Autism

Recess

Autism, Musings Leave a comment

A few days ago one of my students asked what my favorite thing to do at recess was. I had to tell her that as a child I didn’t like recess. I don’t lie to my students. She asked for more details and I let her know that I didn’t have my own friends back then. This is not entirely true of course, there were periods in elementary that I did have friends. These didn’t last long, and I mostly hung out with one of my brothers’ friends.

Then last night I began reminiscing about back then. My situation was not entirely due to my autism, but I am sure that it exasperated it. I moved to several elementary schools when I was young. In my 8 years of elementary, I had at least 4 schools. (Grade 7 was elementary when I was young): Steeples, Sparwood Elementary, Gordon Terrace, Amy Woodland. I didn’t really have much time to make friends at each.

I remember specifically at 3 of these schools I would spend my recesses walking circles around the entire school. Every recess I would walk in circles watching others play. Sometimes I was alone, sometimes not. I remember at Amy Woodland, I would have one of the parent volunteers walk with me. Mrs. Nadeau. I also remember having a girl named Tanya check up on me several times.

I remember having a kind of phobia relating to group play. If I had 1 or 2 people to play with I was happy, but any more than that and I would start to panic. Team sports in P.E. class were tough for this reason. I remember having 2 boys I thought were friends tell me once that they couldn’t play with me anymore. I never found out what I did to make them say that.

I remember having my blackouts every now and then during elementary. Something or someone would get me so lost in my head I would actually blackout and my body would react to things. I used to believe I had a monster hidden in me. Some of the things my monster did, that I don’t remember, but I was told by either other kids, my principal, or my parents include:

  • hitting a child in the head with my metal lunch box.
  • running away from a group and smacking into a wall at full speed.
  • running away from another child / group and running into a tree.
  • throwing a rock on the school roof, which slid down and hit someone on the head.
  • kicking a metal door repeatedly
  • throwing someone into a snowbank.
  • headbutting someone.

Once I was so stimulated, that I knew I would black out and I was terrified, so I walked as fast as I could away from a group, and ran into my cousin. (I think it was my cousin). I remember yelling at him to hit me, and screamed at him to hit me. Eventually he did, and I lay on the ground clutching my stomach. The pain helped me focus and block out all the other sensations. At that time, I remember thinking I deserved it.

That cousin (step-cousin actually), never played with me again. Not at school, not at home, not at family gatherings. Another relationship destroyed.

I didn’t know how to be a good friend at that time. I didn’t know what was expected of me. TV & Movies didn’t help explain that stuff, and books didn’t either.

As an educator, I watch close to see if my students ever need an ear. I am still often oblivious to what they are really feeling, or need. My students over the last couple of years have asked me several times, “Mr. Chad, Why do you keep asking if I am Ok?” It’s usually because I misread a situation. I’m older and more experienced, but still cannot read facial expressions perfectly yet. But I would rather ask, than not.

I have a student this year who loves to stay and read peacefully in the library during recess time. I always remind him to keep an eye on the clock, which of course he doesn’t. I think back about how nice it would have been to just have a quiet room to read in during my recesses. Maybe my monster wouldn’t have been so bad.

Notebooks & Stuffies – A Winning Combination

Autism, Daily Life, Family Leave a comment

I feel like I have been focusing on the struggles I have a lot lately. So today I wanted to focus on some of the quirks we have in our very neurodivergent home.

Notebooks: I have boxes of notebooks. My daughter has shelves of them. Most of them have like 2 pages written on them, then they get shelved away. This of course drives my wife nuts, but its our reality. My Novel Writing notebook is just for that. My D&D Teacher Campaign notebook, is just for that. My Video game ideas notebook cannot have notes on any other topic. My Diary, has daily notes and and observations. My Faith notebook, has notes on religion. Every Notebook has a very specific purpose, and no other.

At work I have my diary and my Teacher planner. My planner is work related only. My diary is more a of a scrapbook. It has refillable pages, but I tape in it collector cards my students give me, sketches my children have done. Feeling and stresses do in there. sometimes I will make notes about my students there. But I only feel it is allowed because the pages are removable, and refillable. Otherwise this feels wrong.

Stuffies: Another noticeable thing is the boxes of stuffed toys. My classroom has almost a dozen stuffed toys in it. My house has stuffed toys of many shapes and sizes in every room. On top of that we have several plastic crates filled with them. I no longer collect stuffed animals at home. I don’t because my 2 daughters have picked up the mantle, and I can always hug and cuddle with theirs.

Board Games: 2 Days ago My Daughter and I decided to Tidy up and reorganize my Board game collection. We took everything out and put them in the living room. It filled the room. I Love board games, and my youngest daughter does too. The rest of the family like some of the games. Which is why we were sorting them. Games that are easy and fun to play as a family, and games that are hard, and most wont play.

I remember about 8 years ago I had a coworker who also loved board games. But I discovered our interests did not overlap. He enjoyed the newer skill based games that you dominate your friends with. I enjoy games that are a lot more casual and relaxed. what he called “Old school games”. I enjoy games with dice, like Snakes and Ladders. I enjoy games with quirky cards like The Game of Life. Or games of interaction like Pictionary. I also love ancient games and games that would feel right at home with the ancient games. Many games are too “modern” for my tastes.

Art: I love art. Art made by people I know, or given by people I know. Our walls are covered with paintings made by my children. There are paper crafts, and home made fans, and sketches of family land. My family, all of my family tend to agree on this. Everything that is on our walls, or above our cabinets, like my pet dragon “Firegorn Cinderpuff” are all connected to important people in my life.

Pro Autie-dad tip: Any weird or odd special interests are perfectly fine if they are related to your children. I introduced my son to Final Fantasy, which is one of my obsessions from childhood (Only the first 1). Onlookers didn’t bat an eye at this because I was sharing with my son. He has helped me enjoy the rest of the series, and it is one of his special interests. I am still only obsessed with the story and background of the first one, but I enjoy the rest so far too.

When my children started enjoying My Little Pony, I became a fan and would sit and obsess over them too. I do not feel like I fit the concept of a Brony. But I do enjoy the story, characters, humor, etc.

When my children were around age 10, I shared my obsession with all things Power Rangers. I tried to introduce them earlier, but the monsters scared them until they were 10. I have tucked away many notebooks on my lore notes of Power Rangers. I also had stories written down. I have purchased the Power Rangers TTRPG, but have not tried to play it yet. Unfortunately, I feel like the gamers in my area might not be ready for MegaZord Battles. My children are unfortunately, a bit too busy with their own lives to fit in an RPG Campaign right now…


Anyways I hope you enjoyed a look into the quirky parts of my life.

I found a few Sketches I made in notebooks I would like to share too…

Angel-Irish
Angel irish
pre Touch-up copy of picture WTF

Wrong World Syndrome: Changelings, Superman and Me.

Autism, Family View all 2 comments

I know this has many different names, but the concept is always the same. The idea is that many autists, or autistic people, have felt at some point like this world is far too alien to them. They feel like they may have been born on the wrong planet. Everyone else belongs here, but we do not.

As a child, for most of my youth in fact, I had this feeling. I don’t think I ever told anyone, but as a child I felt like I was not human. This of course was exasperated by older brothers. See I was born with 1 pointed ear. Not two, but 1. And so as a young child my older brothers used to compare me with Mr. Spock from Star Trek. I understood that I didn’t belong, but I kept being told I looked too much like my father. I couldn’t be an adopted alien, I was an exact copy of my father and grandfather when they were young. Yet, I felt disconnected from the rest of the neighborhood.

When I was 7 or 8 years old I came across the idea of changelings. I don’t remember where I saw or read about them. These Fairies, or elves were magically transformed to look like a human child. Then they were traded with the real child as a baby. The changeling would be raised by the human family, who were oblivious. For many years I was terrified that the real Chad would be returned. I would then be taken from my adopted human family. Of course I never spoke of this. If my family knew I was not their real child, they might abandon me. I had, and still do, have some serious abandonment issues.

I used to see elves watching me from the forests when I was stuck in a car for long trips. I would catch them spying on me from the forest edge near my father’s house when I would visit. I would see them at the edge of the school yard, or anywhere with a lot of greenery. Every time I tried to approach they would disappear. Nobody else could see them, which frustrated me.

In high school, I was a comic book nerd, among other things. I got into a conversation with a classmate about who I liked better: Peter Parker, or Clark Kent. I immediately chose Clark, and talked about being different and not being able to show his true self. They argued that Clark chose to hide himself, and he could have been the Football Quarterback if he wanted. But Peter was a real nerd, whose intelligence predates his powers. The argument was that Clark could have friends if he wanted, but chose not to. But to them Peter was unable to make friends because of his true authentic self.

My friend missed the point. Clark was not from here, and nothing was going to change that. And like me, even if he returned where he came from, he wouldn’t belong there either. He has to mask himself on Earth to be accepted (why Clark is so clumsy). On Krypton, he would be the odd duck who didn’t understand the society or the normal activity. Either way he would be the outsider, never truly belonging anywhere.

Just like me. I felt like I was stuck for many years, and sometimes I still do. If I want to be accepted by the other humans, I need to act like them. If I don’t act like them, and draw attention to myself, I will be outed and not accepted.

I no longer believe I am from another world. However, I do often feel like I still don’t belong. I have some good friends who I have been able to unmask around. To show my green-blooded Vulcan side to. My Elfish heritage. My true self. I have even started to unmask around select family members. This has helped, as I know they accept my true self, even if they don’t understand completely.

Some family is not ready yet for my authentic self, and just want to see the mask.