what does it mean to hide who you are? is that a positive? No.

After each class I teach, I sit in silence. I don’t even rock in the rocking chair anymore. It’s not private enough anymore. Last year I could get some quiet time in the chair, but this year it is not possible. So, I just hide behind my wall of homework, that never seems to get smaller. I stare into space, and I think to myself about mistakes I made. How I should have don’t things different. How I reacted instead of thinking things through. How I should have handled things differently. I try to hide it by turning on my headphones, then I have an excuse to be zoned out when people invariably come to ask something of me.

after each 45 minute lesson, I need about 20~30 minutes of absolute me time. If I get it I am able to function again, if not I am not at full capacity.

Days like today I don’t get the shut-down time. On days like today a couple of things could happen, and usually do:

  • I lose control of the class, because I have a panic attack about something minor and react instead of think it through.
  • I become short tempered, and get upset very easily. This causes me to lose control of my class.
  • I force myself to become passive, which takes twice as long to accomplish things, but I have the focus of half the class.
  • I have to close my eyes and focus on my breathing every 15 minutes of class time. If I can’t, you guessed it, I can’t think straight and I love control of the class.
  • I get a splitting headache. It’s bad, like itchy brain, or brain on fire, bad. this makes my already slow brain move slower, and it makes me feel sluggish and exhausted.

The worst part about this, is that when I get home, I still need shut down time. In severe cases I have to go to bed, and take a nap for 2~3 hours. In less severe cases I need to do something that requires no effort. Watching Youtube for 2 hours, usually covers this, but if I get interrupted, I need to change the show. Somedays I don’t get this either.

I told myself I would not be responding to parental messages after 5:00. but then I have days like today where something happened at school and parents demand answers, and they need them yesterday. Then I am trying to appease, mask through my messages, and get the incident closed so I can shut-down for a while.

If I am watching a show on YouTube and need to pause it to help my daughter with something, or to answer a question. I lose focus in that show, and need another show or to start over. It can get frustrating. I find subtitles help me focus when there is a lot happening around me. as you may be aware, I have a hard time filtering sound. the TV is the same volume as my wife talking to the kids, as the washing machine. and it makes it impossible to watch, or focus on 1 thing. If I am alone, I can focus on one of my special interests to help relax, but that doesn’t ever happen until after 10:00 in my house.

So that leads me back to where I am now; I have a headache, I was not able to watch today, and needed to mend fences and fix things with parents and children. spending time just reviewing the day in my head before I head to bed.

exhausted.