Routines

The problem with moving.

Autism, Daily Life, Family, Musings, , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

As I think forward to the concept of moving again, I reflect upon the difficulties this will present. I also think about the difficulties it has presented in the past.

My wife and I do not enjoy moving, in fact we detest it. Even if our living arrangement is not ideal, the idea of packing everything to move is more frightful. We would rather repair, and disinfect a place ourselves than to move out of an unhealthy situation. We have done exactly that in the past.

While living in ChaoYang, I had some serious difficulty with a coworker at that time. We had a mold issue near the living-room window, the apartment only had 2 bedrooms and a large living room. When we moved in there was a broken kitchen counter, and the gas range fan was caked with an inch of grease.

We repaired the counter using my tools, fixed the toilet flush. And spent nearly a whole day scrubbing the grease off the kitchen exhaust fan.

We had our routines that we loved though. There was a wet market around the corner that we could get almost anything we needed. They had seamstresses for clothing repair. There was fruit and vegetables and fresh meat on the first floor. They sold basic furniture, electronics, blankets, curtains, and everything you needed for a home. They had a pet store, and seafood. There was gardening equipment, and home-repair tools. A whole floor of stationary and decorations for festivals. We loved going there all the time.

There was a supermarket across the street. That building had food booths, and restaurants. every Canadian Thanksgiving we used to go to a certain restaurant we called “The Red Restaurant” because of the sign. They had a Tailor, and pharmacies there. We knew exactly where everything was. Unfortunately the supermarket itself shrank twice while we were there. It began as a 2 floor market, then it shrank to just the first floor. Then our last year there, it shrank to half the first floor. Piano schools, dance schools, and science academies moved in upstairs.

There were two malls that were a short walk away, and we enjoyed walking there as a family. These malls, had movie theaters, and cat-cafe’s. You could sit with your drink and pet a cat. There was a lot of things to do there, including eating, board games, VR games, a couple large playgrounds for the kids and more.

Just around the corner was a great street food culture in the evenings. If we didn’t feel like cooking, we could just walk down the street and buy a large variety of food. All of these little food carts would appear in the early evening, and some of the foods were amazing, and cheap.

After moving to the ShunYi area, we have gone to visit the malls and the wet market in ChaoYang a couple of times. But we have tried to build new routines here. It has been hard, however. ShunYi, while more spread out and suburban, has less things like home repair and tools shops. It took us a while to find good green grocers, and there isn’t a large mall nearby. Instead there is a cosmopolitan shopping plaza.

This area is more expensive than ChaoYang, and it took us a while to get used to it. There is a lot more variety in restaurants and coffee shops. The plaza has more things for the children as well. They can buy birdseed and feed pigeons at “Pigeon Plaza”. There is an outside playground surrounded by a permanent farmer’s market. The plaza has 2 trains for families to ride around on.

Unfortunately some of the difficulties in our routines that arose is change. For the first couple of years we would find a coffee shop, grocery store or restaurant we liked, and it would disappear, or get down-sized and moved. For example there was a great restaurant / cafe next to a fountain plaza. They had an amazing bakery, and excellent fried chicken. after we had been patrons for about 7 months, (Bare minimum to make it a routine), it closed and moved practically next door. Now it is 1/4 the size, has no bakery, and no restaurant. They sell coffee, ice-cream, and sandwiches now.

Our second favorite cafe did the same a few months after that, and moved to the far side of the plaza, a good 20 minutes walk through the compound.

Now My wife and I consistently go to a cafe attached to a book store. It has survived.

But now, we have given notice to our school that we plan to move after this school year. My son has graduated, and we wish to get out of Beijing. While this is exciting, it has already begun to cause fear in my family. We don’t know where we are going yet. We don’t know what type of place it will be. We don’t know how long we will be needing to get acclimate to the new area.

My wife and I are both quite nervous about this, and I we still have 6 months left at this house and school. We have both lost sleep over this, but we made a promise to ourselves that we would leave Beijing.

I feel that even if we stayed, our family dynamic is changing as my son will be a legal adult. And this in itself is a very scary point for us. While he plans to have a gap year to focus on language learning, things are different.

Can we get him a visa to stay with us next year? Can we find a language school for him? Will he have to move out to another country? Is he ready to go out on his own? Have we taught him how to handle himself and his difficulties well enough? What support will he have if he’s out on his own?

If I’m still having trouble setting up and managing myself and my difficulties, how is he going to do?

And this all causes other issues. The more I worry about things, the more I get distracted, disorganized, and lost. I have been needing my personal space, and my huggables more often.

Most people don’t realize this, but it causes me to have more indigestion and heartburn. It also causes me to have more balance issues. (Both of these will be discusses in other articles.)

So as I look forward to the next school year, I need to sit down to put on my shoes more, and rely on my akla-seltzer tablets more. I also get lost in my classroom as I move from my desk at the back to the front of the room. I tend to head back to my desk 2 or 3 times now to get papers and material I prepared and forgot about. I need my alarms more to remind me when I have to finish class, or go get the children. And I need to sit down more when I am on duty watching the children outside.

At home I feel more sluggish in making decisions, and just want to find that next job so I have an idea of where we will be going to.

Wish me luck.

Routines: falling into or making them?

Autism, Daily Life, Musings, Original, , , , , , , One comment

Routines are a very important part of life for me, and for all autistics. Th difference between routines and schedules is blurred for many people. For us, however, there is an obvious difference, and when routines and schedules clash, headaches occur.

So first let’s explain what I mean by both Routines and Schedules before we continue. A routine is an action repeated in a certain order on a regular basis. the actions do not have a set time to begin or end.

My daily drinks are a routine; Every morning, I have a coffee with or just after breakfast. I then bring a mug of hot chocolate with me to work. Hot drinks calm me down, and help me relax and think. On a tough day, my hot chocolate doesn’t last. I must then get a mocha from the cafe on campus. Then in the evening after dinner, when the children have gone to bed, I have a lemon tea.

A schedule dictates the times things begin and end. Period one begins at 8:20, and ends at 9:05. No exception.

I have a love-hate relationship with schedules. First: I have a hard time keeping track of time, and I know several autistics that do as well. To combat this, I have alarms on my phone and smart watch. They warn me when there is only 5 minutes left to a class period or a recess. I don’t like surprise schedule changes, or endings. My other problem is my brain is fixed that a schedule must be followed. I get anxious if it is not. Family running a little late for church? anxiety. Another teacher running into recess or break time with my students? anxiety. I finish my lesson early, and have empty space to fill? anxiety.

Many Autistics are able to easily merge their work schedule with their routines. I envy this. However, the school I work at does something that makes it really hard to keep track of for me. Our schedules do not follow the calendar week. The schedules follow “Letter Days”. Each week is different than the previous week. but there is still a repetition there. So now I have to keep track of 2 separate calendars in my head. Children have special events on Week Days (Little Johnny takes the bus home on Mondays), but classes follow “Letter days” (Grammar class happens on Days A & C)

Many days my head hurts from planning the week.

But this comes to the point of all this. You do these things, you eventually fall into routine with them. after 3 years, I am better at planning my week around the letter days. I also have a better control of my daily routine. You just fall into them whether you like it or not.

Arguably, falling into a routine because it is forced on you, is easier than creating your own routine.

Often we are told about how managing our routines can benefit us. As an Autistic, I have a limited amount of social energy. So I try to use it sparingly. the problem is, if I drain myself, it stops me from thinking. My brain shuts down.

I know I need to change my routine, and go to bed earlier, or to blog regularly. But the change of routine takes energy, and it feels unnatural for the first month or so. So if I am drained, like I often am lately. I don’t have the energy to fight the routine, or to change it. I just fall into it to save energy.

One example of this. Back in September my wife and I promised to walk with each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The plan was after dark, just around the block. But every day I have come home completely exhausted. I have just enough energy to (most days) help my daughter with her homework. And then I shut down. I stare at a screen or a wall, and cannot function for hours.

Another example is My weekly teacher D&D Game. Many people would think that this would cause me to get drained. But it was my routine. I would talk with friends, problem solve logically, or laugh. I would come home feeling a bit refreshed. When we had a month of cancellations, I was more exhausted just coming home. and I had to accept a change of routine, that I really did not want.

Of course some routine changes are easier than others. If I have someone there to help me with the routine, it becomes easier. My wife helping me get used to the weekly church is an example. Or the messages I get from members of my Men’s group reminding me of the Monday meeting. these were easy to get into. Other people are sharing the energy loss.

Alone, it is hard, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying. Not logically terrifying, but emotionally so. Knowing how hard it can be, I just don’t want to do it many times.

Who helps you with your routine changes? can you make these changes on your own? please let me know.