The School year has begun and the Kids have mostly settled into school. As the program expands to include even more amazing talent, I am sometimes left feeling  uneasy.

Today our program had an amazing Halloween Party,  including the best Haunted house we have had to date, and all of the games that we had last year plus this year we had snack booths raising money for charity. It was the best we have ever had. And during the party, while I was busy teaching children how to shoot ghosts, and aim bows and arrows, I was having the best time.

Unfortunately, I was left after hours with a lump in my stomach. One that logically should not be there. You see, this year’s party was organized and run by some of the newer teachers for the program, and I am extremely happy to have them taking the lead on projects and activities. The team has really pulled together through difficult times, and done some amazing things, both are for another post to share.

Why then am I left feeling empty?

The first thought that came to mind is that I am now less involved in the behind the scenes work than I was before due to the larger team.  this makes sense,  I developed this program from the ground up with my co-worker & boss, Ms. Peng Tong, and now the program is taking off. This could be a type  of  Empty nest syndrome, you know the feeling that your baby no longer needs you.

A second less positive thought came to mind, and I am kind of ashamed of it. I feel jealous of one of the newer teachers. He is more charismatic than I, just as organized (or close enough), and more adept with Social  Media. I feel quite proud to have him on the team, and I feel that he may one day be a suitable replacement for the head of the department. But I sometimes feel like he may be better for the job than I, and this plagues me.

He is unaware that I feel  this way, and I have tried to use this to push myself to better  myself, not always in direct comparison to him, but in ways that are more natural to me.

I know for example, that he is more comfortable leading and running things through social media messaging apps. I personally dislike those apps, and it is the least favored part of my job. However, I can work on my patience and my knowledge easier.

Now before I continue I have to let you know (If you don’t already). I am what is referred to as an Aspie (or person with Asperger’s Syndrome). Keep that in mind, as  it makes things easier. I don’t always understand people, which is one of the reasons I explicitly prefer Primary school  work. Teenagers and adults are not easy for me to understand. children are very easy to understand.

So for years now I have been trying hard to understand and make friends with co-workers. this is not always the best way to lead, and can cause some uncomfortable situations.

However, my unique mindset has allowed me to come up with some of our most popular events and activities, such as the Egg Engineering challenge Week. Lower grades (1-2)have to design a kind of Box-car to keep a raw egg safe as it zips down the ramp. Middle Grades (3-6) have varying heights and criteria to design an Egg Drop device from. and Middle School (Grades 7~9) have to design a way to launch a raw egg into the air and bring it back down safely.

My point being is that I sometimes wonder how much my Aspie-ness has to do with how I feel. Everyone else is quite excited by the directions we are going and I agree that we are doing excellent. Am I just misreading signals, and thus hyper focusing on them Like I tend to do? Or do  I really just feel like the program has outgrown me as a major contributor?

It can be hard to realize.

Either way I hope everyone had or is having a Happy Halloween.