Today has been good, but the last 2 days were an adventure.
On July 1st, we boarded our flight to Incheon, South Korea. But before we could do that, the ticketing agent had difficulty with giving my wife a ticket. She had an ETA (Electronic Travel Authorization ) instead of a standard VISA).
She had to go off with a supervisor and fill out papers manually for them to figure out how to use their computers…
The short flight was fine after that, but when we arrived in Incheon, we had less than an hour to go through security again and board the new plane. We were rushed and ended near the tail of the line.
Due to this, our carry-on luggage had to be placed in overhead bins half the plane away. This meant no travel neck pillows. There was a lot of turbulence, and the meals included soup…
I didn’t get any on me, which was great.
The shuttle bus to the airport was very handy, but I had forgotten how fast Canadian drivers are in comparison to Beijing.
June 2nd, we discovered a problem with my bank card, which made breakfast difficult. We ended up paying with our Philippine card because even the Chinese card didn’t work there.
So, first day awakening in Canada, we had to go to the bank. Apparently, because I had been out of the country for so long, my account was marked as deposit only. We got that fixed, or we wouldn’t go anywhere.
The ferry over to the island was relaxing. Our first Uber ride to the ferry was great.
During the ferry ride, I downloaded the app for the taxi company in Nanaimo. I reserved a 6 seater van for taking us to my mother’s home, 2 hours away. They sent a regular car.
So after discussing with the driver, our situation, they canceled our reservation because apparently they only had 1 van, and it was unavailable..
Just after that driver left, another company’s van pulled up, and the man was very helpful.
Along all of this, the 3 ladies (my wife and daughters ) had been either suffering from or recovering from motion sickness.
Anyway, we are safe and happy in Port Alberni Canada.
I have been busy distracting myself. Today’s panic attack made me realize this.
This year of work, has been a hard year for the whole school. For months, it felt like a doom cloud was cast over everyone. Morale tanked, in the staff and many students, solutions that were implemented to mitigate this made things worse for a while, and it wasn’t until about a month ago that I, personally started to feel a bit of positivity.
I have been having a hard time focusing on what should be focused on lately. I have a few days left to get report cards finished, and I have not been able to focus on those. I find myself trying to steady my mind everyday and get work done, but some days I just stare at the computer screen with my headphones on for hours. I haven’t even been able to focus much on D&D, which is my usual distraction.
During class time I try to focus on helping the children and explaining things, but as soon as their individual work begins, every sound or action grabs my attention, and tears me away from what I need to be doing.
Last week I had my formal observations, which I felt was terrible. I was trying to help the kids, and focus on the students I was conferring with, but the rest of the class must have picked up on my lack of focus, because as soon as the principal was there, they couldn’t focus. I had students dancing, making airplanes, playing with the class calendar, every action except what they were supposed to be doing, working on their fairy tale story that they are authoring.
Today during lunch, I had a full on panic attack. I was watching the cafeteria, as was my duty, but suddenly my heart began racing a mile a minute, my legs grew weak, and I had to sit down. I couldn’t breathe. I had to close my eyes and focus on breathing for a good 5 minutes.
…and then an hour after lunch, I had my meeting with the principal about my observed class. He was reassuring that I was doing everything I was supposed to do, and to not let it bother me, but I still just felt terrible.
When I hear the term “Overstimulated” I think of being excited and super happy about something. Rip rearing to go. I have always thought this was the meaning. It’s actual meaning , I didn’t have a word for.
Throughout my life I have had days when everything was just too much. When I was a student, I would lock myself in my room and read. When I was a young adult I would lock myself in a room and code games. Now I mostly sit alone and write, or stare into space, if I cannot be alone.
Being overstimulated doesn’t always have an easy to identify cause. I used to, and still do, carry a lot of baggage around. I don’t like that expression, let’s try something else. I carry a lot of guilt, anger, self-loathing, envy, and self-doubt around.
Every time someone gives unsolicited criticism, I doubt myself, and everything I do. I over analyze everything, why would they say this? Am I always screwing up? where? How? Why? Why didn’t I notice this before? Every time I actually find myself making a mistake or not being able to keep pace with others in my field, I go through the same process. I wonder if I am even cut out for this work. Am I doing any good? am I causing more problems than I am finding solutions for?
I wish I could feel like others, and understand better, but I cannot. It takes me weeks or months sometimes to find ways to regulate these feelings, and if they come up all at once, I feel like I am falling and there is no ground in sight. It is frightening.
Today in my team meeting, I finally, after 2 and a half years with this team, finally started to feel like maybe, just maybe I was able to keep pace with the rest of the team. And then later another teacher tried giving me advice about a student I have been having particular difficulty with lately. Because HE IS OVERSTIMULATED LATELY TOO! The thing is, he undiagnosed, but has shut downs, and burns out easily. and as soon as she mentioned ways to help (That I have tried, and unable to keep going due to the other 5 special needs kids in my class) I felt like a failure, immediately again.
I know I am slower than others in my team. When I read, for example, I don’t see words, I see the story play out. And so for me to grade a child’s writing project requires between 3~5 re-reads because I have to remind myself to not feel the writing, but to just analyze the words. I know this, and I try to compensate for this. I know that When I get overstimulated in class, or I feel that they are in need, we shut things down and have a circle time to discuss emotions, feelings and ways to reset. this means I lose class time that is essential, but if I don’t do this, someone (possibly me) will have a break down.
This happened today. Tomorrow is our big Writing Project Party. Earlier this week was a big Writing Test. Friday was a 12 hour day almost all of it Rehearsals, and art information before the kids went on stage for a concert. One week earlier was our Science Fair. Anyways this goes on for over a month, every week is another big event. So they are burned out. Anyways today we had a short meeting about out feelings, and then I gave them a 5 minute mid-class break. Several of my students went into the class library and were trying to self-regulate. (Calm down through stimming) when they knocked over my large cabinet that hold all my teaching material.
I did not have a meltdown, and 5 students helped clean everything up. but at the end of the day I just sat in my rocking chair (my safe place at work) and cried. I couldn’t do anything for a good 20 minutes. I needed to just rock and hug my stuffies. (Yes I have a rocking chair and stuffed animals in my class. the kids are generally good about it) This sort of shut down is more dangerous and difficult to manage than a meltdown at least for me. Because then I feel guilty for not being able to manage these things.
I wish I could take tomorrow off, but i have that Writing Party I mentioned earlier. The kids need it, and then we can reset and start a new unit. This unit we are finishing is particularly hard for me as it is persuasive writing. I always feel overwhelmed with it because I have to teach how to convince people to agree with the children in their writing. I have a hard enough time understanding most people, yet alone figuring out how to make people agree with me….
Baldwins Abroad 
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