I have been busy distracting myself. Today’s panic attack made me realize this.

This year of work, has been a hard year for the whole school. For months, it felt like a doom cloud was cast over everyone. Morale tanked, in the staff and many students, solutions that were implemented to mitigate this made things worse for a while, and it wasn’t until about a month ago that I, personally started to feel a bit of positivity.

I have been having a hard time focusing on what should be focused on lately. I have a few days left to get report cards finished, and I have not been able to focus on those. I find myself trying to steady my mind everyday and get work done, but some days I just stare at the computer screen with my headphones on for hours. I haven’t even been able to focus much on D&D, which is my usual distraction.

During class time I try to focus on helping the children and explaining things, but as soon as their individual work begins, every sound or action grabs my attention, and tears me away from what I need to be doing.

Last week I had my formal observations, which I felt was terrible. I was trying to help the kids, and focus on the students I was conferring with, but the rest of the class must have picked up on my lack of focus, because as soon as the principal was there, they couldn’t focus. I had students dancing, making airplanes, playing with the class calendar, every action except what they were supposed to be doing, working on their fairy tale story that they are authoring.

Today during lunch, I had a full on panic attack. I was watching the cafeteria, as was my duty, but suddenly my heart began racing a mile a minute, my legs grew weak, and I had to sit down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to close my eyes and focus on breathing for a good 5 minutes.

…and then an hour after lunch, I had my meeting with the principal about my observed class. He was reassuring that I was doing everything I was supposed to do, and to not let it bother me, but I still just felt terrible.

I need this upcoming holiday.