Musings

Routines: falling into or making them?

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Routines are a very important part of life for me, and for all autistics. Th difference between routines and schedules is blurred for many people. For us, however, there is an obvious difference, and when routines and schedules clash, headaches occur.

So first let’s explain what I mean by both Routines and Schedules before we continue. A routine is an action repeated in a certain order on a regular basis. the actions do not have a set time to begin or end.

My daily drinks are a routine; Every morning, I have a coffee with or just after breakfast. I then bring a mug of hot chocolate with me to work. Hot drinks calm me down, and help me relax and think. On a tough day, my hot chocolate doesn’t last. I must then get a mocha from the cafe on campus. Then in the evening after dinner, when the children have gone to bed, I have a lemon tea.

A schedule dictates the times things begin and end. Period one begins at 8:20, and ends at 9:05. No exception.

I have a love-hate relationship with schedules. First: I have a hard time keeping track of time, and I know several autistics that do as well. To combat this, I have alarms on my phone and smart watch. They warn me when there is only 5 minutes left to a class period or a recess. I don’t like surprise schedule changes, or endings. My other problem is my brain is fixed that a schedule must be followed. I get anxious if it is not. Family running a little late for church? anxiety. Another teacher running into recess or break time with my students? anxiety. I finish my lesson early, and have empty space to fill? anxiety.

Many Autistics are able to easily merge their work schedule with their routines. I envy this. However, the school I work at does something that makes it really hard to keep track of for me. Our schedules do not follow the calendar week. The schedules follow “Letter Days”. Each week is different than the previous week. but there is still a repetition there. So now I have to keep track of 2 separate calendars in my head. Children have special events on Week Days (Little Johnny takes the bus home on Mondays), but classes follow “Letter days” (Grammar class happens on Days A & C)

Many days my head hurts from planning the week.

But this comes to the point of all this. You do these things, you eventually fall into routine with them. after 3 years, I am better at planning my week around the letter days. I also have a better control of my daily routine. You just fall into them whether you like it or not.

Arguably, falling into a routine because it is forced on you, is easier than creating your own routine.

Often we are told about how managing our routines can benefit us. As an Autistic, I have a limited amount of social energy. So I try to use it sparingly. the problem is, if I drain myself, it stops me from thinking. My brain shuts down.

I know I need to change my routine, and go to bed earlier, or to blog regularly. But the change of routine takes energy, and it feels unnatural for the first month or so. So if I am drained, like I often am lately. I don’t have the energy to fight the routine, or to change it. I just fall into it to save energy.

One example of this. Back in September my wife and I promised to walk with each other Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The plan was after dark, just around the block. But every day I have come home completely exhausted. I have just enough energy to (most days) help my daughter with her homework. And then I shut down. I stare at a screen or a wall, and cannot function for hours.

Another example is My weekly teacher D&D Game. Many people would think that this would cause me to get drained. But it was my routine. I would talk with friends, problem solve logically, or laugh. I would come home feeling a bit refreshed. When we had a month of cancellations, I was more exhausted just coming home. and I had to accept a change of routine, that I really did not want.

Of course some routine changes are easier than others. If I have someone there to help me with the routine, it becomes easier. My wife helping me get used to the weekly church is an example. Or the messages I get from members of my Men’s group reminding me of the Monday meeting. these were easy to get into. Other people are sharing the energy loss.

Alone, it is hard, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying. Not logically terrifying, but emotionally so. Knowing how hard it can be, I just don’t want to do it many times.

Who helps you with your routine changes? can you make these changes on your own? please let me know.

Shrimp: My Best Frenemy.

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As an Autistic, food can be a difficult topic. A lot of people don’t understand how we can be so “picky”. I wish it were as simple as that. Let me start with my difficulties, and how I either get around them, or not.

Texture is important.

For many people the most important thing is that food tastes, smells, or looks good. These three senses dominate the decision of whether they will eat something or not. For me, one of the things that is foremost is texture.

Mashed food feels like mud. Thick, slimy, fresh from the sewage, mud. it is disgusting. That feeling overpowers any taste that is available. There are so many foods I just can’t force myself to eat: mashed potatoes, pumpkin, guacamole, red-bean paste, etc.

Some of these foods, I just can’t force myself to eat, like pumpkin. Others, I can if they are diluted, or mixed with something. Mashed potatoes with gravy is edible, but if I can avoid it I will.

Sweet Vegetables are an oxymoron.

Every time someone has convinced me to try a sweet vegetable, it wasn’t. Sweet potatoes, nope. and those are often cooked in a way that feels like mush. (See above). red-bean, ick; sweet-peas, yuck; sweet corn, tastes rotten. The thing is, sweet fruit tastes amazing. Every single sweet vegetable has come across as rotten in my mouth.

Mushy sweet vegetables are a no-go. No sweet potato, no red-beans, no sweet pea soup (shudder). but I can gag down sweet corn if I need to. Unless it is in that horrendous white milky sauce they always can it with…

The Eyes have it.

Anything that can look at me while I eat it, makes me shudder. My first memory of this phenomenon occurred in Korea. A friend invited me to join his family for dinner. They had fish soup. It smelled delicious, and I was looking forward to trying it. But as soon as that fish head bobbed up to the top of the pot, nope. I had nightmares of that thing for days. I believe I had everything but the soup that day, which was awkward.

Rambutans and peeled grapes look like eyeballs. Rambutans even have the eye lashes. so you can imagine these things being eaten my a monster, as they slurp down intestines and other body parts. At my old school they had rambutans for lunches sometimes. My coworkers tried to get me to eat some. I almost puked.

Bloody Bones, are for wraiths.

I love me a good fried chicken, or fried ribs. but if I ever have bones in a stew or a soup, I can’t eat it. The moisture dripping off the bones feels like I am eating a newly dead body. I cringe at the thought.

The other thing with food like this is the icky fingers. Every time I pick up wet, slimy, or sauce-covered food with my fingers, I quickly clean my hands afterward. Having sticky or wet fingers is disgusting. I dislike playing with my children’s slime in much the same way.

Ribs, or meats in sauces, I can eat if I have a lot of tissue nearby. If you put the bones in my soup, you will first see me pulling it out with my utensils. For these foods, the taste is not overpowered by the concept of death. The slimy feeling on my fingers is manageable with tissue. Alternatively, I can use one of those lime-water bowls to dip my fingers in, which removes the grease and slime.

Shrimp.

As you can imagine, shelling shrimp is horrifying for me. My hands get wet and slimy. I have to look at the eyes of the critter. Then I must behead it and rip its tiny legs off. I almost hear it squeal.

But shrimp is one of my favorite foods.

First it was fried shrimp, because I had no problems with heads, shells, or juice. Then shrimp rings with cocktail sauce, and finally boiled or souped shrimp.

Two techniques I have used to eat wet shrimp. I can either shell the guy and use a lot of tissue paper. Or just don’t shell it and eat the whole thing.

I have been known to use a whole pack of tissue during a meal with shrimp involved. I had to clean my hands every 20 seconds of shelling. This used to drive a couple of my old coworkers nuts. I’m sure it looks horrid too.

When I eat the shrimp un-shelled, I first eat the head. This way, it is not watching me. Shrimp heads hurt. They stab the inside of your mouth. Sometimes, I am lucky. I can remove the head with a spoon without making a mess on my hands or clothes. However, it is not always possible. This has gotten me weird looks at places. I mean at a restaurant, you can’t use a whole pack of tissue. My only other choice is this. When people you’re with watch you crunch down on the shell, they give you weird looks.

Routines.

My wife and I have very different thoughts on this. There are times I would love to have the same food over and over again for months straight. I have no problem with the dishes in my home that we eat. My wife, gets bored of the same old things.

Since we changed catering companies at the school I work at, I have been delighted. Everyday I can have Salad and Pasta. They offer these meals every day. When I have had a tough morning, I can sit and eat my usual food. It’s amazing. I pick up little side dishes from the daily side dish section. These add a bit of pizzazz to my meal. I still love the repetitiveness.

On the day I had my Meltdown, I know I would have stayed calmer if they had more salad. They should not have changed my pasta from the standard with bolognese sauce. Instead, they offered green noodles with bits of leaf. Food is just one of many factors that I navigate on a regular basis. When I am in completely new or overwhelming situations, certain foods (and time to enjoy properly) can help me reset.

Overstimulated -not a good thing.

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When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.

Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.

Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.

Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?

I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.

Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.

I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.

This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.

I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.

I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….

Next unit will be better. Fairy Tales.