Playgrounds: Fun & Games or Danger?

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As a parent, living abroad, I have had a very hard time finding free places for my children to play. This has been an ongoing difficulty for the last 18 years. Parks and recreation areas exist, but are not geared for children.

In Beijing, there are a lot of green space parks. I see them all around the city. We walk through them and can relax easily. The one thing I have noticed about these parks, is that they are often equipped with outdoor exercise equipment. Equipment that is suited for the aging senior citizen population. There are no swings, or see saws, or climbing rigs. Instead there are walkers, and stair climbers, and rigs for rotating arms and wrists.

I asked someone about this once. I was told that children needed to use their energy to study and prepare for adulthood. After retirement, they could play.

Apartment compounds are similarly equipped for seniors. The one compound we lived in did have an aging wooden climbing rig with some metal rocking horses on springs. but they were falling apart and not cared for at all. It had no children playing at it.

The school I worked for years at fluctuated on this. When I joined 18 years ago, they had a jungle gym with a slide, climbing bars and stepping stones. Less than a year after I joined a little boy got hurt on the rig. The school removed it to avoid a lawsuit. For the next 2 years there was no playground, just a running track, and soccer field.

Three years later, they installed some new climbing bars. That same year, a girl fell off them and banged her head on the bars on the way down. They were dug up and removed.

5 years later they installed a swing set near the front gate. The security guards would keep an eye on it. I am not clear on the cause, but within a month, they removed the swing and left the frame.

Every few years the school would put something in, and within 2 or 3 months it would be gone.

For the entire primary school years of my two older children, we had to pay for them to enter private playgrounds. They would appear at supermarkets, or malls. However, as soon as there was enough Yearly passes sold, they would disappear. Few of them stayed open. and they were always packed.

I asked one of my son’s classmate’s parents once about how they arranged social time. I was told, that they arranged for their child to attend the same math classes and English classes after school as their friends. Then they could play in class. This seemed to be the general consensus. We did eventually get my son to be able to visit his friend’s house to play a few times. My daughter was not so lucky.

When we moved to my new school I thought things might be different. The school has a lovely playground, and it takes care of it. During the pandemic, my children had free reign over the playground with the other kids that lived on campus. It was great.

Kids at this school had to have insurance. It was a requirement to even register with the school. So if a child gets hurt, the parents wouldn’t sue the school. Theoretically.

Last summer they replaced the playground with a great big new playground. It has climbing poles, and nets, and slides, and in one area 3 roundabouts. 2 that you can sit on and 1 that you hang from.

Well a little girl was on the roundabout and flew off while it was spinning. So the school welded them all still. The kids, being kids, broke the weld by forcing the roundabouts around. and the school bolted them.

So now we have 3 brand new roundabouts that are useless, and are just seats, or hanging bars.

My point with all this is this. When did society decide that children cannot play? Or that they can only play where there is a profit to be made from them?

I remember being thrown off of a seesaw when I was a child. I lost a tooth, and bloodied my nose. It was terrifying, and I don’t recommend it. But from my experience, everyone nearby learned. The compound kept the seesaw. When the other kids played on it, they made sure that the weight was close to even.

I cannot imagine what would happen here and now if that happened.

Look I don’t want my children being mauled or disabled by playground equipment. but I do want them to be able to learn from making mistakes. They need to learn to identify problems or dangers. If we take all dangers away from them, they cannot learn this fundamental skill.

My children used to see more playgrounds in Peppa Pig and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse than they did in real life. So with the youngest I want to keep her out playing as long as the air is clean enough. If she gets hurt, we’ll hug her and she will learn from it. Worse case scenario, she needs a doctor for an injury. but still, she will get support from us, and will learn. She will also get time to play with other kids, and learn social skills that we had to fight hard to expose her older siblings to.

Does this make me a bad parent in the world’s eyes?

Routines: falling into or making them?

Autism, Daily Life, Musings, Original, , , , , , , One comment

Routines are a very important part of life for me, and for all autistics. Th difference between routines and schedules is blurred for many people. For us, however, there is an obvious difference, and when routines and schedules clash, headaches occur.

So first let’s explain what I mean by both Routines and Schedules before we continue. A routine is an action repeated in a certain order on a regular basis. the actions do not have a set time to begin or end.

My daily drinks are a routine; Every morning, I have a coffee with or just after breakfast. I then bring a mug of hot chocolate with me to work. Hot drinks calm me down, and help me relax and think. On a tough day, my hot chocolate doesn’t last. I must then get a mocha from the cafe on campus. Then in the evening after dinner, when the children have gone to bed, I have a lemon tea.

A schedule dictates the times things begin and end. Period one begins at 8:20, and ends at 9:05. No exception.

I have a love-hate relationship with schedules. First: I have a hard time keeping track of time, and I know several autistics that do as well. To combat this, I have alarms on my phone and smart watch. They warn me when there is only 5 minutes left to a class period or a recess. I don’t like surprise schedule changes, or endings. My other problem is my brain is fixed that a schedule must be followed. I get anxious if it is not. Family running a little late for church? anxiety. Another teacher running into recess or break time with my students? anxiety. I finish my lesson early, and have empty space to fill? anxiety.

Many Autistics are able to easily merge their work schedule with their routines. I envy this. However, the school I work at does something that makes it really hard to keep track of for me. Our schedules do not follow the calendar week. The schedules follow “Letter Days”. Each week is different than the previous week. but there is still a repetition there. So now I have to keep track of 2 separate calendars in my head. Children have special events on Week Days (Little Johnny takes the bus home on Mondays), but classes follow “Letter days” (Grammar class happens on Days A & C)

Many days my head hurts from planning the week.

But this comes to the point of all this. You do these things, you eventually fall into routine with them. after 3 years, I am better at planning my week around the letter days. I also have a better control of my daily routine. You just fall into them whether you like it or not.

Arguably, falling into a routine because it is forced on you, is easier than creating your own routine.

Often we are told about how managing our routines can benefit us. As an Autistic, I have a limited amount of social energy. So I try to use it sparingly. the problem is, if I drain myself, it stops me from thinking. My brain shuts down.

I know I need to change my routine, and go to bed earlier, or to blog regularly. But the change of routine takes energy, and it feels unnatural for the first month or so. So if I am drained, like I often am lately. I don’t have the energy to fight the routine, or to change it. I just fall into it to save energy.

One example of this. Back in September my wife and I promised to walk with each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The plan was after dark, just around the block. But every day I have come home completely exhausted. I have just enough energy to (most days) help my daughter with her homework. And then I shut down. I stare at a screen or a wall, and cannot function for hours.

Another example is My weekly teacher D&D Game. Many people would think that this would cause me to get drained. But it was my routine. I would talk with friends, problem solve logically, or laugh. I would come home feeling a bit refreshed. When we had a month of cancellations, I was more exhausted just coming home. and I had to accept a change of routine, that I really did not want.

Of course some routine changes are easier than others. If I have someone there to help me with the routine, it becomes easier. My wife helping me get used to the weekly church is an example. Or the messages I get from members of my Men’s group reminding me of the Monday meeting. these were easy to get into. Other people are sharing the energy loss.

Alone, it is hard, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying. Not logically terrifying, but emotionally so. Knowing how hard it can be, I just don’t want to do it many times.

Who helps you with your routine changes? can you make these changes on your own? please let me know.

Dungeons & Dragons & Me.

Autism, Basic D&D (circa 1990), Games, , , , Leave a comment

It feels strange to talk about this, so please be kind as you read.

When I was young, I had a very hard time making and keeping friends. In elementary school I was accepted by my younger brother’s friends, but did not completely fit in there. I was the big kid that asked the younger kids a lot of questions.

When I was in Junior High (What we called Middle School), I had a friend. We will call him Rick. I discovered much later that Rick was pretending. He was always doing and saying things to make me look bad so people would laugh at me. I didn’t notice, because Rick smiled when near me and asked me questions, and ate lunch with me. He laughed near me. I thought he was laughing with me, but discovered later that it was at me.

Around this time, my oldest brother was part of a group of High Schoolers who played Dungeons and Dragons. They often played at our house in the basement. I would sit and watch them, and they eventually invited me to play, much to my brother’s dismay.

These older guys made me feel welcome. At that time, D&D was not a popular game. It was the kind of thing people got bullied for playing. But these guys accepted me, truly.

After a few months, I went and bought the basic boxed set with my allowance. (The Red Box Set). The game was amazing because it opened up opportunities to try things without being ridiculed. As an autistic person, the fear of making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing can be paralyzing. We are always afraid that we will do the wrong thing. We fear being assaulted verbally or emotionally by others for mistakes.

No it is not an irrational fear. We get this fear because of experience. We have received criticism for everything, and nothing. Growing up, it felt that I could do no right. My family were always cautious abotu saying things near me, my school mates chastised me for playing wrong. My teachers, were nice, but were always correcting me for things I didn’t understand.

Anyways, Dungeons and Dragons allowed me to try things out in a game of imagination. If it was a mistake, the other players wouldn’t pick on me or tease me. I would find out the logical conclusion to my actions, and then we would move on. No problems.

I tried running games for Rick. He hated the game, and wanted nothing but to hurt people in the game. For those in the know, he would be called a MurderHobo. For those not, in the games of imagination, he would describe burning down orphanages, and stabbing people in the street. As an empathic person, this would horrify me. I would have actual nightmares after playing with him. So I stopped.

My younger brother and his friends were interested in playing, and that was great. I ran the games more than I played them. These guys wanted to help people in the game. They were people with a good moral compass. And so I played with them. Rick still hung out with me at school. He even convinced me to run a game for a few other people and him.

That was a mistake. We were making characters one time for the new game, and the three of them began discussing something. I did not understand what they were talking about, even though they did not hide it. Eventually, 10 minutes in, I realized they are talking about how to physically torture me. When I protested, they said it was a joke. I left. I never talked to them again.

So now I was just entering High School, and I had no friends of my own at school. My younger brother was in Junior High with his friends. I never felt so alone. I recognized a couple of people from my grade 1 year. I moved a lot when I was a kid, so was relieved to see them again. But when I tried to become friends with them, I was told by a teacher that I had scared them. I was to leave them alone.

So I had this game I could play after school, and that got me through Grade 10. No friends.

Grade 11 is when I met my first friends that I had not borrowed from my brothers. They invited me to watch Japanese cartoons at lunch, and I invited them to play Dungeons and Dragons. (Actually a version of the game I had made myself.) And most of these people I still consider friends, even though I don’t talk to them often. Some I only talk to every couple of years.

When I came across a Kickstarter 6 or 7 years ago called Critical Core, I had to invest. This was D&D written in a way to help Autistic kids learn to interact with others. I bought my set. Covid hit, and I honestly didn’t think I would every get it because of the issues caused by the pandemic. But they sent me a Digital copy, and then a physical copy.

Critical Core is what I needed when I was young. I urge you all to look it over. The people who designed this care. They get it. They understand how hard life can be for kids like me. And they want to make it better. No they did not sponsor this. I doubt they will ever find out I wrote this.

Now I am back, and as an adult at the job I have, D&D was my go to stress relief. Except this year, I have nobody to play with again. And so I write here. Schedules and life have fallen apart. Work feels more like work, and is a lot heavier. But no time to play.

It sucks.