I know this has many different names, but the concept is always the same. The idea is that many autists, or autistic people, have felt at some point like this world is far too alien to them. They feel like they may have been born on the wrong planet. Everyone else belongs here, but we do not.

As a child, for most of my youth in fact, I had this feeling. I don’t think I ever told anyone, but as a child I felt like I was not human. This of course was exasperated by older brothers. See I was born with 1 pointed ear. Not two, but 1. And so as a young child my older brothers used to compare me with Mr. Spock from Star Trek. I understood that I didn’t belong, but I kept being told I looked too much like my father. I couldn’t be an adopted alien, I was an exact copy of my father and grandfather when they were young. Yet, I felt disconnected from the rest of the neighborhood.

When I was 7 or 8 years old I came across the idea of changelings. I don’t remember where I saw or read about them. These Fairies, or elves were magically transformed to look like a human child. Then they were traded with the real child as a baby. The changeling would be raised by the human family, who were oblivious. For many years I was terrified that the real Chad would be returned. I would then be taken from my adopted human family. Of course I never spoke of this. If my family knew I was not their real child, they might abandon me. I had, and still do, have some serious abandonment issues.

I used to see elves watching me from the forests when I was stuck in a car for long trips. I would catch them spying on me from the forest edge near my father’s house when I would visit. I would see them at the edge of the school yard, or anywhere with a lot of greenery. Every time I tried to approach they would disappear. Nobody else could see them, which frustrated me.

In high school, I was a comic book nerd, among other things. I got into a conversation with a classmate about who I liked better: Peter Parker, or Clark Kent. I immediately chose Clark, and talked about being different and not being able to show his true self. They argued that Clark chose to hide himself, and he could have been the Football Quarterback if he wanted. But Peter was a real nerd, whose intelligence predates his powers. The argument was that Clark could have friends if he wanted, but chose not to. But to them Peter was unable to make friends because of his true authentic self.

My friend missed the point. Clark was not from here, and nothing was going to change that. And like me, even if he returned where he came from, he wouldn’t belong there either. He has to mask himself on Earth to be accepted (why Clark is so clumsy). On Krypton, he would be the odd duck who didn’t understand the society or the normal activity. Either way he would be the outsider, never truly belonging anywhere.

Just like me. I felt like I was stuck for many years, and sometimes I still do. If I want to be accepted by the other humans, I need to act like them. If I don’t act like them, and draw attention to myself, I will be outed and not accepted.

I no longer believe I am from another world. However, I do often feel like I still don’t belong. I have some good friends who I have been able to unmask around. To show my green-blooded Vulcan side to. My Elfish heritage. My true self. I have even started to unmask around select family members. This has helped, as I know they accept my true self, even if they don’t understand completely.

Some family is not ready yet for my authentic self, and just want to see the mask.