asia

The problem with moving.

Autism, Daily Life, Family, Musings, , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

As I think forward to the concept of moving again, I reflect upon the difficulties this will present. I also think about the difficulties it has presented in the past.

My wife and I do not enjoy moving, in fact we detest it. Even if our living arrangement is not ideal, the idea of packing everything to move is more frightful. We would rather repair, and disinfect a place ourselves than to move out of an unhealthy situation. We have done exactly that in the past.

While living in ChaoYang, I had some serious difficulty with a coworker at that time. We had a mold issue near the living-room window, the apartment only had 2 bedrooms and a large living room. When we moved in there was a broken kitchen counter, and the gas range fan was caked with an inch of grease.

We repaired the counter using my tools, fixed the toilet flush. And spent nearly a whole day scrubbing the grease off the kitchen exhaust fan.

We had our routines that we loved though. There was a wet market around the corner that we could get almost anything we needed. They had seamstresses for clothing repair. There was fruit and vegetables and fresh meat on the first floor. They sold basic furniture, electronics, blankets, curtains, and everything you needed for a home. They had a pet store, and seafood. There was gardening equipment, and home-repair tools. A whole floor of stationary and decorations for festivals. We loved going there all the time.

There was a supermarket across the street. That building had food booths, and restaurants. every Canadian Thanksgiving we used to go to a certain restaurant we called “The Red Restaurant” because of the sign. They had a Tailor, and pharmacies there. We knew exactly where everything was. Unfortunately the supermarket itself shrank twice while we were there. It began as a 2 floor market, then it shrank to just the first floor. Then our last year there, it shrank to half the first floor. Piano schools, dance schools, and science academies moved in upstairs.

There were two malls that were a short walk away, and we enjoyed walking there as a family. These malls, had movie theaters, and cat-cafe’s. You could sit with your drink and pet a cat. There was a lot of things to do there, including eating, board games, VR games, a couple large playgrounds for the kids and more.

Just around the corner was a great street food culture in the evenings. If we didn’t feel like cooking, we could just walk down the street and buy a large variety of food. All of these little food carts would appear in the early evening, and some of the foods were amazing, and cheap.

After moving to the ShunYi area, we have gone to visit the malls and the wet market in ChaoYang a couple of times. But we have tried to build new routines here. It has been hard, however. ShunYi, while more spread out and suburban, has less things like home repair and tools shops. It took us a while to find good green grocers, and there isn’t a large mall nearby. Instead there is a cosmopolitan shopping plaza.

This area is more expensive than ChaoYang, and it took us a while to get used to it. There is a lot more variety in restaurants and coffee shops. The plaza has more things for the children as well. They can buy birdseed and feed pigeons at “Pigeon Plaza”. There is an outside playground surrounded by a permanent farmer’s market. The plaza has 2 trains for families to ride around on.

Unfortunately some of the difficulties in our routines that arose is change. For the first couple of years we would find a coffee shop, grocery store or restaurant we liked, and it would disappear, or get down-sized and moved. For example there was a great restaurant / cafe next to a fountain plaza. They had an amazing bakery, and excellent fried chicken. after we had been patrons for about 7 months, (Bare minimum to make it a routine), it closed and moved practically next door. Now it is 1/4 the size, has no bakery, and no restaurant. They sell coffee, ice-cream, and sandwiches now.

Our second favorite cafe did the same a few months after that, and moved to the far side of the plaza, a good 20 minutes walk through the compound.

Now My wife and I consistently go to a cafe attached to a book store. It has survived.

But now, we have given notice to our school that we plan to move after this school year. My son has graduated, and we wish to get out of Beijing. While this is exciting, it has already begun to cause fear in my family. We don’t know where we are going yet. We don’t know what type of place it will be. We don’t know how long we will be needing to get acclimate to the new area.

My wife and I are both quite nervous about this, and I we still have 6 months left at this house and school. We have both lost sleep over this, but we made a promise to ourselves that we would leave Beijing.

I feel that even if we stayed, our family dynamic is changing as my son will be a legal adult. And this in itself is a very scary point for us. While he plans to have a gap year to focus on language learning, things are different.

Can we get him a visa to stay with us next year? Can we find a language school for him? Will he have to move out to another country? Is he ready to go out on his own? Have we taught him how to handle himself and his difficulties well enough? What support will he have if he’s out on his own?

If I’m still having trouble setting up and managing myself and my difficulties, how is he going to do?

And this all causes other issues. The more I worry about things, the more I get distracted, disorganized, and lost. I have been needing my personal space, and my huggables more often.

Most people don’t realize this, but it causes me to have more indigestion and heartburn. It also causes me to have more balance issues. (Both of these will be discusses in other articles.)

So as I look forward to the next school year, I need to sit down to put on my shoes more, and rely on my akla-seltzer tablets more. I also get lost in my classroom as I move from my desk at the back to the front of the room. I tend to head back to my desk 2 or 3 times now to get papers and material I prepared and forgot about. I need my alarms more to remind me when I have to finish class, or go get the children. And I need to sit down more when I am on duty watching the children outside.

At home I feel more sluggish in making decisions, and just want to find that next job so I have an idea of where we will be going to.

Wish me luck.

Korean Unmasks

Autism, Musings, , , , Leave a comment

I noticed something when I first moved to Korea back in 1998. For some unknown reason, I felt lighter. I felt like I didn’t need to hide who I was so much. Like many things from that era of my life, it took me a long time to figure it out.

My time in Korea was amazing. I want to share some of the things that made it so great for me. I will also share some of the things that were not so great.

No need to hide.

First of all, hiding as a Caucasian man in Korea 1998 would have been impossible. I was different. People used to run across the street to say “Hello” before booting away giggling. It was an interesting time of my life.

Subconsciously, I realized that since there was going to be understanding issues. There was going to be communication and cultural differences. I used that. If there was going to be communication difficulties, I should simplify.

I started asking questions. I started acting silly. I started making observations out loud. I noticed, the more I did this, the more people seemed to accept me. I was a stranger in a strange land. They had already accepted that I would be different.

Music

While I lived in Korea, I heard foreigners complain about the Music non-stop. Obviously this was before the K-Pop Craze went world-wide. Every foreigner I talked to hated the Korean music. It was too different. The boys wore make-up. They couldn’t understand the words.

I enjoyed most of the Korean music I heard. I collected many albums of H.O.T (High Five Of Teenagers), a popular boy band that reformed later as J.T.L. (with most of the same members). I enjoyed the K-Rap (Not Crap) that was the amazing Yoo Seung Joon. I have never found a musician of similar style. I did ask at every music store I went to though. I enjoyed Drunken Tiger, other artists of many different Genres of Music.

They were different. They were unique. They showed me that Korea was a modern country that didn’t depend on America for its popular media.

But interestingly enough, I also heard a lot of Western music for the first time while there. Many songs and artists I had never heard of were popular there. Michael Learns to Rock, from Denmark is a prime example of this. It was awesome to have this connection tot he world, that just seemed to be missing back in Canada. (Even though we like to pretend we are international)

Work

Everyone I talk to who taught in Korea has some complaint about the country. Hagwons (Cram Schools) not paying on time, Bosses treating them unfairly, or long hours.

I could not relate. Yes, I had a couple of bad bosses, but most of the people I worked with were great people. I had a great relationship with them. I believe it was because I came in knowing that we would have communication problems. If you expect them, you can be open minded, and you can clarify.

If I thought there might be a problem, I would ask. If extra hours were likely, or a strange location, were expected, I would inquire. Most bosses liked that I was upfront with them about my concerns. It helped them understand what I needed, and helped me understand what they needed.

At the time I was there, Korea was used as a “Backpacker’s Bank.” Anyone who spoke English could show up, find a job for a couple of months, and then continue their travels. And this was often the case. Many of the teachers I met were just there to make money, party a lot, and meet girls. Which is fine for the 20 somethings. When you see teachers in their 40s and older doing this, it bugs me. I see this in China still, but not as much due to the drinking culture difference.

Anyways, bosses liked to know that their teachers were not just there to make a quick Won and run away. So communication was the key, even if it was wonky. The effort was very much appreciated.

Language, Innuendo, and odd expressions

When you don’t understand innuendo in Canada, people look at you like your crazy. And some people get so embarrassed that they now have to explain it. Especially if it was a racist, or sexist comment. Often they gave up, or get angry.

When your in a foreign country, and you don’t understand, the people accept it as a regular communication difficulty. They wave it off, and skip it.

This made it easier for me to spend my time with Korean people. The more time I spent with them, the less I felt dumb for not understanding.

As I started learning the language, I started asking questions about the Korean Idioms and expressions. I still don’t understand why one might say “Fun does not exist” instead of “not-fun.” Or what does a Carrot have to do with “of course.” But I accept them.

Just like in English, I cannot understand why someone would want to “Hide a Bed” (A Canadian expression for a sofa bed).

I know now that some of these expressions were misunderstood by me, to my friends amusement. We would go out to do something and be discussing what to do, or where to eat. I would express that something wasn’t interesting to me that day, for whatever reason. My friends would throw out an expression, like “Ok, we won’t do that, Chad hates it.”

I would always feel compelled to explain that no, I did not hate it. If they all wanted that, it was fine, but that TODAY, I was not interested in it. This would always make them smile, and they would rephrase it to “Today Chad doesn’t want this.”

Nobody was offended, they just took it as it was. Chad misunderstood, something, and we needed to be clearer.

Back in Canada, I had friends and people I know get into arguments with me over these same things. And sometimes, i wouldn’t even realize that they were getting angry until someone else pointed it out. My nibling and I had that once. I am sorry I didn’t realize it at the time, until my sister-in-law pointed it out.

My life was great, as long as I could avoid the foreign crowd. Some of them were really nice people, but not all of them understood me.

One perfect example of this came from when I was living in Ulsan. I was a regular at a bar with 1 friend. And there was a Russian lady working there. One night she made the comment that she wanted to see where I lived. So I took her after the bar closed. I showed her the building. She asked to come in. I took her inside. She said she wanted to know me better. I took out a photo album and began to explain what interested me to her. When she told me she was tired, and needed sleep, I gave her the bed, and slept on the floor.

It wasn’t until almost 5 years later that I realized what she was expecting.

After that she seemed to open up and tell me more about her family and friends back in Russia. So That ended positively anyways.

The times this backfired for me.

Another instance of me not understanding people’s intentions lead to a “friend” of mine using me. He figured he could leverage my Language skills for booze and girls.

I had a local friend that found my ability to speak Korean fascinating, and marketable. Let’s call him Ricky. Near the end of our friendship, Ricky would call me up to meet him at some obscure place. I would go and meet him, and we would then be joined by his boss or other older people. They would buy us drinks all night and have a conversation with the Korean speaking foreigner.

Ricky did this at least 5 times before I realized what he was doing. Each time I would offer to pay for my drinks and food, and be told that no. The older gentlemen were paying for everything. Ricky even used this trick to get girls interested in him.

He would call me up, and meet me, and there would be a couple of girls with him. He would drink, and buy for everyone. How he got the money I don’t know. While drinking, the girls would be trying to talk with the two of us, and he would grope them. I left both times he did this. It disturbed me.

Once he dropped by my house drunk, asking to crash. Then offered to call some prostitutes for us. I paid for his taxi back to Incheon.

Ricky is probably the thing I least enjoyed, when I look back at my time there. But I felt bad for him. I honestly thought I could help him become better. And I hope he did become a better person, but I was not able to change him.

Another instance of my ignorance was a girl that I was interested in. We had met in Canada when she studied there, and met again in Seoul. I felt that we were gaining traction and getting closer. She would only call me when she needed something. Homework help, which I didn’t do, or fixing her family computer, or buying her hygiene products.

See to me, asking a guy to buy you hygiene products insinuates that there is a connection there. In Canada that’s not something you trust a stranger, or a guy-friend with.

But the relationship never progressed. Shortly after she returned to North America to continue University, she sent me an email from Texas. The email was asking me to go to her family home and fix her family computer that her brother had broken.

That’s when I realized that I was only a tool to her. I tried to be a good friend and pursued her romantically for a couple of years. There was much more that I did to help her, but that email from Texas convinced me. I was never going to progress past the tool, the minion, the employee. So I relied that I would not, and have not spoken to her since.