It feels strange to talk about this, so please be kind as you read.

When I was young, I had a very hard time making and keeping friends. In elementary school I was accepted by my younger brother’s friends, but did not completely fit in there. I was the big kid that asked the younger kids a lot of questions.

When I was in Junior High (What we called Middle School), I had a friend. We will call him Rick. I discovered much later that Rick was pretending. He was always doing and saying things to make me look bad so people would laugh at me. I didn’t notice, because Rick smiled when near me and asked me questions, and ate lunch with me. He laughed near me. I thought he was laughing with me, but discovered later that it was at me.

Around this time, my oldest brother was part of a group of High Schoolers who played Dungeons and Dragons. They often played at our house in the basement. I would sit and watch them, and they eventually invited me to play, much to my brother’s dismay.

These older guys made me feel welcome. At that time, D&D was not a popular game. It was the kind of thing people got bullied for playing. But these guys accepted me, truly.

After a few months, I went and bought the basic boxed set with my allowance. (The Red Box Set). The game was amazing because it opened up opportunities to try things without being ridiculed. As an autistic person, the fear of making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing can be paralyzing. We are always afraid that we will do the wrong thing. We fear being assaulted verbally or emotionally by others for mistakes.

No it is not an irrational fear. We get this fear because of experience. We have received criticism for everything, and nothing. Growing up, it felt that I could do no right. My family were always cautious abotu saying things near me, my school mates chastised me for playing wrong. My teachers, were nice, but were always correcting me for things I didn’t understand.

Anyways, Dungeons and Dragons allowed me to try things out in a game of imagination. If it was a mistake, the other players wouldn’t pick on me or tease me. I would find out the logical conclusion to my actions, and then we would move on. No problems.

I tried running games for Rick. He hated the game, and wanted nothing but to hurt people in the game. For those in the know, he would be called a MurderHobo. For those not, in the games of imagination, he would describe burning down orphanages, and stabbing people in the street. As an empathic person, this would horrify me. I would have actual nightmares after playing with him. So I stopped.

My younger brother and his friends were interested in playing, and that was great. I ran the games more than I played them. These guys wanted to help people in the game. They were people with a good moral compass. And so I played with them. Rick still hung out with me at school. He even convinced me to run a game for a few other people and him.

That was a mistake. We were making characters one time for the new game, and the three of them began discussing something. I did not understand what they were talking about, even though they did not hide it. Eventually, 10 minutes in, I realized they are talking about how to physically torture me. When I protested, they said it was a joke. I left. I never talked to them again.

So now I was just entering High School, and I had no friends of my own at school. My younger brother was in Junior High with his friends. I never felt so alone. I recognized a couple of people from my grade 1 year. I moved a lot when I was a kid, so was relieved to see them again. But when I tried to become friends with them, I was told by a teacher that I had scared them. I was to leave them alone.

So I had this game I could play after school, and that got me through Grade 10. No friends.

Grade 11 is when I met my first friends that I had not borrowed from my brothers. They invited me to watch Japanese cartoons at lunch, and I invited them to play Dungeons and Dragons. (Actually a version of the game I had made myself.) And most of these people I still consider friends, even though I don’t talk to them often. Some I only talk to every couple of years.

When I came across a Kickstarter 6 or 7 years ago called Critical Core, I had to invest. This was D&D written in a way to help Autistic kids learn to interact with others. I bought my set. Covid hit, and I honestly didn’t think I would every get it because of the issues caused by the pandemic. But they sent me a Digital copy, and then a physical copy.

Critical Core is what I needed when I was young. I urge you all to look it over. The people who designed this care. They get it. They understand how hard life can be for kids like me. And they want to make it better. No they did not sponsor this. I doubt they will ever find out I wrote this.

Now I am back, and as an adult at the job I have, D&D was my go to stress relief. Except this year, I have nobody to play with again. And so I write here. Schedules and life have fallen apart. Work feels more like work, and is a lot heavier. But no time to play.

It sucks.