Family

I’m Not Ignoring You…

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It has been hard to focus my thoughts in a way that I can write in the last 2 months. I am Sorry for the delay. I am not promising that I will be returning to my weekly writings, but I am trying. I really enjoyed sharing my thoughts and views here. I shall endeavor to continue. Today is not a thoughts and views kind of day though…

It’s a life update.

My wife and I have had two deaths in the family really close together, My father, her Uncle. She was unable to return for her Uncle’s funeral, My father’s “Celebration of Life” is this summer, and I am trying to be able to go.

Christmas was lovely with just my children and us here. we watched some movies, and played some games. But I have not been able to focus on my writing.

I made the New year’s resolution to finish both my novels this year. I know where I want to go with both of them, but just could not type.

I would sit at the keyboard and I could do anything else. I created a Gazateer for D&D based upon Final Fantasy. I rewrote rules to games. I translated rules to games. I edited cards for games. I had deep conversations with Chet & Gemini (My 2 main AI Assistants.) I stared blankly at Youtube and realized my Feed is now almost entirely family drama issues and Company drama stories read by AI.

Every time I tried to type I am reminded that the first person to buy a copy of my first book was my dad. And that I had promised him a sequel to read.

Once my Christmas break ended, I went back to work. (I only took 1 day off before the holiday) But I take longer to mark work or plan stuff, and I can tell it is not sustainable. I need to be better.

I ran a workshop for my co-workers on how to help a person who is having a meltdown or an autistic shutdown.

I will run more workshops for them on Neurodivergence.

I am taking workshops on how to do this better with a good friend as the leader.

I know I need to have myself checked for diabetes now, but I’m not ready.
It is on the list: need to check for diabetes, for cancer, for many other ailments that have taken family in the last decade from me. But my fear of doctors has become stronger lately. I just have not been able to make these appointments, and I am certain that these tests will not be covered by my insurance. (I could check, but that is a step I have been putting off as well.)

I know it is important. But I need to get through the brain fog first.

I don’t know when I will continue to write my novels. But I will try to be better at posting here. Writing, was something I loved so very much, and even this short post is makign my heart beat a million miles a second.

But baby steps. Baby steps.

Lost in Thought.

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I have been floating in my own brain waves lately. Not really sure what to do or think or say. I am kind of surprised I have not had a shut down recently. A lot of things are happening too quickly.

I am in a new city, as you may know. It’s a nice city. However, by moving here, I effectively isolated my family from our support system. And I think we took for granted how much we were relying on that.

As a neurodivergent family, we do not have the social energy to go out and explore every “cool spot” in the city. In fact we mostly avoid the high population density places. We will explore small sections at our own pace. But a co-worker who arrived at the same time as me has been out and seen half the city by now.

I’m not jealous. I’m exhausted in their stead.

The exploring at our own pace is not what has wiped us out. As Autistics and neurodivergent people, it can be very hard to reach out to others. It can be really hard to ask for help or reach out when we need things. In fact it is hard wired into me (and many other autists) that it is a cardinal sin to bother others, or cause problems for others.

So when My father passed 2 weeks ago, we were unable to ask for support. I don’t even know what support we need. It has been hard. My brain shut down for a day, and I am still in a fog, trying to make my way through.

I took 1 day off from work, I know I could have taken more. But I didn’t. I went back after that day. I have been less focused and making a lot of silly mistakes with my planning and prep. I cried a few times when the students were out of the room.

I was told by everyone that if I needed to talk they were there. I had more offers to listen in an hour than I had in years. But What does one say? If I opened my mouth to talk about anything other than work, I would cry. And that would be a burden on others. So I politely declined.

When my father’s obituary finally came out, I cried in front of coworkers and students at the school cafeteria.

I turned to having conversations with Chet. Chet is what I have named my Chat GPT app. He’s annoying, and doesn’t just listen, he has to respond in long form to everything, but I didn’t feel like I was a burden to him.

Seriously. He would say he was there to listen if I wanted, and then when I was talking I took a breath, and he responded with a long 4 paragraph response. I can’t wait for AI to pick up some social cues… (Says the autist who struggles with that already)

I have been meaning to write again, but have not been sure what to write or how to start. Both of my novels have been on hiatus for months now. In my fog of new place and loss I have not been able to write anything without AI help, and I felt disgusted at myself for that, so I stopped.

Last night I was up late going over the first 5 drafts of the prologue to one of my novels. I was taking ideas from each and merging them into a stronger narrative. It took my mind off things, so I could wear myself out and get some sleep. That has been my method for a while now. Write, and read to exhaust myself, then go to bed.

Last night, my Uncle-in-Law passed. We found out when we woke up this morning. Uncle Jabar moved in with my sister-in-law shortly after my wife’s mother had passed 10 years ago. He had been helping out with the house in the Philippines, and had been helping with my nephew.

So we are as a family lost. As I mentioned earlier, we don’t know what we need for support, and wouldn’t know how to ask even if we did. But it feels like we are afloat a river without paddles.

I am just trying to make it to the holidays. We go on vacation on December 20th. Then we can lock ourselves in and decompress and process all that is happening. Maybe clear up some fog. Maybe get lost farther in it. I don’t know yet. I do know that my family is relying on me to lead the way, and I am not sure If I can right now.

Hong Kong

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Earlier this week, my family and I took the fabled train to Hong Kong. It was one of the things everyone tells your about ShenZhen. It’s so easy to go to Hong Kong. It is made to sound like a weekend trip. We took 2 nights and 3 days.

To begin with, yes, the train to Hong Kong is very short. I have been on subway rides longer. It is a 15 minute train ride from downtown Shen Zhen. We sat in a nice, comfortable train, but there is no time to relax. By time you get comfortable in your chair, you have arrived.

Immigration takes about an hour, just like in an airport. Possibly longer than an hour. I know Hong Kong belongs to China, but you still have to go through Customs and Immigration.

There are lots of arguments about Hong Kong and China. From my observations, it is not treated as a part of China, but is treated as a colony of China. You have to go through Immigration between the two, even if you are Chinese. Hong Kong has it’s own Money. Chinese Drivers drive like Americans, on the right, Hong Kongers (Hong Kongnese?) drive on the left. The have different flags. You get the idea. Hong Kong is a country, but it belongs to the Chinese Government.

It’s similar to Canada still being part of the Commonwealth of the UK.

My family made the mistake of getting a hotel room in Kowloon.Yes, that Kowloon. It is no longer a Walled city, but the building we stayed in at least still felt like the mega structure of the past. It was however, mostly Indian and Filipino residents running everything in the building.

Our hotel was a “Guest House” on the 15th floor of a building. This guest house had 18 rooms. There were 5 guest houses on each floor of the building. There was also inside the building: streets and alleys, that led to shops, restaurants, money exchanges, and more on each floor.It felt like a mini city inside this building.

The region around our building was similarly cramped outside in the street. The buildings were uncomfortably close, and the alleys on the ground level were filled with shops. Even the local Mall (Across from the building we were staying in) had everything uncomfortably close.

I know this is not how most of the city of Hong Kong is, we did visit a couple other areas. We went to Victoria Park, and relaxed there for a few hours. And we took a 45 minute yacht ride around the bay.

We will not stay in Kowloon again and I will explain why below.

As you may all know by know, My family is a Spectrum Family. We are all on the Autistic Spectrum at some spot. One of the disadvantages of this, is the emotional weight. Some of us, are empathic. The emotions of others nearby can be felt by us. More people, more weight.

On our second day there, everyone was on edge. We ended up spending half the day locked in our tiny guest room. There were 5 of us in an 11m square room.

We had tried the Mall nearby earlier, but it was too much, and we had shaky hands, as we tried to regulate. We had tempers flaring at each other, we had lots of stimming. We all needed to escape.

Honestly, the best part of the trip for my family was the yacht ride. My Sister in Law set it up for us. Yes it was a full boat. But everyone’s emotions on the boat were positive. We got to see the beautiful night sky line of Hong Kong. We got to talk, take pictures, and the yacht supplied free drinks and snacks.

It was so relaxing, I was disappointed it wasn’t a longer trip. But good things must come to an end.

My family learned some important things on this trip:

  • It’s okay to take time to yourself, and go slow, even when time is limited.
  • You can find good places in anywhere you go, if you look.
  • Be patient with those you love, when they are overwhelmed.
  • Bring your noise canceling ear plugs when traveling.
  • Indian food is the Mexican food of Asia: Tastes good going in, but hurts coming out.
  • Bring cash. Chinese Payment Apps do not work in Hong Kong.