Musings

Playgrounds: Fun & Games or Danger?

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As a parent, living abroad, I have had a very hard time finding free places for my children to play. This has been an ongoing difficulty for the last 18 years. Parks and recreation areas exist, but are not geared for children.

In Beijing, there are a lot of green space parks. I see them all around the city. We walk through them and can relax easily. The one thing I have noticed about these parks, is that they are often equipped with outdoor exercise equipment. Equipment that is suited for the aging senior citizen population. There are no swings, or see saws, or climbing rigs. Instead there are walkers, and stair climbers, and rigs for rotating arms and wrists.

I asked someone about this once. I was told that children needed to use their energy to study and prepare for adulthood. After retirement, they could play.

Apartment compounds are similarly equipped for seniors. The one compound we lived in did have an aging wooden climbing rig with some metal rocking horses on springs. but they were falling apart and not cared for at all. It had no children playing at it.

The school I worked for years at fluctuated on this. When I joined 18 years ago, they had a jungle gym with a slide, climbing bars and stepping stones. Less than a year after I joined a little boy got hurt on the rig. The school removed it to avoid a lawsuit. For the next 2 years there was no playground, just a running track, and soccer field.

Three years later, they installed some new climbing bars. That same year, a girl fell off them and banged her head on the bars on the way down. They were dug up and removed.

5 years later they installed a swing set near the front gate. The security guards would keep an eye on it. I am not clear on the cause, but within a month, they removed the swing and left the frame.

Every few years the school would put something in, and within 2 or 3 months it would be gone.

For the entire primary school years of my two older children, we had to pay for them to enter private playgrounds. They would appear at supermarkets, or malls. However, as soon as there was enough Yearly passes sold, they would disappear. Few of them stayed open. and they were always packed.

I asked one of my son’s classmate’s parents once about how they arranged social time. I was told, that they arranged for their child to attend the same math classes and English classes after school as their friends. Then they could play in class. This seemed to be the general consensus. We did eventually get my son to be able to visit his friend’s house to play a few times. My daughter was not so lucky.

When we moved to my new school I thought things might be different. The school has a lovely playground, and it takes care of it. During the pandemic, my children had free reign over the playground with the other kids that lived on campus. It was great.

Kids at this school had to have insurance. It was a requirement to even register with the school. So if a child gets hurt, the parents wouldn’t sue the school. Theoretically.

Last summer they replaced the playground with a great big new playground. It has climbing poles, and nets, and slides, and in one area 3 roundabouts. 2 that you can sit on and 1 that you hang from.

Well a little girl was on the roundabout and flew off while it was spinning. So the school welded them all still. The kids, being kids, broke the weld by forcing the roundabouts around. and the school bolted them.

So now we have 3 brand new roundabouts that are useless, and are just seats, or hanging bars.

My point with all this is this. When did society decide that children cannot play? Or that they can only play where there is a profit to be made from them?

I remember being thrown off of a seesaw when I was a child. I lost a tooth, and bloodied my nose. It was terrifying, and I don’t recommend it. But from my experience, everyone nearby learned. The compound kept the seesaw. When the other kids played on it, they made sure that the weight was close to even.

I cannot imagine what would happen here and now if that happened.

Look I don’t want my children being mauled or disabled by playground equipment. but I do want them to be able to learn from making mistakes. They need to learn to identify problems or dangers. If we take all dangers away from them, they cannot learn this fundamental skill.

My children used to see more playgrounds in Peppa Pig and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse than they did in real life. So with the youngest I want to keep her out playing as long as the air is clean enough. If she gets hurt, we’ll hug her and she will learn from it. Worse case scenario, she needs a doctor for an injury. but still, she will get support from us, and will learn. She will also get time to play with other kids, and learn social skills that we had to fight hard to expose her older siblings to.

Does this make me a bad parent in the world’s eyes?

Routines: falling into or making them?

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Routines are a very important part of life for me, and for all autistics. Th difference between routines and schedules is blurred for many people. For us, however, there is an obvious difference, and when routines and schedules clash, headaches occur.

So first let’s explain what I mean by both Routines and Schedules before we continue. A routine is an action repeated in a certain order on a regular basis. the actions do not have a set time to begin or end.

My daily drinks are a routine; Every morning, I have a coffee with or just after breakfast. I then bring a mug of hot chocolate with me to work. Hot drinks calm me down, and help me relax and think. On a tough day, my hot chocolate doesn’t last. I must then get a mocha from the cafe on campus. Then in the evening after dinner, when the children have gone to bed, I have a lemon tea.

A schedule dictates the times things begin and end. Period one begins at 8:20, and ends at 9:05. No exception.

I have a love-hate relationship with schedules. First: I have a hard time keeping track of time, and I know several autistics that do as well. To combat this, I have alarms on my phone and smart watch. They warn me when there is only 5 minutes left to a class period or a recess. I don’t like surprise schedule changes, or endings. My other problem is my brain is fixed that a schedule must be followed. I get anxious if it is not. Family running a little late for church? anxiety. Another teacher running into recess or break time with my students? anxiety. I finish my lesson early, and have empty space to fill? anxiety.

Many Autistics are able to easily merge their work schedule with their routines. I envy this. However, the school I work at does something that makes it really hard to keep track of for me. Our schedules do not follow the calendar week. The schedules follow “Letter Days”. Each week is different than the previous week. but there is still a repetition there. So now I have to keep track of 2 separate calendars in my head. Children have special events on Week Days (Little Johnny takes the bus home on Mondays), but classes follow “Letter days” (Grammar class happens on Days A & C)

Many days my head hurts from planning the week.

But this comes to the point of all this. You do these things, you eventually fall into routine with them. after 3 years, I am better at planning my week around the letter days. I also have a better control of my daily routine. You just fall into them whether you like it or not.

Arguably, falling into a routine because it is forced on you, is easier than creating your own routine.

Often we are told about how managing our routines can benefit us. As an Autistic, I have a limited amount of social energy. So I try to use it sparingly. the problem is, if I drain myself, it stops me from thinking. My brain shuts down.

I know I need to change my routine, and go to bed earlier, or to blog regularly. But the change of routine takes energy, and it feels unnatural for the first month or so. So if I am drained, like I often am lately. I don’t have the energy to fight the routine, or to change it. I just fall into it to save energy.

One example of this. Back in September my wife and I promised to walk with each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The plan was after dark, just around the block. But every day I have come home completely exhausted. I have just enough energy to (most days) help my daughter with her homework. And then I shut down. I stare at a screen or a wall, and cannot function for hours.

Another example is My weekly teacher D&D Game. Many people would think that this would cause me to get drained. But it was my routine. I would talk with friends, problem solve logically, or laugh. I would come home feeling a bit refreshed. When we had a month of cancellations, I was more exhausted just coming home. and I had to accept a change of routine, that I really did not want.

Of course some routine changes are easier than others. If I have someone there to help me with the routine, it becomes easier. My wife helping me get used to the weekly church is an example. Or the messages I get from members of my Men’s group reminding me of the Monday meeting. these were easy to get into. Other people are sharing the energy loss.

Alone, it is hard, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying. Not logically terrifying, but emotionally so. Knowing how hard it can be, I just don’t want to do it many times.

Who helps you with your routine changes? can you make these changes on your own? please let me know.

Shrimp: My Best Frenemy.

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As an Autistic, food can be a difficult topic. A lot of people don’t understand how we can be so “picky”. I wish it were as simple as that. Let me start with my difficulties, and how I either get around them, or not.

Texture is important.

For many people the most important thing is that food tastes, smells, or looks good. These three senses dominate the decision of whether they will eat something or not. For me, one of the things that is foremost is texture.

Mashed food feels like mud. Thick, slimy, fresh from the sewage, mud. it is disgusting. That feeling overpowers any taste that is available. There are so many foods I just can’t force myself to eat: mashed potatoes, pumpkin, guacamole, red-bean paste, etc.

Some of these foods, I just can’t force myself to eat, like pumpkin. Others, I can if they are diluted, or mixed with something. Mashed potatoes with gravy is edible, but if I can avoid it I will.

Sweet Vegetables are an oxymoron.

Every time someone has convinced me to try a sweet vegetable, it wasn’t. Sweet potatoes, nope. and those are often cooked in a way that feels like mush. (See above). red-bean, ick; sweet-peas, yuck; sweet corn, tastes rotten. The thing is, sweet fruit tastes amazing. Every single sweet vegetable has come across as rotten in my mouth.

Mushy sweet vegetables are a no-go. No sweet potato, no red-beans, no sweet pea soup (shudder). but I can gag down sweet corn if I need to. Unless it is in that horrendous white milky sauce they always can it with…

The Eyes have it.

Anything that can look at me while I eat it, makes me shudder. My first memory of this phenomenon occurred in Korea. A friend invited me to join his family for dinner. They had fish soup. It smelled delicious, and I was looking forward to trying it. But as soon as that fish head bobbed up to the top of the pot, nope. I had nightmares of that thing for days. I believe I had everything but the soup that day, which was awkward.

Rambutans and peeled grapes look like eyeballs. Rambutans even have the eye lashes. so you can imagine these things being eaten my a monster, as they slurp down intestines and other body parts. At my old school they had rambutans for lunches sometimes. My coworkers tried to get me to eat some. I almost puked.

Bloody Bones, are for wraiths.

I love me a good fried chicken, or fried ribs. but if I ever have bones in a stew or a soup, I can’t eat it. The moisture dripping off the bones feels like I am eating a newly dead body. I cringe at the thought.

The other thing with food like this is the icky fingers. Every time I pick up wet, slimy, or sauce-covered food with my fingers, I quickly clean my hands afterward. Having sticky or wet fingers is disgusting. I dislike playing with my children’s slime in much the same way.

Ribs, or meats in sauces, I can eat if I have a lot of tissue nearby. If you put the bones in my soup, you will first see me pulling it out with my utensils. For these foods, the taste is not overpowered by the concept of death. The slimy feeling on my fingers is manageable with tissue. Alternatively, I can use one of those lime-water bowls to dip my fingers in, which removes the grease and slime.

Shrimp.

As you can imagine, shelling shrimp is horrifying for me. My hands get wet and slimy. I have to look at the eyes of the critter. Then I must behead it and rip its tiny legs off. I almost hear it squeal.

But shrimp is one of my favorite foods.

First it was fried shrimp, because I had no problems with heads, shells, or juice. Then shrimp rings with cocktail sauce, and finally boiled or souped shrimp.

Two techniques I have used to eat wet shrimp. I can either shell the guy and use a lot of tissue paper. Or just don’t shell it and eat the whole thing.

I have been known to use a whole pack of tissue during a meal with shrimp involved. I had to clean my hands every 20 seconds of shelling. This used to drive a couple of my old coworkers nuts. I’m sure it looks horrid too.

When I eat the shrimp un-shelled, I first eat the head. This way, it is not watching me. Shrimp heads hurt. They stab the inside of your mouth. Sometimes, I am lucky. I can remove the head with a spoon without making a mess on my hands or clothes. However, it is not always possible. This has gotten me weird looks at places. I mean at a restaurant, you can’t use a whole pack of tissue. My only other choice is this. When people you’re with watch you crunch down on the shell, they give you weird looks.

Routines.

My wife and I have very different thoughts on this. There are times I would love to have the same food over and over again for months straight. I have no problem with the dishes in my home that we eat. My wife, gets bored of the same old things.

Since we changed catering companies at the school I work at, I have been delighted. Everyday I can have Salad and Pasta. They offer these meals every day. When I have had a tough morning, I can sit and eat my usual food. It’s amazing. I pick up little side dishes from the daily side dish section. These add a bit of pizzazz to my meal. I still love the repetitiveness.

On the day I had my Meltdown, I know I would have stayed calmer if they had more salad. They should not have changed my pasta from the standard with bolognese sauce. Instead, they offered green noodles with bits of leaf. Food is just one of many factors that I navigate on a regular basis. When I am in completely new or overwhelming situations, certain foods (and time to enjoy properly) can help me reset.